torn between telling the truth and keeping a friend
wanting to bleed
these are all shallow
these are all selfish
these are all dumb
wanting to have fun...to feel free
not being able to live
wanting something that will never come
this is silly
this is ridiculous
this is no big deal...really
wanting the beauty to shine.
*'kill' doesn't necessarily mean killing someone else.
there is a specific quote i am looking for but cannot find, but through searching i have found some pretty great words of the wise!
'since love grows within you, so beauty grows, for love is the beauty of the soul.'
'faith is to believe what you do not see, the reward of this faith is to see what you believe.'
these are just the start...love this guy!
january and december maybe my favorites...interesting.
am i important
what can i do for you
losing your hearts desire
the battle i don't want to fight
two worlds coming together
what i see that they don't
i guess i know better now
living cautiously may kill us faster
he who fears has not yet been made perfect in love
and when the weeds begin to grow it’s like a garden full of snow.
and when the snow begins to fall, it’s like a bird upon the wall.
and when the bird away does fly, it’s like an eagle in the sky.
and when the sky begins to roar, it’s like a lion at the door.
and when the door begins to crack, it’s like a stick across your back.
and when your back begins to smart, it’s like a penknife in your heart.
and when your heart begins to bleed, you’re dead, and dead, and dead indeed."
-james lucas scott
she knows he loved her,
but nothing real ever came from it.
these two never lived happily ever after.
she does not regret this,
and she's sure he doesn't even care...anymore at least.
what came from this love for him was this lesson learned;
if she were to ever get him, to truly get what she wanted with all her heart, she would have ended up feeling small.
she would have felt unimportant, defeated, and not good enough.
for he, in every aspect of the word, is perfect.
this perfection did not vanquish the lack of confidence in her.
10 years it took her to learn this.
but he, the boy who is prefect for her, has yet to learn this lesson about the girl he once loved.
but how many stories are there where the person the story is about turns out to be the villain?
i would say most of them.
and with this story, how many times can the person be confident in knowing who the hero is?
i would say not many of them.
in the year of 2009, i was my own villain, and i have yet to figure out who my hero was...or still is.
i hope everyone who realizes they are their own villain learns being their own worst enemy is not how we should be living life. nowhere in the definition of the word, 'villain,' are the words; hope, beauty, love, and grace.
and i hope those of us who haven't acknowledged our heroes, delve deep, because that is where the words; hope, beauty, love, and grace best present themselves.
'i'd be very dissapointed in you if you did this...'
i would tell you why they said this to me...but that would prove stupidity.
which no child should ever do to the people who raised them.
can you feel the sarcasm?
a close second would be the word 'like'
here's why, the past year of my life most of my conversations have been talking about the meaning of this word and how it fits in with the friendships and relationships around me.
and i came to realize that giving what my friends need, but not having those needs reciprocated back, the friendship/relationship is not going to work.
pretty simple right?
it is actually quite difficult.
here are a few examples separated in three posts (it isn't as complicated this way) each example grows off of the previous example.
friend y believes their friendship with friend z will be easy, and the one that can be completely honest and open. friend y needs the feeling of knowing they are needed by their friends. friend z does not enjoy the feeling of being needed. because of this, neither friend y or friend z are getting what they need.
why? friend z might not go to friend y when life is rough and friend z may have more boundaries with friend y that friend y may not be aware of, which means friend y thought the friendship was much greater then friend z.
basically, from this example these two friends have completely different views on the friendship.
lesson learned: friendships are not effortless, they take work, the friends also have to be on the same page.
friend c has issues...how do they deal with it? processing the situations by themself and figuring it out on their own.
friend d has issues...how do they deal with it? verbally.
how these two friends collide? friend d may go to friend c with their issues and have to talk about struggles in their life and friend c may be more then happy to be there for them...but! friend c does not process verbally so they may not talk to friend d about their life, who needs a give and take friendship.
friend c is giving, but not allowing friend d to give back, which means friend d does not feel as needed as friend c. but! on the other hand, friend c starts to get frustrated with friend d because friend d maybe taking up a lot of friend c's time.
friend c is not getting what they need from the friendship because friend d is not giving what friend c needs by letting them have time to them self to figure their life out. so, friend c starts resenting friend d because all their attention is going to friend d's issues and not their own.
basically, friend c and friend d are thinking about their own needs and not the others. they both have problems but have not figured out a good balance, or set boundaries to where they both win...friend d can verbalize their life, while friend c may understand friend d needs something back from friend c, but just doesn't process that way. but friend c needs to learn patience with friend d.
friend d needs to realize just because friend c doesn't share their life all the time doesn't mean they don't like friend d any less. (if friend c doesn't share their life because of trust issues, then there again is a need that isn't being met)
lesson learned: friendships have to be as selfless as possible, but two friends should be able to tell the other what they need from the friendship. there needs to be a balance of putting the other person first, but making sure the intimacy isn't tampered with because someone isn't getting what they need.
friend m and friend n have always had good boundaries with their friendship, and not only that, have been friends for most of their life. friend m understands friend n and vice versa, they understand why each other is the way they are, and are just in tune with how the other person works...this is why their boundaries are so good, they know what to talk about with each other, and how to respect the other person. but the boundary line was starting to get fuzzy because friend n was realizing how friend m works forced friend n to put their needs on the back burner. friend n realized this is not friend m's fault because friend n is the reason the friendship isn't really where they want it to be. friend m did nothing wrong, not verbalizing their life or going to friend n is not a personal vendetta towards friend n, they just don't like the attention.
basically, friend n wasn't trusting the friendship in knowing, just because friend m doesn't share all the time it isn't because they don't care. friend n didn't realize it is perfectly acceptable to ask for clarity in the friendship (redefining the boundaries). friend n also did not have faith in them self or believe they are actually important to friend m, and that is not friend m's problem.
lesson learned: knowing what our own needs are, are just as, if not more important then knowing the needs of the other person.
*will not be my family
*will not be my friends
*will not be god
will not be how i look, which is rarely my focus anyway
will not be what could possibly reappear in my life whether it be a wound, or a person, or a situation.
for this year
will be my classes.
i've never been more pumped for a semester or school in general ever...seriously, ever. i don't know what's different about this year, but i'll figure it out.
*these three things are still important to me, but in away, i might not put as much effort into them. one semester at a time please.
even though i posted this blog when i got home, I actually wrote it during my four hour wait till my flight left…getting on the internet was impossible. i am not going to pay ten dollars for maybe an hour’s time on the internet…i would pay outrageous prices for certain things (sox/yankee’s game at fenway for instance) but for internet, no thanks.
the reason for this blog is not for a history lesson in surgical tools, or to talk about pirates (will come later), or to talk about evolution (will come later also), it isn't even a quote, or a revelation (this can be argued by the end of the blog) this is to collect my thoughts that have accumulated over the past four weeks. i have been in chicago since the middle of july, not to have fun, or to be a tourist, or to find myself, but for an internship with a program that i have developed a high respect for; headstart,. in turn, because of this internship, i did have fun, i did do touristy things, and i learned more about myself in the past four weeks, then i have in the three years i have been in college. my internship was simple; shadow the clinical psychologist of the headstart childcare center in chicago, illinois. this was not simple and it was not easy, it was actually one of the most challenging things i have had to do for two reasons; i have not spent this much time with children in years. i don’t connect with them very well. i am in tune with them because my brain and taste buds are not that far off from a four year old. but talking with them is so difficult. also, i have never had to do so much paperwork in my life…which is good because to be a therapist ¾’s of the job is paperwork and billing.
going into the internship i was nervous on how i would do with the kids. my job with the kids was observing and giving individual attention to the ones considered ‘high risk.’ in other words, the kids who the teachers and staff knew had crappy home lives.
the first kid i got, let’s call them child x was incredible and i adored this child. x just needed someone consistent. child x didn’t know if their mother would be alive the next day because of domestic violence and lived with their aunts who were fighting for custody, but the mother would not put this child’s needs first. unfortunately, child x left half way through my internship because their mother took them from the one thing that was structured and safe in their life; school. when child x left i did struggle on why i was there because x was in a way my case study to learn the most and to make a slight difference. i then had to move to another child within the same class, lets call them child y. child y is this four year old kid that wants to be snoop or the most badass gansta rappa ever lived (their words), or. batman. with y i could see how fast these kids have to grow up, but then in a moment, with a change in the eye they would be four year old again. sadly, the last day of my internship, i found out child y had been molested by their neighbor who was 8 years old. in both situations with x and y, i had no reaction, not even a sigh, this is interesting because it shows that I can handle this job. there were three children i worked with the closest; child x, child y, and child z. child z had two things going on; they are related to child x (cousins), and after child x left child z started to become very emotional and very defiant. this is what I think…the over- emotional, the crying, the ‘i want my mommy’ was not an attention getter, the defiance was. and this is where it got tough and where i was having trouble connecting with this kid. i had to treat this kid like it was an attention getter for both the tears and the acting out. it drove me insane because i was getting so frustrated with myself on not being able to understand what was going on, we still don’t know for sure.
when the teacher gave me my evaluation this was what she told me, ‘it is okay not to get to them so quickly when they start crying.’ this i completely disagree with. i know I do not have a degree in early childhood, or a teaching degree, and yes, overall, this teacher gave me very good constructive criticism, but my rule when it comes to children under the age of five is; if they are crying, get to them within 20 seconds. i mean, think about it, if a child is crying and no one gets to them to see what is wrong they will learn that if they are upset or something happened, what’s the point of crying? no one cares. that is not okay with me. the other things the teacher told me was, instead of figuring out the problem right away when kids are fighting, redirect them to something else. judge the issue on the type of words said and if there is hitting, etc. kids can’t always explain things, so just (rest is paraphrased) put a pin in it for the next time it happens…she was very right, i did struggle with this.
my evaluation from my supervisor was great, it was nice knowing i did a good job and that this profession suits me. she was a little bummed i couldn’t do more clinical work, but i actually enjoyed doing all the paperwork because it taught me that even though i want to do this for the rest of my life because i love it, it isn’t all gumdrops and lollipops with a cherry on top. i mean, look at the kids I hung out with, they aren’t even five yet.
this internship was incredible because it reconfirmed what i know best and that is, i do best with middle schoolers. but it totally put me out of my comfort zone because i get totally intimidated by pre-k kids, i also learned more of what i don't want to do and that is administrative work, which is what my supervsor did and she enjoys it. i want to be the one sitting their listening to a child or student tell me what is happening in their life, i want to do therapy sessions. besides the internship, i also stayed in a hostel, got my personal space violated by riding a bus everyday, was in a big city by myself, and got to go to some amazing museums that allowed me to make this trip as educational as possible…while having a few fun nights as well! it was a great mixture of everything. this experience i learned to keep myself in the shadows because i was an intern, but i knew when to speak up about somethings, because if i didn’t, it would have looked like i was learning nothing.
when it comes to me and what i learned about myself outside of the internship…that’s another blog for another time.