this is me.

i went to a postsecret event tonight and it was amazing.
postsecret helps me see my future everyday by the words written from people all over the world.

i have three secrets...
here's only one...

'i'm a size 12, i love my body, and all the scars i put there.'

god loves me.

-if you don't know what postsecret is scroll down to 'my pals' and you'll see the link.


reality check

i have trouble expressing myself and putting words on to explain certain events happening in my life.
lately i have had to really evaluate some friendships of mine, and i have put words to them, however they are not my own.
pulling words from quotes or lyrics may not be creative, but it gets the point across.

for one friendship i have finally accepted and fully understand this;
'i am not running away from the problem, i am walking away from something that is broken.'-oth

the other friendship i have had since i was five. i have put this friendship on a pedestal and sadly came to the realization we will never be 'good' friends, and now that i think about it, i don't think we ever were.
'i close my eyes, and no one's here, i say I'm fine it's what you want to hear...i'm invisible.'

and from these quotes i can finally bring my own thoughts to the equation...

i guess we all have to grow up sometime and realize the best of friendships always end up shattering.

'i guess i know better now'

it might be said losing ones first love is the worst feeling ever.
it might be said losing a loved one to death brings on the worst feeling possible.
it might even be said losing our heart's desire may be the worst feeling to ever enter our souls.
all legitimate. of course...
the worst feeling clearly is knowing when one is forgotten.


'and i can see that it's a lie.'

i try not to notice
even while staring it right in the face
watching something die
doesn't make me appreciate life any greater
it's right in front me
i don't feel bad
i don't feel angry
i don't feel guilty
i'm scared

while having no one to tell this to.


potential endings.

'why do you two keep investing in each other?'

i don't know. i don't need them anymore. and sometimes i think i invest way more then they do, but just because i don't need them doesn't mean i should stop being their friend.

'maybe they need you, they just don't know it, or want to admit it. i don't know, maybe it's your turn.'

only if that were true.


part 1: understanding

if my brain had a meter for my most said word, know what it would be?
a close second would be the word 'like'
here's why, the past year of my life most of my conversations have been talking about the meaning of this word and how it fits in with the friendships and relationships around me.
and i came to realize that giving what my friends need, but not having those needs reciprocated back, the friendship/relationship is not going to work.
pretty simple right?
not really.
it is actually quite difficult.
here are a few examples separated in three posts (it isn't as complicated this way) each example grows off of the previous example.

example one:
friend y believes their friendship with friend z will be easy, and the one that can be completely honest and open. friend y needs the feeling of knowing they are needed by their friends. friend z does not enjoy the feeling of being needed. because of this, neither friend y or friend z are getting what they need.
why? friend z might not go to friend y when life is rough and friend z may have more boundaries with friend y that friend y may not be aware of, which means friend y thought the friendship was much greater then friend z.

basically, from this example these two friends have completely different views on the friendship.

lesson learned: friendships are not effortless, they take work, the friends also have to be on the same page.

part 2: others needs

example two:
friend c has issues...how do they deal with it? processing the situations by themself and figuring it out on their own.
friend d has issues...how do they deal with it? verbally.
how these two friends collide? friend d may go to friend c with their issues and have to talk about struggles in their life and friend c may be more then happy to be there for them...but! friend c does not process verbally so they may not talk to friend d about their life, who needs a give and take friendship.
friend c is giving, but not allowing friend d to give back, which means friend d does not feel as needed as friend c. but! on the other hand, friend c starts to get frustrated with friend d because friend d maybe taking up a lot of friend c's time.
friend c is not getting what they need from the friendship because friend d is not giving what friend c needs by letting them have time to them self to figure their life out. so, friend c starts resenting friend d because all their attention is going to friend d's issues and not their own.

basically, friend c and friend d are thinking about their own needs and not the others. they both have problems but have not figured out a good balance, or set boundaries to where they both win...friend d can verbalize their life, while friend c may understand friend d needs something back from friend c, but just doesn't process that way. but friend c needs to learn patience with friend d.
friend d needs to realize just because friend c doesn't share their life all the time doesn't mean they don't like friend d any less. (if friend c doesn't share their life because of trust issues, then there again is a need that isn't being met)

lesson learned: friendships have to be as selfless as possible, but two friends should be able to tell the other what they need from the friendship. there needs to be a balance of putting the other person first, but making sure the intimacy isn't tampered with because someone isn't getting what they need.