mcnuggets, kung-fu, and chopsticks

not the coolest commerical ever, but i love it, i think it is great!



okay, so remember that post i wrote about the things i have been appreciating lately...one of those things got totally shot down tonight, and i could not be more annoyed.
i did a favor for someone this weekend, and yes i was more then happy to do it, don't get me wrong.
this favor took basically my whole weekend, i didn't sleep, i was in a place i am still not comfortable with, and the person came home and didn't say a word to me.
not a thank you, a hello, a comment, nothing...what the heck, could they have been more rude.
me and this person have a rocky relationship already, but it was getting better, now we are back to square one, and, i'm sorry, does this person realize how rude they are and how self-centered they are?
i am not being mean, i can give plenty of examples of there rudeness and self-centered-ness, but it just really hurt my feelings...which do not get hurt that often, i usually don't take this person seriously (if that is mean, sorry..if you only knew), and this whole thing is just getting ridiculous, and i am over it, and i am no longer going to let their lack of other peoples feelings slide...i'm done.


thriving ivory

thriving ivory
angels on the moon

Do you dream , that the world will know your name?
So tell me your name.
(Tell me your name.)
Do you care, about all the little things or anything at all?
(Anything at all.)
I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside I wanna feel.
(I wanna feel.)
I wanna sunburn, just to know that I'm alive...
To know I'm alive.
(To know I'm alive.)

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know.
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go.
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon.
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon.

Do you believe, in the day that you were born?
Tell me do you believe.
(Do you believe.)
Do you know, that every day's the first of the rest of your life.

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know.
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go.
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon.
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon.

This is to one last day in the shadows.
And to know a brother's love.
This is to New York City angels.
And the rivers of our blood.
This is to all of us, to all of us.

So don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know.
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go.
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon.
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon.

Yeah, you can tell me all your thoughts, about the stars that fill polluted skies.
And show me where you run to, when there's no one left to take your side.
But don't tell me where the road ends, cause I just don't wanna know, No I don't wanna know.

Don't tell me if I'm dying.
Don't tell me if I'm dying.

-a song hasn't made me think this much in awhile, this song is great!

prince caspian just got personal

i finally got a real glimpse into parenthood.
yeah, i've babysat and had that fake baby in FAQS class, but i got my first real glimpse to what it is like to be a parent during the holidays.
having to find that one gift for your child, because if you can't find it and it isn't under the tree on christmas the spirit of christmas is for ever lost in that childs eyes.
well, i am not a parent and no i do not have a child, but every christmas my mother buys a family movie for, well, the family, and this year it was, 'cronicles of narnia: prince caspian.'
i decided to open the movie early this year because i really wanted to watch it, but while i was watching it, i had a feeling something was wrong.
i hadn't seen the movie since this summer when i saw it in theaters, so my mind was a little rusty when i started to watch.
i realized the scenes were backwards.
now, i could be wrong, and i am just not remembering correctly, but i am 98% positive, there was something wrong with the disc.
i take the dvd back to target for an exchange and all they have are blue-ray caspians...two to be exact, and i'm like, 'okay, no big deal i wil just go to another one.'
i go to the targt on stateline and they have zero dvds, but they have blue-ray...two to be exact, so the emloyee gave me the number for the ward parkway target, and the lady said they are out of prince caspian dvds, but have a couple of blue-rays.
doesn't 'a couple' mean two?
three targets down, and zero dvds for prince caspian, it has now gotten personal.
i will find you prince caspian, mark my words.


revelation #1

so i was watching home alone and a thought occurred...which was interesting, because i have seen this movie a billion and one times, and i just thought of this.
in the scene in the end, when kevin wakes up to go see if his family came back, he walks into the living room asking for his mom.
he looks in the living room and nothing has changed from the night before.
the night before he decorated the living room with the tree, and the stockings, and before he went to bed, he put cookies, and milk out for santa, and carrot sticks, which i'm guessing are for the reindeer,
nothing had changed, everything was still where it was when kevin put it there the night before.
so, my revelation...what if a little kid is watching this movie, believes in santa claus and notices that nothing had changed. what if they ask the questions, why aren't there presents under the tree? or why is the milk still there? didn't santa come to his house?
now, i know most children are not as observant as me, when i watch movies, i almost turn into an editor to find all the problems...it is a little secret of mine, i think it is fun, but anyway...
seriously...i hope children's hopes and dreams aren't shattered to soon about santa because of that one little scene.
how about this...after watching home alone, what miracle on 34th street


irrational fears cont.

yes sam, and yes john, i stole this from you...i have to give credit where credit is due.

1) i cannot sleep on my stomach, if i sleep on my stomach, i am afraid my spine will snap.
no, i don't think my back will hurt, or my spine will fracture, i believe my spine will literally snap in half. where did this fear branch from; health class.
a chiropractor came to class and said that sleeping on our stomachs is bad for our backs, and somewhere in that message the word 'snap,' was forever burned into my brain.

2) i cannot use heating blankets, two of my friends use them, and it doesn't make sense to me. one of my regular fears is fire, or things that are hot; ovens, stoves, candles, etc. i am afraid if i use a heating blanket, i will catch on fire, point blank, that's it.

those i think are my only two irrational fears. these fears are ridiculous, but i can't, i can't do either of these things.

work ethic and its results

well, it is 2 in the morning, which means i am not getting to bed at a decent hour.
however, i was studying and talking to one of my besties...alicia, who i adore.
even if i went to bed, the events of today would probably keep me up for hours.
nothing of true excitement happened, but today was the first time that i could see the future i want slipping away, like the work i have accomplished never existed.
i took a final that sucked because right when i started taking the test, my allergies decided to kick in and take over my entire face.
i was that girl in the room sniffling when everyone else was trying to take their test...i hate that girl.
not only did that test completely suck, it was at 8 in the morning. i come home and slept most of the day, and didn't do much...my face hurt, so yeah i was unproductive.
i went to my weekly dinner with my pal hannah baker, and we decided to go to target...i am one more person down to being done with christmas shopping, so that was a very good feeling.
after target is when my day took a complete 180.
my day was just a regular day. i had to go to my friend donnie's house to give a movie back to his roommate alex that i had borrowed but sadly never watched.
we started talking about our finals and i asked him to figure something out for me.
i guesstimated most of my grades and asked him to figure out what my GPA would be at the end of the semester.
side note...i am on academic probation, if i do not get a 2.0 at the end of this semester i am diabolically screwed.
alex doing this math problem opened up a huge can of worms that i try not to talk about.
alex who was sweet enough to do this for me said the number '1.8,' and tears welled up in my eyes...poor alex just sitting there not knowing what to do because this annoying little girl is sitting there with her hands covering her face and tears running down her cheeks.
the can this little math problem opened was the fact that i have a learning disability.
i don't talk about it. i am not ashamed or embarrassed, i just don't want it to look like i am using it as an excuse.
my mom, professors, and advisers always tell me, you aren't using your LD as an excuse, we need to know about it to help you succeed.
well if they need to know about it to help me succeed then why the hell am i on academic probation. oh wait, i know the answer...i have been on the brink of failing out of school since the 8th grade.
this whole LD thing came up today because a friend of mine said to me, that i just need to work harder...granted he did not know about my LD, but still it was a little harsh, but i can't and won't hold it against him.
this friend is one of the hardest working people i know.
i work extremely hard, my teachers in high school and even middle school for that matter, didn't expect me to graduate from high school, if that isn't hard work, i don't know what is.
my LD consists of problems with math, science and comprehension.
this semester i took finance (comprehension, math) economics (comprehension, math) drugs and behavior (comprehension, science) philosophy and human development (both comprehension).
the one thing college students need to succeed in college is great comprehension skills.
i struggle like no body's business when it comes to comprehension.
i will take a test and 9 out of 10 times i will not understand the question the first time i read it, that is why i get twice as much time on tests then the average college student.
my brain can only take in so much at one time...which doesn't sound like an LD, i know, but my brain works at a slow enough rate, that i am considered to have an LD.
here is an example, a student only needs 4 hours to study and they know they will know the material when they are done in those 4 hours.
i on the other hand will take about 8 hours and may or may not know the material full well at the end of those 8 hours.
why this became an issue today?
all this hard work i have accumulated through out the years can be taken away in a matter of weeks, by one or two points, that is my GPA.
in a matter of weeks, i could no longer be a college student. and that is not okay.
so, what did i do?
well, i went to prayer...which is not usually the thing i do first.
i know this is where i am meant to be, i need to stay in school to get my degree to then be able to fulfill my purpose and help middle schoolers with whatever crap is happening in their lives.
i called my friend sam who told me to email the professors whose classes i have bad grades in to see if there was anything i can do to bump my grade up...this was the second time i had done this, this semester.
the friend who said i just need to work harder...maybe he's right, but i know i work hard, it just doesn't show results, because where my friends results are A's, mine are C's and/or D's
maybe i am not pushing myself?
i am so tired of having to work so hard to even get a C in a class, it is so frustrating.
i don't think i will ever catch a break with school, i haven't since the 8th grade, so i should be used to it.
now, that i have talked this out i haven't even considered that i am probably getting ahead of myself, there is a good chance i will have a 2.0 at the end of this semester, or even higher...i mean come on, last year i brought my GPA up from a 1.1 (different story for a different time) to a 2.4.
i have worked extremely hard this semester because of my probation, if it is taken away from me, i really have no idea what will happen, and again, that is not okay.


insomnia blows

so lately i have been a blogging machine.
maybe it will be one of those things where i blog all the time because it is something new, and after awhile i just won't think about it.
or...it is because the whole concept of blogging is just really interesting.
through my 20 blogs thus far, i have been able to see how clumsy i really am, reconnect with an old friend, and learn even more about the friends around me.
i do not know the point to this particular post, but it is 1 in the morning and i have to get up at 7 for a final and i am starting to get really frustrated with this lack of sleep...this is where the blogging comes in.
i have been an insomniac for years, i can go to my room at 10 and not fall asleep till 2 or 3...so infuriating.
i have so many thoughts running through my head, i rewind on my whole day, day before that and sometimes the day before that.
i think of situations that happened and then i think of every way that situation could have ended up if i did something different and then i get mad at myself for not doing that different thing...does that make sense?
so i have realized, if i blog, maybe i will be able to go to sleep faster., by getting my thoughts out...but that means i cannot blog at 1 in the morning...it defeats the purpose.
i am not saying i am going to unravel my day every night, that is silly and i am not that important that people would not want to know about my day...i am not that interesting.
the point of this blog is for me to be silly, but more importantly to talk out my clumsiness (hence the title), and not being able to sleep in a way is clumsy because the reason i can't sleep is because i fret about what has already happened and cannot be changed.
so lets give this a try and then maybe after years of not sleeping, i can finally fall a sleep at a decent hour.


f for lack of effort

the 30 day trial i was going to try and do, did not happen.
first of all, i don't think i can do that to my body.
secondly, i don't have time to make mashed potatoes every three days or how ever often i needed to make them to keep up for 30 days.
thirdly, i wanted to try this during the holidays and finals, i was just setting myself up for failure.
so, as of right now, i have an f in this project.
i will do it, but i do not think mashed potatoes should be my food of choice.
but again, i will keep you posted on the progressions of this expierement, that has yet to be started.



sidekicks rock

i have really started to appreciate sidekicks in movies...they are just amazing, they bring fun and laughter, they bring deep emotion and anger, they are the emotion of a film!
here are my top five fav. sidekicks

tinkerbell...she makes people fly, she takes care of peter, she is the ultimate sidekick, she is dear and true to her 'master' and she would even drink the dreadful medicine so peter won't die, all you have to do to bring her back is clap and chant, "i do believe in fairies, i do, i do!"

cogsworth and lumerie from beauty and the beast...enough said they are a package deal and bring true love to the beast, how amazing is that.

mark from empire records...mark is the all time sidekick, not only does he save the store, he thinks he gets eaten by a big monster because he is completely stoned, and he makes out with paintings on walls.

ron weasley....could not be a more perfect fit for the duo of harry and ron, you might be thinking, why didn't i choose harmonie, she is a good sidekick, but she will never beat ron. yes he has his quirks, but who doesn't love a red headed wizard who helps save the day.

cameron from ferris beullers day off...the movie is about him and giving him the best day ever, that is what makes him a great sidekick...the movie may be named after ferris, but it is really about cameron

disney brings the best sidekicks, but their are so many sidekicks in the world of cinema, that they sometimes get overlooked.

so three cheers to all you sidekicks out there!

talk about uncanny

this is my relationship with prayer...
even the 'losing her' reference has to do with my life...go to blog, 'friend one, friend two'

the fray, you found me

I found God on the corner of First in Amistad
where the west was all but one.
All alone, smoking his last cigarette,
I said "where you been?"
He said, "ask anything."
Where were you when everything was falling apart?
All my days, spent by the telephone. that never rang.
All i needed was a call that never came.
The corner of First and Amistad...
Lost and insecure, You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded.
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you? just a little late...
You found me, you found me
In the end, everyone ends up alone.
Losing her, the only one who's ever known who i am, who im not, and who i wanna be.
no way to know how long she will be next to me...
Lost and insecure, You found me, you found me.
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded.
why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, You found me, you found me.
Early morning, city breaks. I've been calling for years and years and years and years.
and you never left me no messages; never sent me no letters; you've got some kind of nerve taking all of our world.
Lost and insecure, You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, Where were you? Where were you?
Lost and insecure, You found me, you found me.
lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded.
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
Why'd you have to wait, To find me? To find me?

the ups and downs of 2008

it is the night before finals, and i should be studying, but i'm not, instead i am going to reminise about the past year of 2008
i was officially on academic probabtion...awesome(written with sarcasm).
i saw my sister 4 times has much as i usually do, considering she lives in nashville.
i am no longer a teenager, considering i turned 20.
i moved from a house to an apartment.
i broke my finger, first bone i have ever broken and steve was the one who did it.
i got over my addiction to cutting.
my relationship with God hasn't gotten better...not that it isn't bad, it just hasn't progressed.
i made lifelong friends, and got closer to the amazing friends i already had.
hannah blick
hannah baker
-just to name a few
i lost probably the most important document on my computer...i am still not over it.
my senior pastor at covenant chapel left, and that was heartbreaking, but i know it was for the best.
found a church in manhattan that i love, the well.
became more comfortable in my own skin.
was with my grandmother when she found out she was getting a transplant...kind of a weird feeling.
didn't get to see some amazing movies.
before the devil knows you're dead
the savages
no country for old men
how to lose friends and alienate people
there will be blood
-just to name a few
am still in the process of learning how to manage money.
was in my first wedding as a bridesmaid.
was judged in a way no one should ever be judged.
went to three amazing concerts in one summer...will probably never happen again.
the Kooks, Rogue Wave, Death Cab for Cutie
Sigur ros
my dog died.
started this blog.
got my second tatoo.
1 john 4:18-19
got to do what i love and lead amazing middle schoolers over the summer and whenever i go home.
became way more outgoing.
gave a boy my number.
i still struggle with not feeling important around my friends, or feeling like a burden.

i think those are just the biggies, some more than others, but if i think of anymore i will add them. However, even though all this stuff happened, i haven't changed that much, yeah i became more confident, but the same things happen around the same time of year, life is just one thing after another and then repeat...life is like a shampoo bottle.

what will 2009 bring?



azure ray

today i'll crawl out of bed
i can't stand your shadow is to heavy to lift
maybe we'll go for a ride
you said you'd take me nowhere
i said that suits me just fine
i know you've always been near
whispering secrets i know i'm not supposed to hear
hold your heart with two hands
give it to me only to disappear
and look how low i've sunk don't ask me to rise i'll lose you when i'm high
hey, look how low i've sunk don't ask me to rise i'll only lose you when i'm high...all alone in the dark love survives only when we are apart your voice still stands in my ears soft explosions blossom with the beat of my heart and look how low i've sunk don't ask me to rise i'll lose you when i'm high
hey, look how low i've sunk don't ask me to rise i'll only lose you when i'm high.....high.....
hey look how low i've sunk don't ask me to rise i lost you when i was high...
and look

-these lyrics are just awesome!

friend zone

wanna know what i think is like the most bogus thing ever.
the friend zone
i mean, really, it is the dumbest thing ever.
some people say they would never date someone because they are to far into the friend zone.
what does that even mean, if we said that about all our friends, then we wouldn't date anyone. i would rather date a good friend of mine, then date someone i wasn't super close with.
ugh, i hate the friend zone, i personally don't think it exisits, if you want to date someone, and are afraid something will happen that you would no longer be friends, then you weren't that good of friends in the first place and why are you even thinking of what could happen if you haven't even started dating yet...jeez
friend zone is idiotic and holds people back from letting people know how they feel.
that's all