'tell me would you *kill to save a life?'

a picture frame that can't be filled
torn between telling the truth and keeping a friend
wanting to bleed
these are all shallow
these are all selfish
these are all dumb
wanting to have fun...to feel free
not belonging
not being able to live
wanting something that will never come
this is silly
this is ridiculous
this is no big deal...really
wanting the beauty to shine.


*'kill' doesn't necessarily mean killing someone else.

'the purpose of all wars...is peace.'

new favorite dude to get quotes from: st. augustine.
there is a specific quote i am looking for but cannot find, but through searching i have found some pretty great words of the wise!

'since love grows within you, so beauty grows, for love is the beauty of the soul.'

'faith is to believe what you do not see, the reward of this faith is to see what you believe.'

these are just the start...love this guy!

my favorites of 2009

one from each month.
january and december maybe my favorites...interesting.

january
am i important

february
polygamy

march
attempt=risk=chance

april
what can i do for you

may
for you

june
losing your hearts desire

july
the battle i don't want to fight

august
two worlds coming together

september
what i see that they don't

october
i guess i know better now

november
living cautiously may kill us faster

december
he who fears has not yet been made perfect in love

the heart.

"a man of words and not of deeds is like a garden full of weeds.
and when the weeds begin to grow it’s like a garden full of snow.
and when the snow begins to fall, it’s like a bird upon the wall.
and when the bird away does fly, it’s like an eagle in the sky.
and when the sky begins to roar, it’s like a lion at the door.
and when the door begins to crack, it’s like a stick across your back.
and when your back begins to smart, it’s like a penknife in your heart.
and when your heart begins to bleed, you’re dead, and dead, and dead indeed."
-james lucas scott

the 10 who pay attention

1) dan robinson
2) donnie keeney
3) kate robinson
4) alicia bigelow
5) misty cole
6) catherine thornton
7) melissa sinha
8) yuya tada
9) chris crooks
10) joel cox

i know i am loved by these 10 people!

he who fears has not yet been made perfect in love

she loved him for 10 years.
she knows he loved her,
but nothing real ever came from it.
these two never lived happily ever after.
she does not regret this,
and she's sure he doesn't even care...anymore at least.
what came from this love for him was this lesson learned;
if she were to ever get him, to truly get what she wanted with all her heart, she would have ended up feeling small.
she would have felt unimportant, defeated, and not good enough.
for he, in every aspect of the word, is perfect.
but...
this perfection did not vanquish the lack of confidence in her.
10 years it took her to learn this.
but he, the boy who is prefect for her, has yet to learn this lesson about the girl he once loved.

'life is full of beauty, notice it.'

every story has a hero and with every hero there is a villain.
but how many stories are there where the person the story is about turns out to be the villain?
i would say most of them.
and with this story, how many times can the person be confident in knowing who the hero is?
i would say not many of them.
in the year of 2009, i was my own villain, and i have yet to figure out who my hero was...or still is.
i hope everyone who realizes they are their own villain learns being their own worst enemy is not how we should be living life. nowhere in the definition of the word, 'villain,' are the words; hope, beauty, love, and grace.
and i hope those of us who haven't acknowledged our heroes, delve deep, because that is where the words; hope, beauty, love, and grace best present themselves.

is home really sweet?

i have been home for not even 48 hours...with a wedding yesterday in topeka...so lets make it...i have been home for about 30 hours and i have already been told this by both parents; or something close to it--

'i'd be very dissapointed in you if you did this...'

i would tell you why they said this to me...but that would prove stupidity.
which no child should ever do to the people who raised them.
can you feel the sarcasm?

loner

"when we're young, one hour can change everything."

-tell something personal

"what really matters is that you know who you really are, and how you want the world to see you."

-tell something you're afraid of.

"you have 50 minutes...go."

-where do you want to be in 10 years?

"can 50 minutes matter?"

-tell a secret

'play'n with them good girls, no that ain't your style...

what i will take from this semester:

personal life:

-the answer that screams the loudest is no answer at all.

-leaving anything unfinished really bothers me.

- movies are not meant to be processed verbally...that's why they are movies. books, sure. music, of course. not movies, we are meant to sit there, watch it, and not talk.

- walking away from things/people/situations is not that difficult when you're heart is not that attached...but when it is...some hard lessons will be learned.

- find beauty in everything and the best thing to do is to know yourself the best...except the one person who loves you the most.

- overall, with all the crap that happened this semester; life couldn't be better.

school:

- i won't get arrested if i eat vegetables for breakfast...courtesy of personal wellness

- black cohosh is apart of the buttercup family...who knew?...basic nutrition at it's best.

- it costs $150 a day to rehab a juvenile delinquent... social problems was my sanity

- dental dams are just down right funny...i am so so so glad i joined S.H.A.P.E

- school shooters and suicide victims are killing the american dream....says people who strongly believe in the power of suburbia usa...one of my best papers!

-i really did make school my number one focus this semester...and that pretty much rules.

theme song to this semester - hot mess

...you're a hot mess, and i'm fall'n for you.'

.

feelings maybe hurt...but i'm apathetic

so, i never thought i would blog about this, but here it is...

i hate my apartment so much....ugh, so much.

and knowing i have to do it all again next semester puts so much hate in my heart.

just walking to my door...i can't even explain it...pure hatred.

i can't be here anymore.

'this is a song for anyone with a broken heart...'

sometimes i really hate the people i trust the most.

because i don't know if i really do trust them.

or why i trust them.

or what they have done specifically to gain my trust.

sometimes i wonder if i will be able to keep trusting them.

this post is one big contradiction...trust and doubt intertwining.

with tears

"sometimes i think we waste our words and we waste our moments and we don't take the time to say what's on our hearts when we have the chance."-oth

fat talk free week

some statistics for you to put in perspective:

first a disclaimer!... even though the above video is geared towards women, men struggle with body image and eating disorders also...it does happen even though many people don't believe so.

-anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any psychological disorder.

-age group with the highest prevelance: 18- 19 years old.

-age group with the second highest prevelance: 11-15 years old.

-- 33% of teenagers ages 11-15 have said they have dealt with or are dealing with an eating disorder.

--10% of that 33% said their eating disorder started before the age of 10.

--42% of children in 1st to 3rd grade want to be thinner then they already are.

--20% of elementary aged girls 'starve' themselves to lose weight.

--24% of elementary school children skip meals to lose weight.

--60% of 6th grade girls would rather be blind or paralyzed then be over-weight.

-these same 6th graders said being over-weight gave the same feeling of being excluded and upset

-over half of teen girls use unhealthy weight control tactics for the sole purpose to be thinner...not healthy

-over 1/3 of teen boys do the same thing.

--35% of 'normal' dieters progress to pathological dieting

-from this 35%, 20-25% progress to having a full-blown eating disorder

--23% of college students suffer or has suffered from an eating disorder.

-want perspective: if there are 360 students in a room, that is, give or take 90 students.

-using scare tactics as a way of prevention does not help, it shows techniques on how to have an eating disorder

---these are all approximate and from studies around the usa because of course, people lie and would rather keep it a secret.---

i can't help it...

'i want your love, and i want your revenge,

i want your love, i don't wanna be friends,

--break to that in french!--

i don't want to be friends, want a bad romance,

i want your love and i want your revenge, you and me could write a bad romance.'

...i just think these lyrics are so dang clever...and a pretty good legit question.

blast you lady gaga...ya got me.

'you know all those books i have that i won't let you read? it's just all these love poems that are about you.'

PostSecret: Confessions on Life, Death and God from Frank Warren on Vimeo.

so good. so real. so true.

don't hit back

discoverbeauty in everyone.

if you've got it in you, get along with everybody.

don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do.

"i'll do the judging," says god. "i'll take care of it."

do everything in love.

never get your hopes up...

oh man...it just clicked

i'm always second best.

even when i think for a second that i might be first.

...it always turns out to be a disappointment.

this is why people hide.

'...like it wouldn't matter if i wasn't here.

i guess i just wanted them to be afraid of losing me.

ya know?

feel it a little.'-oth

'i don't know how...

you could go here! or you could just scroll down five posts.

that lesson i was suppose to learn...wasn't really something that i needed to learn.

this lesson was something that i already new but needed confirmation.

i am loved.

i am wanted.

i am needed.

i do fit here.

and oh yeah! i got that confirmation.

i just hope the confirmation continues, which is all me and something i need to work on.

i just can't forget the atop four things.

because maybe

you're gonna be the one who saves me?

and after all

you're my wonderwall'

'well she wants to live her life, then she thinks about her life'

lately i have come to realize that i am a very defiant person.

lets take a glance at the definition:

-boldly resisting

-challenging authority

well, i would agree with these definitions, but what i am relating to is, i am pretty defiant to the belief system in which i was raised...so, would that make me a rebel?

i enjoy breaking rules.

i sometimes look for the opportunity.

it isn't that i disagree with how i was raised...i, in no way, shape, or form should complain on this issue...i was raised by two of the best parents to ever walk this earth.

however, there are so many things i was afraid to do growing up because of how specific activities were presented to me...scare tactics or a 'it is just wrong' philosophy,(this mainly came from my culture and environment) that i figured out that trying things that are opposite of what i learned growing up does not make me defiant, it makes me curious...

lets take a glance at the definition:

-a state in which you want to learn about something new

-a desire to know or learn

...it is what i do with that curiosity that can make me defiant.

i was thinking about the past couple weeks and thinking, 'what happened to me?' 'what am i doing?' and i felt guilty for about 2 minutes and figured out... i should never regret what i do., while also knowing this is me living my life, this is exactly what i should be doing as a 21 year old.

as long as i am careful, keep myself safe, as well as others, and know when to take responsibility for my actions...there is no issue, no reason to ever over think things.

now is the time to have fun.

i succeeded!

"change your mind"

-sister hazel

hey, hey
did you ever think
there might be another way
to just feel better,
just feel better about today

oh no-
if you never want to have to turn and go away
you might feel better,
might feel better if you stay

yeah yeah
i bet you haven't heard
a word i've said
yeah yeah
if you've had enough
of all your tryin'
just give up
the state of mind you're in:

if you want to be somebody else,
if you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
if you want to be somebody else
change your mind...

hey hey-
have you ever danced in the rain
or thanked the sun
just for shining- just for shining
or the sea?
oh no- take it all in
the world's a show
and yeah, you look much better,
look much better when you glow

hey hey-
what ya say
we both go and seize the day
'cause what's your hurry
what's your hurry anyway

yeah yeah

hope you've heard every word i've said

yeah yeah

i've had enough of all your tryin

just give up the state of mind you're in...

-however, it wasn't easy.

laughter

i would just like to say this is post number 201!

and i am celebrating by doing a convo. from the movie 'up,' that i finally saw yesterday and my friend donnie probably wanted to punch me in the face for punching him in the arm preparing him for the up coming conversation that i knew about between carl and russell!

are you ready?!?

'but i'm tirred, and my kneee hurts'-russell

'which knee?'-carl

~pause~

'my elbow hurts and i have to go to the baathroom'-russell

'i told you about that five minutes ago!'-carl

'but i didn't neeed to goo theen.'-russell

oh my gosh...brilliant, i love it.

'so you sailed away ...

i'm about to learn the biggest lesson of my life thus far.

i don't know if i'm ready.

it has only been 24 hours and i'm already struggling...but it needs to be learned.

but it's not so bad

you're only the best i ever had

you don't need me back

you're just the best i ever had'

-vertical horizon

i love when i'm listening to the perfect song at the perfect time!

living cautiously may kill us faster

i may be turning into a girl who just doesn't care, when i know i care too much.

it may be my number one emotion.

it used to be hostility.

i don't know which is better.

going from being bitter, angry, and depressed to being hopeful, enlightened and free but still fails to be remembered.

again, i don't know which is worse.

if you're going through hell, keep walking - w.c

moving on from the life we used to have and the life we chose to leave is really difficult when there is something to remind us of all the crap we brought upon ourselves and all the brainless issues we took so personally on a daily basis.

those people who do that, who remind us of who we used to be because they can't leave that mindset...they can't see the different person standing in front of them makes me want to hit someone.

thank you for reminding me why i walked away.

where i screwed up? i looked back.

there is more to christianity...

than evangelism and missions!

~shock fills the air~

the past two years of my life those two words have been pushed in my face because that is what everyone is doing these days...which is great! don't get me wrong, but heaven forbid someone doesn't want to do this with their life, and heaven forbid someone doesn't really enjoy evangelism, or feel called to it.

well, i have been at the wrong here, i have been bitter and angry at my christian outlets for every sermon and every organizations purpose being 'how the best way to evangelize is, and why it is the most important aspect of our religion...blah blah blah,' that i haven't realized that my strengths and spiritual gifts are just as important as the people who rock at evangelizing.

here is a snip from a blog that i never posted because i couldn't bring myself to without really thinking about what i was typing. this blog has to do with christians putting an emphasis on one thing...particularly evangelism, but for other religions like mormonism it's prophecy, or for middle eastern religions it's prayer, etc. etc.

'the change that was made; the body of this building went from being theological, deep, and intimate, we went from truly learning the message of jesus through the bible and really understanding what it means to live for christ through many different outlooks; prayer, bible studies, evangelism, really studying the bible, and through personal interaction with our fellow brother and sisters in christ. where the change happened. these for mentioned ways of building the christian community were quite balanced in my opinion but two years ago the term 'evangelism,' sky-rocketed to the top and pretty much put all the other well balanced ways of loving jesus on the back burner...and you know what? they fried.'

i am not one to go out on a street corner and talk to people about christ, i am also not the person to hand out pamphlets or go sit with someone while they are eating lunch and ask them to point at a card to represent their relationship with christ, or ask god to give me a clue and go search for it like a treasure hunt, that just isn't my style.

i get the judgment that because i don't fit this mold i am not a 'good enough' christian. that i am not on the 'right path' that christians should be on. my skill is listening, gaining trust from someone then if i know they are comfortable with me talk to them about their faith...it's a subtle boldness.

i have always said, if i am meant to talk to someone about christ and help them with their walk, god will let me know, if not, then they are meant for someone else.

christianity isn't just about conversion, evangelism, and mission work, we are here to glorify god, love him before everything else and to love our neighbor. we forget that there are many many ways of doing this.

so, i need to embrace what i am good at...building trusting relationships, by living among people who may or may not be broken and also partaking in the same activities...it is okay to have an alcoholic beverage, i shouldn't be afraid or feel high and mighty if i see people smoking pot, etc. as long as i stay safe and am not breaking the law who am i to judge people who may not be safe or make bad choices? didn't jesus hang with the sinners, and the prostitutes and the lepers? well i am a sinner too. what makes me better then everyone else? nothing. i am here to love god and show his love through my actions.

i am so blessed that i can say i am in love with my faith!

this is me.

i went to a postsecret event tonight and it was amazing.

postsecret helps me see my future everyday by the words written from people all over the world.

i have three secrets...

here's only one...

'i'm a size 12, i love my body, and all the scars i put there.'

god loves me.

-if you don't know what postsecret is scroll down to 'my pals' and you'll see the link.

reality check

i have trouble expressing myself and putting words on to explain certain events happening in my life.

lately i have had to really evaluate some friendships of mine, and i have put words to them, however they are not my own.

pulling words from quotes or lyrics may not be creative, but it gets the point across.

for one friendship i have finally accepted and fully understand this;

'i am not running away from the problem, i am walking away from something that is broken.'-oth

the other friendship i have had since i was five. i have put this friendship on a pedestal and sadly came to the realization we will never be 'good' friends, and now that i think about it, i don't think we ever were.

'i close my eyes, and no one's here, i say I'm fine it's what you want to hear...i'm invisible.'

and from these quotes i can finally bring my own thoughts to the equation...

i guess we all have to grow up sometime and realize the best of friendships always end up shattering.

'i guess i know better now'

it might be said losing ones first love is the worst feeling ever.

it might be said losing a loved one to death brings on the worst feeling possible.

it might even be said losing our heart's desire may be the worst feeling to ever enter our souls.

all legitimate. of course...

the worst feeling clearly is knowing when one is forgotten.

'and i can see that it's a lie.'

i try not to notice

even while staring it right in the face

watching something die

doesn't make me appreciate life any greater

it's right in front me

mocking

manipulating

suffering

i don't feel bad

i don't feel angry

i don't feel guilty

i'm scared

while having no one to tell this to.

potential endings.

'why do you two keep investing in each other?'

i don't know. i don't need them anymore. and sometimes i think i invest way more then they do, but just because i don't need them doesn't mean i should stop being their friend.

'maybe they need you, they just don't know it, or want to admit it. i don't know, maybe it's your turn.'

only if that were true.

part 1: understanding

if my brain had a meter for my most said word, know what it would be?
'need(ed)'
a close second would be the word 'like'
here's why, the past year of my life most of my conversations have been talking about the meaning of this word and how it fits in with the friendships and relationships around me.
and i came to realize that giving what my friends need, but not having those needs reciprocated back, the friendship/relationship is not going to work.
pretty simple right?
not really.
it is actually quite difficult.
here are a few examples separated in three posts (it isn't as complicated this way) each example grows off of the previous example.

example one:
friend y believes their friendship with friend z will be easy, and the one that can be completely honest and open. friend y needs the feeling of knowing they are needed by their friends. friend z does not enjoy the feeling of being needed. because of this, neither friend y or friend z are getting what they need.
why? friend z might not go to friend y when life is rough and friend z may have more boundaries with friend y that friend y may not be aware of, which means friend y thought the friendship was much greater then friend z.

basically, from this example these two friends have completely different views on the friendship.

lesson learned: friendships are not effortless, they take work, the friends also have to be on the same page.

part 2: others needs

example two:
friend c has issues...how do they deal with it? processing the situations by themself and figuring it out on their own.
friend d has issues...how do they deal with it? verbally.
how these two friends collide? friend d may go to friend c with their issues and have to talk about struggles in their life and friend c may be more then happy to be there for them...but! friend c does not process verbally so they may not talk to friend d about their life, who needs a give and take friendship.
friend c is giving, but not allowing friend d to give back, which means friend d does not feel as needed as friend c. but! on the other hand, friend c starts to get frustrated with friend d because friend d maybe taking up a lot of friend c's time.
friend c is not getting what they need from the friendship because friend d is not giving what friend c needs by letting them have time to them self to figure their life out. so, friend c starts resenting friend d because all their attention is going to friend d's issues and not their own.


basically, friend c and friend d are thinking about their own needs and not the others. they both have problems but have not figured out a good balance, or set boundaries to where they both win...friend d can verbalize their life, while friend c may understand friend d needs something back from friend c, but just doesn't process that way. but friend c needs to learn patience with friend d.
friend d needs to realize just because friend c doesn't share their life all the time doesn't mean they don't like friend d any less. (if friend c doesn't share their life because of trust issues, then there again is a need that isn't being met)

lesson learned: friendships have to be as selfless as possible, but two friends should be able to tell the other what they need from the friendship. there needs to be a balance of putting the other person first, but making sure the intimacy isn't tampered with because someone isn't getting what they need.

part 3: knowing yourself

example three (last one i promise):
friend m and friend n have always had good boundaries with their friendship, and not only that, have been friends for most of their life. friend m understands friend n and vice versa, they understand why each other is the way they are, and are just in tune with how the other person works...this is why their boundaries are so good, they know what to talk about with each other, and how to respect the other person. but the boundary line was starting to get fuzzy because friend n was realizing how friend m works forced friend n to put their needs on the back burner. friend n realized this is not friend m's fault because friend n is the reason the friendship isn't really where they want it to be. friend m did nothing wrong, not verbalizing their life or going to friend n is not a personal vendetta towards friend n, they just don't like the attention.

basically, friend n wasn't trusting the friendship in knowing, just because friend m doesn't share all the time it isn't because they don't care. friend n didn't realize it is perfectly acceptable to ask for clarity in the friendship (redefining the boundaries). friend n also did not have faith in them self or believe they are actually important to friend m, and that is not friend m's problem.

lesson learned: knowing what our own needs are, are just as, if not more important then knowing the needs of the other person.

this is what i have learned within the past year of my life...phew.

april 14, 1912

not saying that anyone had it better then anyone else on the titanic...but know who i wouldn't want to be....going off the characters in the film.

i would not want to be one of the members of the quartet that has to play cheery uplifting music to try and distract the passengers while the boat is sinking and women and children are being separated from their husbands and fathers.

umm.

like i said, not that, that is any better. but, oh my gosh. i have seen this movie a billion and two times and i'm blown away every time.

my heart rate is rising people and my eyes aren't blinking and this freaking happened 97 years ago. wow.

'and in between pray hard'

what's that quote?

'do something everyday that scares you?'

well, can it be the same thing...it doesn't say, 'do something different everyday that scares you.'

hmmm...this is what scares me.

prayer. not just prayer, but shutting up for at least ten minutes to listen.

i mean, i can give god ten minutes of my time to listen to what he's saying right? right.

sad i know, but this will be hard.

it's so ridiculous i can't even think of a title

whenever someone tells me,

'you get everything you want.'

i want to laugh at them and then cut them out of my life, because they know absolutely nothing about me to the point they can't even relearn who i am.

it's almost comical.

i'm glad i'm refraining from bursting out into laughter.

my day

this is what i want to say:" this is not their fault, they think i know these things because of who they think i am to you. but you wouldn't know that because you don't know anything about my life right now and i don't know anything about yours. i've been kidding myself thinking we have been close friends for so long. four times, this has happened four times, what is it about me that i can't know? and the excuse, 'i forgot,' doesn't mean anything."

instead, this is what i'm thinking:

pieces by ellery: click here then go to number 6) pieces and hear a little bit of the amazing-ness!

figured it out, i should have figured it out by now

it’s nothing but a wish; we all dream of something greater

ever a doubt, if there was ever any doubt

you find out what you are, yeah, you find out sooner or later

kept my mouth shut, i should have kept my mouth shut baby
it’s nothing but trouble oh it’s had me here before
no matter what, no matter what i hear me saying
it’s never what i could have said on the other side of your door

chorus:
pieces, i’m in pieces
i’m in pieces, i’m invisible

let it all go, i should have let it all go
me and all my taking myself so seriously
enough to know, you’ve been around enough to know
i’d make a mess of plenty more if it was up to me

chorus

or am i, am i blind?
we both lied, we both mind
i won’t cry this time
i always say, i always say i’m fine
just fine, just fine

chorus

this proves this blog

individualism torn down by a conservative

"from this chart in one of our power points it just proved to me i would much rather live in europe."

'the tax is higher over there.'

"oh my gosh, we've been over this, their wages are higher so they are able to pay higher taxes. we can't do that here because our wages aren't as good...for most not all, and with really bad benefits."

'you go to a school where they teach you all this liberal sided crap.'

"it's a chart based off research of wages and work-benefits all over the world, how is that liberal?my school isn't trying to, in your words 'corrupt me,' and here's a question for you, if you are so against what they 'teach' us in these schools, why is it so important to you that we get an education? and don't forget you went to a state university also...

-pause-

or is it because i'm not like my siblings and went into a field that isn't math or business?

this is when it hit me!!!!!!

i'm in a field where they don't teach us equations and how to balance a checkbook, and you just can't handle that."

-and scene-

what i want to do is just not good enough for this person, i am barely skimming the surface of a legitimate major in their eye's.

i had an epiphany today about a relationship between me and a family member, and they have taken some digs at my major and basically called what i want to do a joke, and it is all because they are a conservative and because i went outside the box with i want to do, they just don't understand me and we have nothing in common. they are such a liar and live their life acting like they think what i'm doing is noble and kind and they cover it up with hugs and money. i would take respect over a check any day.

what a hypocrite.

interesting that most conservatives are more about individualism/capitalism...well here it is first hand (the individualism part), and this person can't even take it.

vul-ner-able. vul-ner-a-bility.

susceptible to physical or emotional injury. - freedicitionary

capable of being physically or emotionally wounded. -merriam-webster

i looked at about 10 definitions, and these two pretty much sum up all 10.

nothing good can come from being vulnerable...whether it's with a close friend or a complete stranger.

i'm done because there is absolutely no point...i learned this lesson a little too late.

be like this...please

go here

your voice was soft
it always is
thats why i thought
i'd get through this

your fingertips
light on my face
felt like a kiss
that's my mistake

i was staying up all night
had every detail memorized
i felt my edges start to slip
i said i wouldn't be like this
said i wouldn't be like this

i told you once
the braver half
who i'd become if
you ever left

the less there is
of me to show
the more i wish
you didn't know

you moved too close
for me to think
straight, and so
i let me sink

it's not your fault
i wanted to
i built the walls
i can't get through

and i apologize for
the way my eyes wont leave the floor
(repeat)

yes, i am defending taylor

last night i ranted to my friend coop about what happened to taylor swift.

here's the thing. i cannot stand her, i hate her music, her voice, her whole persona makes me want to gag.

but!!!!

what kanye did to her was absolutely, with out a doubt uncalled for.

yes, she was the least talented out of all the nominee's, but her video was cute, that's the whole point.

he ripped this girl apart, remember she's 19 years old.

that's why i feel bad for her. it's not even about her talent or who's better or worse.

a 19 year old just won her first vma (an award show that is 'technically' not even for her)...i use the word technically loosely, and this tool comes on stage and tells her she basically isn't worthy to win the award because she was up against beyonce.

he was right, but it was what he did, and how he did it.

well, beyonce won video of the year and showed major class bringing taylor back up to give her, her moment back. maybe kanye can learn something from her and that is how someone should use their fame; humbly.

all in all, kanye is a jack ass who needs to be punched in the face.

-favorite parts of the show!

1) i want to marry russell brand

2) pink had the best performance of the night...freaking amazing.

a constant plague

it's never going to change.

it's not going to go away.

that feeling of inadequacy.

feeling like a burden.

and the reason this is happening now, is i can't give people what they need, or even feel like a true friend if they don't let me in, which means they don't trust me, which in turn makes me feel unimportant in their eyes.

the hard part is believing if it is really happening, or if it is just me thinking i'm not worth it.

some friendships are because they won't let me in, others it's all me and my thoughts, but the friendships where i know i am not trusted are the ones i don't want to let go.

it is a cycle where no one wins.

i hate it. and it isn't getting better.

what i see, that they don't

riddle me this please?

have you ever seen in tv shows or movies when a character is just blatantly staring at another character...i don't mean, staring because they hate them, or have a crush on them, i mean sitting there, staring at them, reading them.

creepy right? not really.

here's the riddle...have you ever done this?

well, i will be the first to admit i have.

when i do find myself doing this ever so, not so polite 'trying to figure them out' tactic , they are the ones i think are just down right amazing. they have their shit together and are just incredible human beings.

second part of the riddle...these people i believe to be truly remarkable, don't see it in themselves. that's why i'm trying to figure them out.

i see it, i. just. see it. and whatever that 'it' is, is why i'm their friend.

but they don't see it in themselves.

and it is so sad...i don't use this word for it's true meaning often.

they have so much potential and so much going for them they are afraid to jump, afraid to take that leap.

but maybe, just maybe i'm trying to talk about something i know nothing about...yes, there are many things that i have not taken the leap because i didn't have the 'means' to do so (i will hit this later) but the leap i'm taking is; i don't have a backup plan. it's, become a therapist or...(cricket, cricket).

sometimes i defend people and the reason they don't take chances by blaming their parents influence, or their work load, when really they are their own worst enemy and harshest critic,

or! they believe they have to live up to some other persons expectations.

i understand the concept of respect and i understand the concept of being realistic, but what happened to the concept of sticking up for ourselves? what happened to the thought of anything is possible?

this is where it gets fuzzy.

remember the 'means' comment,

well, yeah, i can't do certain things because i don't have the money right now, or here's a good one, i'm a girl. i'll give an example...i stayed in a hostel for four weeks, by myself. um, no one thought i could do it because i'm a girl and it isn't safe. well i did.

those 'means' are the biggest load of crap ever. if someone wants to do something, do it.

who, really, is going to stop us?

these friends of mine are fantastic and are going to seriously change the world, but they are stuck and it is because they either have to follow what their parents tell them, finish school, or have to work so they can pay the bills. (yes, i get that these need to be taken care of)

but. what if we said this, who fucking cares?

i'm being totally serious.

i'm not saying completely defy our parents, or skip class when we know we have a test the next day.

i'm saying live life. stop being so serious all the time. and another thing, um people tell me because i'm 21 and a little girl that i don't 'get' things because i haven't experienced them(however just because i don't experience something, doesn't mean i don't understand)

this is what i'm saying, i want to experience things, but i'm holding myself back because i blame others for blaming my age.

catch 22 right?

here is my final part to this riddle.

what if! we stood up to our parents because they just don't get us?

what if! we went on that road trip?

what if! we took that unpaid internship two summers in a row?

what if! we put our heart on the line and chose the boy over the job?

sounds nice.

but, to counteract this argument...life isn't a 'what if'' situation is it?

life is a 'what is,' not a life of 'what should be.'

so, i stare at my friends and that spark, that flame, that was once there, is gone.

i just want to shake them and tell them to stop doing what everyone else tells them to do or expects them to do.

we, me included, are holding ourselves back because of what the rules of 'growing up' tells us to do. or, our parents.

what am i gonna do about it? instead of just ranting and putting my thoughts out there.

i'm going to do what i'm 'suppose' to do, but i'm gong to make my decisions based on what i want and i will consider what the people around me are telling me, i will.

but i have never been a people-pleaser and i don't plan on starting now.

people-pleasers need to figure out who they are, stick up for themselves, and just live their life.

did you figure out the riddle?

what i won't be.

why are adults so dumb?

what happens to us when we become adults?

where does the adventure go and the passion and the excitment?

and most of all, the understanding that some things can't be explained, so why question them? but, at the same time, never questioning anything that really matters.

it makes me want to scream.

they just conform....god, adults suck.

'we don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers...

we won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life'-twloha

lately i have been making some very adult, very tough, potentially heartbreaking decisions that i should never have to make and to some people i may or may not be making the 'correct' choices.

the thing about that is...the people questioning me, really no nothing about the situation i'm going through.

they only know what i tell them, but the aren't in my brain, and they don't understand my heart.

they take the view of trying to make me think differently because a new perspective can help.

not with this one.

i know i am not perfect.

i know i have messed up in a few cases, but looking at the big picture i have handled this ridiculously well.

i just need a little credit.

i need my friends to trust me and believe me that i am making the right choices, and that what this whole blog is surrounding i have been around since i was 14...i'm 21 now. that is a longtime.

yes i could be numb, i could be unemotionally detached, but ya know what? that allows me to think logically and rationally about the events happening in my life.

i have been praised by the adults in my life and how i have handled the most stressful situation in my life at this point.

what i need is encouragement from my friends and i'm not getting it.

i appreciate their input, i really do, but they need to understand i know the situation better, i have lived with it for an extremely long time.

just fucking trust me.

i don't want to start resenting people or withhold my anger, and i'm not even angry, i'm disappointed that the people i talk to most about my struggles just question everything i do.

i should and am confident in my decisions and how i am balancing my life and not getting to wrapped up in things i can't control.

i know how to show love to the person who needs it the most from their best friend because i know them, whether they see the love or not or no longer know me at all.

what a year can bring.

i don't use the word 'unstable' that often, i just don't.

i use the word 'discontent,' 'uneasy,' 'unbalanced,' but never 'unstable.'

yes, i know they all have pretty much the same meaning.

but, i just realized that is the word i should have been using, because i am the most stable i have ever been.

and that is a great feeling!

two worlds coming together...

how do i feel? is the question i keep getting.

i don't like it.

i went to some of my older blogs and i never realized how many of my blogs follow a sequence of two people.

probably because they have had a huge impact on my life with in the past two years.

one i have known for about two years, and the other i have known for eight years.

now, these two friends are in the same place at the same time and i'm having trouble accepting that.

i don't mix my friends, it is nothing personal to them...well, maybe it is, but i have never been one to mix my different groups of friends, ever since i was little, i didn't do it.

i'm actually glad i have blogged about these two the most because reading back on them i realized, i am making the right decision and hanging out with them all the time as the three of us is just not going to work.

i just wish they would trust me in what i am doing.

here is the sequence of my blogs about these two if you want to see the progress.

final progress report as of now...

friend one: fantastic! last semester is buried, at least to me it is, hopefully it is to them also.

friend two: a little more complicated. i know not to take what they do as personally, so it makes it a way more touchier subject.

about both of them

-friend one, friend two

-the ups and down of 2008

-branded

-do you dream that the world would know your

-the battle i don't want to fight

-my focus

-confession

-and now this one!

friend one

-friend zone

-work ethic and its results

-family studies and human services

-patience

-attemptchancerisk

-revelation-8

-quote-8 and revelation-9

-preoccupied

-this is how i think

-for you

-what's past these hands?

-losing your hearts desire

-where did i go wrong? i lost a friend

-if you were with me tonight

-so soon, really? another confession

friend two

-talk about uncanny

-want honesty

interesting that i have known friend two longer, have been through more with them and just down right know them better and their number doesn't even compare to friend one, that means friend two has impacted me to the point i have become numb to our friendship

this is what i think about these two people no matter what, whether they believe it or not.

"It is beauty that captures your attention, it is personality that captures your heart"

so soon, really? another confession

when i was gone, there is only one person who really knew how i felt, so i am just going to share my side of the texting conversation because sometimes getting it out there and not just keeping it to myself can help.

i also don't want to file it into the back of my brain for it to come out later and make an issue, like what happened last semester.

i am not over somethings that happened last year, which, to me is okay because it means i am still figuring out the lesson i am suppose to be learning.

but here are a few texts i sent my closest friend the one night i just couldn't bare coming back to kansas.

'it's not that i want to stay here, it's that i don't want to go back there."

'i don't like it. i'm not myself. i hate how i'm treated and who i've surrounded myself with. i don't fit in, and i just don't like it.

'the people i've been hanging out with for the past year. they aren't really my friends. when i go back i have to start over again and i hate that. the only two people who have kept tabs on me are m.w. and my roommate. i understand life doesn't stop when i'm gone, but no one has asked.'

'i just don't like my life in manhattan.'

'i know i'm the only one who can change that but it doesn't change how other people act. i tried and i failed so i just have to do it again.'

so, i know this is a little scattered and since then i have figured a lot of this stuff out and when i was driving back to manhattan i was overly pumped about being back.

i think it is because the above conversation and doubts i had, don't really matter.

the people from last year will stay if they're meant to, if not, then that really sucks and some pretty great friendships just got shattered.

if i'm meant to be their friend, they will want me around and actually try, not just 'see how it goes.'--lamest tactic ever, by the way.

this could possibly be a very painful process, but right now, i am good and i'm not worrying about it, because i am done worrying about people who i don't need to worry about.

from two blogs ago or so, this still doesn't answer fully what's been going on in my head because i do plan on keeping that one a secret for people to figure out.

okay, my heart cannot reveal anymore.

confession

certain people i just don't share with some people.

readers; you can think this is childish, lame, wrong, immoral, or just down right silly.

i don't care. i'm done sharing then being put on the back burner.

those six are mine.

'and if you were with me tonight'

hmmm.

never ever ever. ever. has this quote made more sense to me in my life till right now.

"if you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best."

-marilyn monroe

hmmm. interesting.

i have been trying to figure out what's been going on with my head since i've been back and i've even tried to explain it to people who ask about my trip, but i haven't for the life of me been able too.

well, i can now, but i won't. i want people to notice it in my actions.

want more explanation? go here

my focus...

for this year
*will not be my family
*will not be my friends
*will not be god
will not be how i look, which is rarely my focus anyway
will not be what could possibly reappear in my life whether it be a wound, or a person, or a situation.

my focus...
for this year
will be my classes.
i've never been more pumped for a semester or school in general ever...seriously, ever. i don't know what's different about this year, but i'll figure it out.

*these three things are still important to me, but in away, i might not put as much effort into them. one semester at a time please.

"it's some great life experience"

even though i posted this blog when i got home, I actually wrote it during my four hour wait till my flight left…getting on the internet was impossible. i am not going to pay ten dollars for maybe an hour’s time on the internet…i would pay outrageous prices for certain things (sox/yankee’s game at fenway for instance) but for internet, no thanks.

the reason for this blog is not for a history lesson in surgical tools, or to talk about pirates (will come later), or to talk about evolution (will come later also), it isn't even a quote, or a revelation (this can be argued by the end of the blog) this is to collect my thoughts that have accumulated over the past four weeks. i have been in chicago since the middle of july, not to have fun, or to be a tourist, or to find myself, but for an internship with a program that i have developed a high respect for; headstart,. in turn, because of this internship, i did have fun, i did do touristy things, and i learned more about myself in the past four weeks, then i have in the three years i have been in college. my internship was simple; shadow the clinical psychologist of the headstart childcare center in chicago, illinois. this was not simple and it was not easy, it was actually one of the most challenging things i have had to do for two reasons; i have not spent this much time with children in years. i don’t connect with them very well. i am in tune with them because my brain and taste buds are not that far off from a four year old. but talking with them is so difficult. also, i have never had to do so much paperwork in my life…which is good because to be a therapist ¾’s of the job is paperwork and billing.

going into the internship i was nervous on how i would do with the kids. my job with the kids was observing and giving individual attention to the ones considered ‘high risk.’ in other words, the kids who the teachers and staff knew had crappy home lives.

the first kid i got, let’s call them child x was incredible and i adored this child. x just needed someone consistent. child x didn’t know if their mother would be alive the next day because of domestic violence and lived with their aunts who were fighting for custody, but the mother would not put this child’s needs first. unfortunately, child x left half way through my internship because their mother took them from the one thing that was structured and safe in their life; school. when child x left i did struggle on why i was there because x was in a way my case study to learn the most and to make a slight difference. i then had to move to another child within the same class, lets call them child y. child y is this four year old kid that wants to be snoop or the most badass gansta rappa ever lived (their words), or. batman. with y i could see how fast these kids have to grow up, but then in a moment, with a change in the eye they would be four year old again. sadly, the last day of my internship, i found out child y had been molested by their neighbor who was 8 years old. in both situations with x and y, i had no reaction, not even a sigh, this is interesting because it shows that I can handle this job. there were three children i worked with the closest; child x, child y, and child z. child z had two things going on; they are related to child x (cousins), and after child x left child z started to become very emotional and very defiant. this is what I think…the over- emotional, the crying, the ‘i want my mommy’ was not an attention getter, the defiance was. and this is where it got tough and where i was having trouble connecting with this kid. i had to treat this kid like it was an attention getter for both the tears and the acting out. it drove me insane because i was getting so frustrated with myself on not being able to understand what was going on, we still don’t know for sure.

when the teacher gave me my evaluation this was what she told me, ‘it is okay not to get to them so quickly when they start crying.’ this i completely disagree with. i know I do not have a degree in early childhood, or a teaching degree, and yes, overall, this teacher gave me very good constructive criticism, but my rule when it comes to children under the age of five is; if they are crying, get to them within 20 seconds. i mean, think about it, if a child is crying and no one gets to them to see what is wrong they will learn that if they are upset or something happened, what’s the point of crying? no one cares. that is not okay with me. the other things the teacher told me was, instead of figuring out the problem right away when kids are fighting, redirect them to something else. judge the issue on the type of words said and if there is hitting, etc. kids can’t always explain things, so just (rest is paraphrased) put a pin in it for the next time it happens…she was very right, i did struggle with this.

my evaluation from my supervisor was great, it was nice knowing i did a good job and that this profession suits me. she was a little bummed i couldn’t do more clinical work, but i actually enjoyed doing all the paperwork because it taught me that even though i want to do this for the rest of my life because i love it, it isn’t all gumdrops and lollipops with a cherry on top. i mean, look at the kids I hung out with, they aren’t even five yet.

this internship was incredible because it reconfirmed what i know best and that is, i do best with middle schoolers. but it totally put me out of my comfort zone because i get totally intimidated by pre-k kids, i also learned more of what i don't want to do and that is administrative work, which is what my supervsor did and she enjoys it. i want to be the one sitting their listening to a child or student tell me what is happening in their life, i want to do therapy sessions. besides the internship, i also stayed in a hostel, got my personal space violated by riding a bus everyday, was in a big city by myself, and got to go to some amazing museums that allowed me to make this trip as educational as possible…while having a few fun nights as well! it was a great mixture of everything. this experience i learned to keep myself in the shadows because i was an intern, but i knew when to speak up about somethings, because if i didn’t, it would have looked like i was learning nothing.

when it comes to me and what i learned about myself outside of the internship…that’s another blog for another time.

stay tuned.