a 30 day trial

so, i was asked the question...if i could eat my favorite food for 30 days straight, would i get sick of it? well first i have to determine my favorite food...
i love
mashed potatoes,
chocolate covered strawberries,
chicken nuggets,
spaghetti with meat sauce,
well, since the first one to pop up was mashed potatoes, i guess i will go with that...oh man 30 days in a row of eating mashed potatoes..not that they are delicious, i don't think my body could take it, but thanksgiving is in two days, so what a great time to start this little experiment.
that is a lot of potatoes.
will i get sick of them, probably...but i will give this a shot starting on thanksgiving.
i'll keep you posted.


kudos to one tree hill

i have been a committed one tree hill watcher since the second season, going on its seventh season, no episode will beat third season, episode 16...
...aka, the school shooting. yes, i realize that it is just a drama that tries to bring in viewers, but this episode is real, riveting, and heartfelt. the writers also do a good job of bringing the viewers back to reality and letting us remember it is just a tv show, but the dialogue between the students and the shooter in the tutoring center is almost dead on to what goes through the minds of high schoolers.
the episode starts off with jimmy edwards talking about students at his school in a time capsule. he then sees fellow students messing with his locker, when he pulls out his gun and makes a single shot in brooke and peytons direction. the students go from having no worries to complete panic in 1.3 seconds. the school is then put on lock down.
a majority of the episode goes from the tutoring center where jimmy holds 7 hostages, the library were peyton and lucas are, the gym where the students can get picked up by their parents and outside the school where the police are.
out of these four locations, only one location is the breather for the episode reminding us that it is only a night drama on the cw, but the other three help us realize how much hate walks around the halls of our high schools and universities.

Jimmy Edwards: You really think I am the only one. Then ask yourself this. Have you ever treated someone like crap in this school or left anyone out? Have you ever broken up with someone in the time it takes to pass a note and disappear? Or talk trash behind their back? Or maybe you just ignored it all? You know why you worry about the big game or the prom or the bake sale for the pep club. You ask yourself that and then you tell me if there is anyone else out there.

the boy who played jimmy edwards deserves a freaking award, because throughout the entire episode, he isn't mean or cruel, he is sad and angry and more then he hates the other students, he hates himself. his facial expression throughout the episode is fright and sadness.
i wonder with all the school shootings that have happened in our life time, did anyone ever look at the faces of the shooters? i truely believe they aren't bad people, they just don't know what to do...now, it doesn't give them a right to do what they did, but think about what they are feeling.

Keith Scott: I'm not gonna leave you here son. I'm not gonna do that and i'll tell you why. Cause I've been there. I've bought the gun, and i planned on using it ok. I've been there. And I wanna tell you something, It gets better.
Jimmy Edwards: Not this, it can't.
Keith Scott: It does Jimmy. That pain in your stomach, that pain in your heart, it goes away. That voice in your head thats saying there's no way out, it's wrong Jimmy. Would you please, please just believe me. It gets better.
Jimmy Edwards: It won't! Not after this! I cant take this back! I can't erase this!
[starting to cry]
Jimmy Edwards: She's gonna die.
Keith Scott: You don't know that.
Jimmy Edwards: I just... I wanted... I wanted them to leave me alone. I just... I wanted them to like me.
Keith Scott: I understand son. It's what we all want. Thats all any of us want.
Jimmy Edwards: I'm not here... I'm not here.
Keith Scott: Jimmy please... it's gonna be ok son... it's gonna be ok.
Jimmy Edwards: [pounding on his chest] But it hurts! It hurts! It always hurts!
Keith Scott: I know... please... please...
Jimmy Edwards: I'm sorry...
[Points the gun to his chest and shoots himself]
Keith Scott: NOOOOO!

i think that scene explains itself, all anyone wants is to be liked and loved and wanted.
watching this episode was almost convicting for me, because it makes me realize my words and actions have an effect on people. i need to realize there are so many emotions running through peoples hearts that i need to treat them with respect and not judge them.

Abby Brown: What's wrong with you? He's just a kid. We're all just kids and we just have this life and the things you say and do, we feel that. How can you have so much hate in your heart? How can you act like it doesn't matter? It does matter. What happened to us? We're just kids. We can't be like this. It's not possible.

i think about high school and for me high school sucked, i hated going, i didn't care about my class and i put on the persona of, i wanted people to leave me alone, but deep down i wanted acceptance, but not till i got to college did i realize, what happens in high school is extremely important. the experiences we have, the crap all of us have to go through, it sticks with us, but there is a quote in the episode that made me realize it is only a blip of the rest of our lives.

Rachel Gattina: 700 days. High School, out of 20 or 30 thousand, can't you see past that. It's only 700 days

Jimmy follows with this,

Jimmy Edwards: How many of those days do I get back? Do I get back the days I got spit on, or the day I learned to look at the floor when I walk the halls, or how about the day, my dad came to pick me up and saw me getting my ass kicked in the quad and realized his son is a loser. You never look in your fathers eyes when he realizes that. Do I get that day back?...
This is the most any of us have talked in 4 years, if i didn't have this gun, it never would have happened.

which brings me to the quote that mouth said,

Marvin "Mouth" McFadden: It's not suppose to be this way. The artists, and the scientists, and the poets - none of them fit in at 17. We're suppose to get passed it. Adults - they see kids killing kids, and they know it's a tragedy because they used to be those kids - the bullies, and the beaten, and the loners. We're supposed to get passed it. You're supposed to live long enough to take it back. Just take it back.

adults wonder about our generation, the apathy for politics, the bullying, the lack of awareness when it comes to other people. we are selfish and stubborn. when we video tape 7 girls beating the crap out of another girl, or record the shots made at V-Tech, we have cheerleaders in texas who think they rule the school because they think they are better then everyone else. no wonder adults think poorly on our generation. but do you think also, our generation had to grow-up to fast, do you think the our parents generation and their parents generation put to much pressure on us because people expect more out of us? i have no idea.

Peyton Sawyer: We had a snow day. Sixth grade, do you remember? It was like this whole other world just came in overnight and took ours away. Brooke, she came over and we made a snowfort... with a tunnel. And we stayed in there all day. It seemed so safe, like everything was okay. Like everything our world was about to become, maybe we could just stop it and stay little kids for one more day. But then it got cold, kinda like now. They're gonna come now. All of them. The reporters and the psychologists and the analysts. And the so-called experts. And they're gonna try and make sense of this. But they're not gonna be able to. And even if we do make it out of here, we're always gonna carry it with us. Its never gonna be the same.

The media has an effect, our parents have an effect, we are a generation of technology and do our parents realize the effects the media has on us? does the media realize the effects of what they put in their newspapers, their magazines, and their news coverages?

Reporter: Does that warm your heart? You think America would tune in for that every night?
Brooke: Have you seen the ratings for 7th Heaven
Reporter: we're a society obsessed with tragedy Brooke, so, if esaminging tragedy makes me part of the problem, then so be it, but let me ask you something, how much time have you spent with Jimmy Edwards in the last 4 years? So, maybe I'm not the only one who should be ashamed.

don't get me wrong, there is some truth to this conversation, but for brooke, who is only 17 can adults really expect her to realizewhat her actions do? i mean, i guess they can, but they should never tell our generation that we should be ashamed of something that we really don't know anything about. i don't think high school students or even college students wake up in the morning and say, 'well, there is going to be a school shooting today, i should be ashamed of myself.' and that is what adults do to our generation, they expect us to have the same mind set as them, so for the question, did our generation have to grow up faster then others? yes, we did.

Lucas ends with a few lines in the episode that make you sit there at the end of the episode and already we have to soak in what just happened in those last 43 minutes, but then lucas says this,

Lucas Scott: Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred, how did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us that we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war, hoping for their safe return, but knowing that some would be lost along the way. When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows. Swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?

this episode is ridiculous in that it is really real, we grow up in a society that we only think about ourselves and we never truly realize our words have consequences, it never really sinks in until someone brings a gun into a school and that gun is the proof of our actions.

Jimmy Edwards: What are you doing? you said you didn't have a phone, who'd you call? They better not come in here...I should have known it was all about the gun. So, what, do I have to pull the trigger again for you to take me seriously?

so, kudos to one tree hill, for opening the eyes of their viewers to the things that have happened in our generation. and teaching us the only way to fix the hate in our generation is to be kind.

ron prince

okay, this is what i think about ron prince... i feel bad for him.
yeah, he hasn't done a great job with the program synder left behind, but that is just it, anyone who follows bill snyder has a pretty important role to fill. prince had to live up to the expectations people had for snyder and that isn't fair, also, three years is not enough time to build a program. syder won what, 1 game in his first season, and of course progressed through the rest of his time here, but that is just it, so many people compared prince to snyder, we were almost setting him up for failure. so, ron prince isn't a bad coach, there was just a lot riding on him, and he had major shoes to fill, and people were only comparing him to years past. i am not saying he is a fantastic coach, but maybe without all the ridicule and comparisons to snyder, we could have seen what he was really made of. that's all i wanted to say about that.


K-State marching band

this is why i think it is silly for the SGA to stop funding...

1) if they do the phase out, the SGA aren't helping the band find other ways of funding the program..which is the most inconsiderate thing ever.

2) k-state will lose students, because students who are in band in high school and want to do music in college can't come to k-state..i'm not saying the band will not exist, alumni won't allow that, but it would be much harder to gain scholarships for students to come to k-state, and if students can't get scholarships they will choose somewhere else.

3) the SGA chose the band, because it doesn't 'affect' every student, well i pay fees to the football team and the yearbook and i don't go to every game or get a year book at the end of the year, why do i have to pay fees for those, why did SGA pinpoint the band? when it could have been any organization. also, if the SGA wanted to help students with what they pay for, why don't they choose something that does affect every student and think about lowering tuition fees?

4) phasing out the band also shows what the United States education system is doing to the performance art programs and slowly eliminating them; music programs, drama programs and art programs

5)this is also a pride issue...walking on campus and seeing the words, 'no wabash,' if that happens that would be so sad, and make sporting events not has fun and something would just be lost in the atmosphere if the field or court.

6) as students, our fees to the band individually is what, not even 4 dollars, yeah in the grand scheme of things i guess 4 dollars can add up but the average student is in college for 5 years so that is 10 semesters, so that is what, 40 dollars...ok, we can pay larger fees to the football team, but we can't pay throughout our college career 40 dollars that have a major contribution to athletic events among other events the band performs at (parades, community events, concerts, etc.)

7) if the SGA passes that the phase out happens and the athletic department takes over the funding to the band, does the AD really have an obligation to the band...not really, they should, but the AD is trying to build a better football program and find another coach, is the AD really going to make the band a priority, they should, but will they?

this is why i think the SGA phasing out the funds for the band is a bad idea, i truly think the SGA is only thinking about the money and not thinking about every angle and that is the issue. are they really thinking about the future of the KSUMB and KSU as a whole with this 3 year phase out? no.
if i have missed anything or am misinformed let me know, but these are just my opinions.



so today, has been a crappy day for an already not so great week...and it is only wednesday.
my poor roommate got her car vandalized last night, along with like 9 other cars (mine and my roommate lauren's car was spared...?) so that sucked, and the day has just been a drag, class is never fun and it just seemed that today was when everything else this week just became ridiculously overbearing, on top of that i was basically called a failure by my mother.
so, why my post is called change...there has been a lot of change this week, or i have realized a lot of change is going to happen.
yes, i am not a fan of change, but i have gotten so much better, that most change doesn't even bother me anymore, but there are some things that if they change, it is just sad...like thanksgiving and christmas.
a few months ago my mom told me (way before she told bekah or jonathan) that this year for christmas we might pick names...money issues, jonathans married, and appearently it would just make life easier---i disagree.
and because of that disagreement my mother calls me a spoiled brat, bully, childish, and she used the words, "i did not raise you like this, and if i did i did something wrong."
my mom just can't get over the fact that her daughter is an honest, blunt person, who is open to differences, and sticks up for what she believes in. yes, i have my moments of rudness and disrespect, but who doesn't, and who did i learn it from...actually, not my parents, i wish my parents were more honest about how they felt about things, i also wish they were more open about things that are different then what they believe.
so my sister calls me saying she talked to our brother and the first words she says to me are, 'just think about it,' and she goes on saying that her and jonathan would rather pick names this year, because they think it would be easier, among other reasons.
i didn't have to think about it, i think it is a silly idea, and here is why...
-no matter what, feelings are always somehow hurt
-someone got a better gift then someone else
-two people are married, and someone else gets the husband or wife and either 1) gets a gift just for the specific spouse they got(which is how it should be) and the other spouse takes it personally that it isn't for both of them, or 2) the person gets a gift that could be for the couple and not just the individual.
-no matter what, i have been to alot of these gift swaps and there is always someone upset at the end...it never fails. there is always this unspoken compitition of who can give the best gift.
so those are only some of the reasons i do not like gift exchanges. i prefer giving gifts to everyone in the family because i don't get to do it that often, and i am not sounding spoiled when i say, who doesn't like recieveing gifts, but that is only a small part. i enjoy shopping for everyone individually and thinking of something that each person wants or needs.
so i am on the phone with my mom and she is already acussing me of ruining everyones christmas with my attitude of not liking the idea of swapping names.
1st of all, i do not have the power to have that big of an affect, and it is insulting that my mother still views me as the baby who is the most spoiled, which shows she doesn't know me at all.
there are only so many christmas's left in our family that can be like when we were younger. when jonathan and heather start having kids and me and bekah get married, then yes christmas will change then when it was the 5 of us and i get that (mom doesn't get that i get that)
last christmas sucked considering there was a death in the family, and we had to move our traditional christmas eve dinner to christmas day. yeah, i wasn't thrilled, but i knew the circumstances and had to play along.
there is nothing stopping us this year from having a christmas that we are all used to. i know that the votes for swapping names is 2 to 1, i get it, so yeah, i will have to get over it, but my mom doesn't understand that i get the issue, i want her to get the issue.
this happens all the time and me and my mom are never going to agree, so when i argue with my mom i take everything with a grain of salt and don't take it personally, but tonight was way out of line.
no one shoud ever call their child, no matter what age that they are basically a failure and spoiled, when they know that i'm not. i was raised to be independent and can anyone blame me for wanting a christmas that i am used to, and knowing that christmas will soon never be the same...i really do understand, i don't think i can stress that enough. my mom knows that i am a go-with-the-flow type of person, so for her to say those things were out of line and she knows if i stick up for something or am very adement about something, there is truth to what i am saying. she in't even remembering that i was totally up for going to nashville for thanksgiving to be with bekah...if this would have been a few yesrs ago, yeah right i would have fought it right to the airport.
it is so hard to be mature and growup when everyone else still looks at you as the child, and the little sister.
when i was younger i was a brat and disrespectful and just mean, if my parents still think that of me, then what's the point, if my own mother can't see how much i have grown, that's the biggest insult of all.
it isn't even about the holidays anymore.


friend one, friend two

so lately i have been really distracted.
whether it be with roommate tiffs (which are now settled) or thinking about a specific friend...or two, and doubting myself and where i am going to be in the months to come.
i just haven't been able to focus, and i have almost fallen into a state of mind that is all to familiar from years past.
like today...i said maybe 10 sentences the entire day.
i just wasn't in the mood to talk, or see anyone, one friend to be exact.
i do this thing where if i find myself getting to close to someone i start distancing myself, and i have been doing this for like the past week, and it sucks, because what am i afraid of? this person isn't going to hurt me, or leave me, or no longer be my friend, but this friend knows everything about me, and i mean everything.
this particular friend isn't the first this has happened too.
last year i did it to two people who would walk through fire for me...why? i was afraid of them...why? i don't know, maybe because they know me so well, that they can see right through me?
so this friend now...am i afraid of them? i don't think so.
so what could be the problem?

i have this other friend, who i have been distancing myself from for months, but i know why...i am preparing myself for when they are no longer here...this person is sick, and their mind is on a different planet, and deep down, i just really really really miss my friend, i miss their humor, and wittiness, i miss their spunk and love for life, but this disease that has taken over their body has just transformed their brain into a completely different human being.
distancing myself from this person, i am preparing myself for the worst, but that isn't what i should be doing.
does distancing myself mean i am losing hope in the battle of this person and their sickness? yes, it does, and that is the worst thing that i can do as a best friend...i love this person, i adore this person and i am so sad, and at the same time i am so angry at them, does this person realize how they affect the people around them, especially their two best friends...no they don't and that is so aggravating.
i am not being selfish right now, and i am not putting myself before them, but this sickness has been going on for years, and i don't know what to do anymore. this person will always be my best friend, but they don't return my phone calls, or act like they want to talk to me, they have become self-absorbed, their conversations are only on the surface, nothing we say to each other is real.

as for my first friend that i mentioned...i'm not sure where i stand when it comes to me distancing myself from them, but it has been a slow process and i am just now figuring out that, that is what i have been doing for the past few weeks...pushing them away.
through this search i have learned a few things the past few weeks.
-their is a difference between being confrontational and telling someone how you feel.
-God puts people in our lives and not always to be our friend, but to show us a lesson.
-history does repeat itself, because every year around this time, i start feeling this way...lonely, sad, irrelevant to my friends around me, which i know isn't true, i have some of the best friends anyone could ask for, but the feelings are still there.
-sometimes being right about a situation, makes you look like the bad guy
but through these lessons, what have i truely learned? i am still distancing myself from these two people who know me better then anyone else ever.

the first friend at the begining of the post is strong, determined, loving, comforting, encouraging, understanding, shows grace and mercy, and shows their friendship unlike anyone else.
my second friend is beautiful, vibrant, extroverted, and joyful, but is becoming frail, blinded and weak, and is in fact losing the battle.
so, what do i do? a girl who is pushing the two people who love me most. one has done nothing to derserve my coldness, but knows me well enough, that this is what i do.
and the other also does not derserve my coldness either, but is showing their coldness towards me, and is losing faith in themself.