as ninety-nine red balloons go by

"our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
your playing small does not serve the world, there is nothing enlightened about shrinking, so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
we were all meant to shine as children do.
it's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-marianne williamson


what's in a name?

so i kind of have a dilemma.
i want to be a therapist right? right,
well i kind of have this issue with america having to give everything that is foreign (bird flu, swine flu, cutting, etc.) a name.
heeeello. i want to be a therapist, i have to listen to people bitch about their problems and figure out why things are happening to them, or why they act a certain way.
for example; disorders.
add/adhd is ridiculously over diagnosed...i mean come on, do we really expect a four year old to sit still in a chair with only one 15 minute recess break? if you do, then you're an idiot.
but this blog is not about children it is about emerging adults...why is it, every time a college age students or recent graduate that may have an issue or a self-worth questioning event they automatically have a disorder because how they deal with something or how they act may be 'unhealthy?'
yes, there is a counterpart to this argument. if someone drinks excessively after a dramatic event, no that is not healthy.
someone who tries to commit suicide multiple times, no that is not healthy.
but what about someone who is just shy, doesn't like being around large groups, isn't very talkative, etc.
because they are not 'social' enough, they may have antisocial personality disorder.
what the hell does that even mean?
basically the one flaw someone has, take that term and add 'personality disorder' to the end of it.
someone who enjoys having deep friendships, so in turn only has four or five really close friends, and if one of those friendships go slightly sour they have borderline personality disorder.
or someone who loves them self and knows they were blessed with a great body and a friendly, personable attitude may have narcissistic personality disorder.
i mean seriously, this in itself is crazy.
why does everything have to have a name?
maybe the first person is just shy, or the second person just doesn't like large groups, they may just be an introvert, or the third person just has great self-esteem, why are all of these factors to having a personality disorder?
this is what i'm seeing. to not have a personality disorder of any kind this is what a person needs to look like:
-not be completely into themselves, but still know they are worth peoples time.
-be social enough they can make a conversation with anyone.
-every personality has to mesh with every personality.
-there has to be a balance of deep friendships with just regular friends(what is a regular friend?)
-people have to get eight hours of sleep a night.
-eat healthy for every meal.
-be able to stick up for themselves, but know when to submit to authority.
basically this person has to be perfect in every aspect of the word.
that does not exist. people have problems, we all have our little quirks, so someone who likes going to bed at 9pm and skips the party because they know they need the sleep does not mean they are depressed, it does not mean they are anti-social.
it means they know what they need to be productive the next day.
another example: it is not wrong on any level for people to expect to be trusted by their friends.
it is okay to tell a friend something personal and expect something personal back (maybe not at that time, but they should know they can share something personal back).
that is what a friendship is, give and take.
one friend can not take everything and not be able to share anything.
and a friend can not give everything and not receive anything in return, both friends are showing a disservice if they do not trust each other.
friendships have to be equal, and personality disorders are just a way to give a name to something they may not like about themselves.
there is nothing wrong with you. unless your safety is at stake, it is just who you are.


'losing your heart's desire'

don't freak out at the title, it fits on a platonic level.
i have never in my life been in a situation where i have had to question whether my friendships, i mean my true friendships were real.
when i meet someone, i can tell whether i will be good friends with them, or more just acquaintances.
for me, there isn't really an in-between.
when they fall under the acquaintance category, i don't put a whole lot of effort into them....call me a douche, go ahead.
i'll just see them in passing, when we're at a party, or in class. i wouldn't have a deep conversation with them.
i am over this situation that i never thought i would be in, but am sadly finding myself in a world of redundancy.
i can't do it anymore, and isn't it one of those things if we can't see the future of a friendship, what's the point?
i can't just move this to an acquaintance level, it's either 'all or nothing'.
since 'all' isn't working or in a way never going to happen, it has to be 'nothing.'
i fought, i lost, and tragedy prevailed.

“There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it.”-george bernard shaw


'what's passed these hands? all these drugs and one night stands

'you deserve someone who adores you, stop picking girls who worship you because you need a boost in your self-esteem. there's a difference.'


'this is it, this is it'

"wishing well" video
the airborne toxic event


standing on a bus stop
feeling your head pop
out in the night
in the kind of night
where you want to be out
on the street, on the street
crawling up the walls
like a cat in heat

and the air is thin
and it blows through your skin
and you feel like something
is about to begin
but you don't know what
and you don't know when
so you tear at your hair
and you scratch at your skin

you wanna run away, run away
just get on the fucking train and leave today
and it doesn't matter where you spend the night
you just might end up somewhere in a fight, in a fight
or calling your room on a concrete shelf
fighting all alone, with yourself, with yourself
and you just wanna feel like a coin that's been tossed
in a wishing well, a wishing well
a wishing well, a wishing well
well you're tossed in the air
and you fell and you fell
through the dark blue waters
where you cast your spell
like you were just a wish that could turn out well

so you stand on the corner
where the angels sit
and you think to yourself,
"this is it, this is it
this is all that i have
all i can stand
is this air in my lungs
and this coin in my hand"
that you tossed in the air
and i fell, and i fell
all the way to the bottom
of the well, of the well
like those soft little secrets
that you tell, that you tell
to yourself, when you think
no one's listening to, well

and the walls spin
and you're paper-thin
from the haze of the smoke
and the mess calling
the threat of your brow
under unmade sheets
in your ear with the noise
from the darkest streets
we ran far and wide
you screamed, you cried
you thought suicide was an alibi
but you were always a mess
you were always aloof
yeah, it's awful, i guess
but it's the awful truth
it was truth from the first
to the last words that she read

and she emerged from the dark
like a ghost in my head
she said, "i haven't forgot
any words that you said
i just stare at the clocks
and i cry in my sleep
and i tear up your letters
and i burn them in heaps
and i gather the ashes
in that hole in the ground
where we fell"


a summer update

i have been in manhattan for a little over three weeks and i should have listened to my friend cooper when he said not to stay in manhattan over the summer.
these past three weeks have been the worst. I have been all alone, no one to talk to, and i have been bored out of my mind, in the rare occurrence i didn't have loads of reading. 
my history class on domestic violence was amazing and i learned so much. i can pretty much tell you the whole timeline of domestic violence through the centuries...it's pretty awesome stuff once you learn about it.
being in class is the only time i enjoy being in manhattan...even my finance class, this is a bad sign. 
now that my roommate is back from europe, manhattan as gotten a billion times better which comes to show that it doesn't matter where you are, it matters who you're with. 
though i love being here with hannah, i live with her. i get the pleasure of seeing and hanging out with her all the time. 
my friends back home in other words are different. 
i don't get to see my middle schoolers, i don't get to go to matt's house on friday's, i don't get to see my two best friends. 
i have tried being positive about this whole staying in manhattan thing and it is not working, and i am never doing it again. 
i am half way done till i get to leave for chicago, which will have a lot of similarities to manhattan...being by myself, no one to talk to, stuff like that, but chicago will be an adventure because i have never had an internship there before, i'm in manhattan all the time, it isn't that special.
i can suck it up just a little bit longer, and again, hannah is here and that is a tremendous help.
i am glad i stayed here because i wouldn't have been able to take my history class, but some classes can just wait till the actual school year, and that is what i plan on doing for now on, summer school is so not worth the time.



have you ever thought about yourself as a statistic?
i mean, i do all the time.
i view my friends as statistics, my family members as statistics, and even how my family functions.
my mind works through conversations, i pre-plan almost everything i am going to say in the morning or before i go somewhere and what conversations i want to have...that is a huge secret i just let out by the way.
however, my mind also works in a way that after i do something, i wonder what stat. category that would fit under.
i am female
i am of legal age
i am caucasian/white
i am a cutter
i am from an upper-middle class society
i go to school at a collegiate level
i am a christian
my name is emily
i am unemployed
i went to a high school that is apart of one of the top five school districts in the country
i am a family studies and human services major

these are just a few generic examples because i am so many things that make me a statistic, and then i think; is a certain part of me a negative statistic? and the answer is yes.
i view my life through the lens of statistics and where i fit in with the rest of the world.
lets say one person equals one percent and each category a person fits into is like .01 percent, or something like that, that's another thing, i'm terrible at math (another stat. category).

but i digress...

so what i put above lets say equals .11 percent.
among that .11 percent, .07 percent of that list equals a negative statistic.
what i mean by negative is this; do any of those carry a stereotype? do any of the above categories listed bring me scrutiny, or do i do something that others may not find socially appropriate? .07 percent of them do.
this is the problem with statistics, there are so many variables involved that most of the above catagories do not even look negative, but because everything is pretty much socially constructed, for example; i get the stereotype of being a snob just because of where i grew up. but anyway...
like i said, i view myself as a statistic all the time and what parts of my life can show up on a graph in a classroom teaching students about the world around them.
from thinking this, i realized i am a negative statistic.
not my family, not my friends, but me as an individual am a negative statistic.


'when i emphasize with volume, it's in capitols'

i *love this guy!
*since i don't do capitols, think of the word 'love' as a capitol!

groom cake fail!