what a year can bring.

i don't use the word 'unstable' that often, i just don't.
i use the word 'discontent,' 'uneasy,' 'unbalanced,' but never 'unstable.'
yes, i know they all have pretty much the same meaning.
but, i just realized that is the word i should have been using, because i am the most stable i have ever been.
and that is a great feeling!


two worlds coming together...

how do i feel? is the question i keep getting.
i don't like it.

i went to some of my older blogs and i never realized how many of my blogs follow a sequence of two people.
probably because they have had a huge impact on my life with in the past two years.
one i have known for about two years, and the other i have known for eight years.
now, these two friends are in the same place at the same time and i'm having trouble accepting that.
i don't mix my friends, it is nothing personal to them...well, maybe it is, but i have never been one to mix my different groups of friends, ever since i was little, i didn't do it.
i'm actually glad i have blogged about these two the most because reading back on them i realized, i am making the right decision and hanging out with them all the time as the three of us is just not going to work.
i just wish they would trust me in what i am doing.

here is the sequence of my blogs about these two if you want to see the progress.
final progress report as of now...
friend one: fantastic! last semester is buried, at least to me it is, hopefully it is to them also.
friend two: a little more complicated. i know not to take what they do as personally, so it makes it a way more touchier subject.

about both of them
-and now this one!

friend one

friend two

interesting that i have known friend two longer, have been through more with them and just down right know them better and their number doesn't even compare to friend one, that means friend two has impacted me to the point i have become numb to our friendship

this is what i think about these two people no matter what, whether they believe it or not.
"It is beauty that captures your attention, it is personality that captures your heart"


so soon, really? another confession

when i was gone, there is only one person who really knew how i felt, so i am just going to share my side of the texting conversation because sometimes getting it out there and not just keeping it to myself can help.
i also don't want to file it into the back of my brain for it to come out later and make an issue, like what happened last semester.
i am not over somethings that happened last year, which, to me is okay because it means i am still figuring out the lesson i am suppose to be learning.
but here are a few texts i sent my closest friend the one night i just couldn't bare coming back to kansas.

'it's not that i want to stay here, it's that i don't want to go back there."
'i don't like it. i'm not myself. i hate how i'm treated and who i've surrounded myself with. i don't fit in, and i just don't like it.
'the people i've been hanging out with for the past year. they aren't really my friends. when i go back i have to start over again and i hate that. the only two people who have kept tabs on me are m.w. and my roommate. i understand life doesn't stop when i'm gone, but no one has asked.'
'i just don't like my life in manhattan.'
'i know i'm the only one who can change that but it doesn't change how other people act. i tried and i failed so i just have to do it again.'

so, i know this is a little scattered and since then i have figured a lot of this stuff out and when i was driving back to manhattan i was overly pumped about being back.
i think it is because the above conversation and doubts i had, don't really matter.
the people from last year will stay if they're meant to, if not, then that really sucks and some pretty great friendships just got shattered.
if i'm meant to be their friend, they will want me around and actually try, not just 'see how it goes.'--lamest tactic ever, by the way.
this could possibly be a very painful process, but right now, i am good and i'm not worrying about it, because i am done worrying about people who i don't need to worry about.
from two blogs ago or so, this still doesn't answer fully what's been going on in my head because i do plan on keeping that one a secret for people to figure out.

okay, my heart cannot reveal anymore.



certain people i just don't share with some people.
readers; you can think this is childish, lame, wrong, immoral, or just down right silly.
i don't care. i'm done sharing then being put on the back burner.
those six are mine.


'and if you were with me tonight'

never ever ever. ever. has this quote made more sense to me in my life till right now.

"if you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best."
-marilyn monroe

hmmm. interesting.

i have been trying to figure out what's been going on with my head since i've been back and i've even tried to explain it to people who ask about my trip, but i haven't for the life of me been able too.
well, i can now, but i won't. i want people to notice it in my actions.

want more explanation? go here


my focus...

for this year
*will not be my family
*will not be my friends
*will not be god
will not be how i look, which is rarely my focus anyway
will not be what could possibly reappear in my life whether it be a wound, or a person, or a situation.

my focus...
for this year
will be my classes.
i've never been more pumped for a semester or school in general ever...seriously, ever. i don't know what's different about this year, but i'll figure it out.

*these three things are still important to me, but in away, i might not put as much effort into them. one semester at a time please.


"it's some great life experience"

even though i posted this blog when i got home, I actually wrote it during my four hour wait till my flight left…getting on the internet was impossible. i am not going to pay ten dollars for maybe an hour’s time on the internet…i would pay outrageous prices for certain things (sox/yankee’s game at fenway for instance) but for internet, no thanks.

the reason for this blog is not for a history lesson in surgical tools, or to talk about pirates (will come later), or to talk about evolution (will come later also), it isn't even a quote, or a revelation (this can be argued by the end of the blog) this is to collect my thoughts that have accumulated over the past four weeks. i have been in chicago since the middle of july, not to have fun, or to be a tourist, or to find myself, but for an internship with a program that i have developed a high respect for; headstart,. in turn, because of this internship, i did have fun, i did do touristy things, and i learned more about myself in the past four weeks, then i have in the three years i have been in college. my internship was simple; shadow the clinical psychologist of the headstart childcare center in chicago, illinois. this was not simple and it was not easy, it was actually one of the most challenging things i have had to do for two reasons; i have not spent this much time with children in years. i don’t connect with them very well. i am in tune with them because my brain and taste buds are not that far off from a four year old. but talking with them is so difficult. also, i have never had to do so much paperwork in my life…which is good because to be a therapist ¾’s of the job is paperwork and billing.

going into the internship i was nervous on how i would do with the kids. my job with the kids was observing and giving individual attention to the ones considered ‘high risk.’ in other words, the kids who the teachers and staff knew had crappy home lives.

the first kid i got, let’s call them child x was incredible and i adored this child. x just needed someone consistent. child x didn’t know if their mother would be alive the next day because of domestic violence and lived with their aunts who were fighting for custody, but the mother would not put this child’s needs first. unfortunately, child x left half way through my internship because their mother took them from the one thing that was structured and safe in their life; school. when child x left i did struggle on why i was there because x was in a way my case study to learn the most and to make a slight difference. i then had to move to another child within the same class, lets call them child y. child y is this four year old kid that wants to be snoop or the most badass gansta rappa ever lived (their words), or. batman. with y i could see how fast these kids have to grow up, but then in a moment, with a change in the eye they would be four year old again. sadly, the last day of my internship, i found out child y had been molested by their neighbor who was 8 years old. in both situations with x and y, i had no reaction, not even a sigh, this is interesting because it shows that I can handle this job. there were three children i worked with the closest; child x, child y, and child z. child z had two things going on; they are related to child x (cousins), and after child x left child z started to become very emotional and very defiant. this is what I think…the over- emotional, the crying, the ‘i want my mommy’ was not an attention getter, the defiance was. and this is where it got tough and where i was having trouble connecting with this kid. i had to treat this kid like it was an attention getter for both the tears and the acting out. it drove me insane because i was getting so frustrated with myself on not being able to understand what was going on, we still don’t know for sure.

when the teacher gave me my evaluation this was what she told me, ‘it is okay not to get to them so quickly when they start crying.’ this i completely disagree with. i know I do not have a degree in early childhood, or a teaching degree, and yes, overall, this teacher gave me very good constructive criticism, but my rule when it comes to children under the age of five is; if they are crying, get to them within 20 seconds. i mean, think about it, if a child is crying and no one gets to them to see what is wrong they will learn that if they are upset or something happened, what’s the point of crying? no one cares. that is not okay with me. the other things the teacher told me was, instead of figuring out the problem right away when kids are fighting, redirect them to something else. judge the issue on the type of words said and if there is hitting, etc. kids can’t always explain things, so just (rest is paraphrased) put a pin in it for the next time it happens…she was very right, i did struggle with this.

my evaluation from my supervisor was great, it was nice knowing i did a good job and that this profession suits me. she was a little bummed i couldn’t do more clinical work, but i actually enjoyed doing all the paperwork because it taught me that even though i want to do this for the rest of my life because i love it, it isn’t all gumdrops and lollipops with a cherry on top. i mean, look at the kids I hung out with, they aren’t even five yet.

this internship was incredible because it reconfirmed what i know best and that is, i do best with middle schoolers. but it totally put me out of my comfort zone because i get totally intimidated by pre-k kids, i also learned more of what i don't want to do and that is administrative work, which is what my supervsor did and she enjoys it. i want to be the one sitting their listening to a child or student tell me what is happening in their life, i want to do therapy sessions. besides the internship, i also stayed in a hostel, got my personal space violated by riding a bus everyday, was in a big city by myself, and got to go to some amazing museums that allowed me to make this trip as educational as possible…while having a few fun nights as well! it was a great mixture of everything. this experience i learned to keep myself in the shadows because i was an intern, but i knew when to speak up about somethings, because if i didn’t, it would have looked like i was learning nothing.

when it comes to me and what i learned about myself outside of the internship…that’s another blog for another time.

stay tuned.


'a house that was a home'

-if you are starting here...you really want to start here.

born in 1888, eleanor robinson was the daughter to the owner of the diamond match company. she lived in the usa during the school session and spent holidays and summers in europe.
she could go anywhere, live anywhere, and even though she was a woman could pretty much do anything.
she chose to live her life in chicago.
going back and forth from europe she decided she wanted a house that looked like marie antoinette's. the craftsmanship, the intricate details, the high ceilings where just some aspects of marie's cottage that eleanor wanted to bring back to the states.
when eleanor got married. the wedding gift from her father was money to build her dream home.
she married fredrick countiss during the years of ww1 and brought her friend howard von doren to create the masterpiece her and her husband had put together from the images she remembered from marie antoinette's cottage.



so, boys and girls the question still remains. how did this house become a museum?

eleanor was extremely involved with the red cross and the suffrage movement. she filled her home with some of the most influential people from the early to mid 1900's.
some of those *people were; the wrigley's, the hearst's, the mccormicks, the drakes, and the armours.
eleanor died when she was 42. she had four children and two of her children sold the house to the international college of surgeons.
the house was given to the college in 1952, which was then turned into a museum.
it has been said that when eleanor died, the spirit of the house died also.



*-around the city of chicago, these names are all over the place.

here is the foyer to the house.

lesson time boys and girls

i went to the museum, history of surgical science and i learned such amazing stuff, that i now want to share it with all of you who boldly read my blog.
it will be a series because the museum, like most, was broken up into sections.
we will start with what the building was before it was a museum, which was a home, one of the first largest houses to be built in the chicago area.
we will then move to the area where i learned about some of the first pioneers of medicine, whether it be with surgeries, anesthetics, discoveries with cancer, etc.
then we will travel the world country after country and at the end i will ask a single question about what you have seen and what you have caught on to and see if you know the answer.
the countries or regions we will be learning about are;
-latin america
-holland/the netherlands
-and roughly the united states of america

we will also be learning about,
the history of the x-ray
the history of the nurse
the bone crusher
the history of sanitation
the spectacle
the history of the pharmacist
these are just a few of the many amazing artifacts found in this historic building.
we will also look at the history of the tools and many other advances in medicine.

so grab your pencil, your hefty notebook and make sure you are paying attention.

are you excited?
because i am.