the battle i don't want to fight.

where am i?

caught in the middle.

last week i was sitting on my bus on my way to work after getting a smoothie with my quick friend damian who was on his way out of chicago and on his way to the east coast and i was thinking...

~this is my brain~
damian= 12 months of traveling the world, on his way to the east coast for the last 30 days of his trip.

me= on my way to an internship.

and then it hit me!

my internship is realism right?
and my hostel is idealism...people traveling the world learning about culture, themselves and how the american dollar works is what my hostel is filled with, and i am the person going back and forth from the world i love to the world i hate.
i go to work and do a small part of what i want to do with my life but i hate the redundancy of it all.
i go to the hostel and meet new people every three days who have stories that would blow your mind. i make connections and have learned if i ever want to communicate with them ever again to get both their first name and last name.
one person i kinda broke the cardinal rule of hostels with, i will fret about for months.

i really don't want to go back to school not because i don't like school, i love my classes, there are just some people i don't really want to go back to.
i know i'm only here for four weeks, but i've actually grown a lot or in a way backtracked in this short time and going 'home' is going to be an interesting transition because people know me as this one type of emily and i've realized the people who 'know me better than i know myself,' actually only know what i show them, so it will be hard going back and figuring out who my real friends are.
when i go back i will not be the same person. there is such a persona of me that how i will act will throw people off and i've been thinking about it a lot and i am an outsider in manhattan and the friends i think i had aren't really my friends.
i'm still contemplating this epiphany, so just give me some time to figure it out and think it through. I guess i am just tired of starting over in places i have already been in for years at a time.
when i am here at my hostel, i am this completely different person that people actually enjoy having around. i am not an annoyance, a burden, the person who never goes away, etc.
they don't know anything about me and i can be real with them if i choose, and if they do find stuff out about me, they don't care, they don't judge, they love me anyway.
i can just be me and i haven't been able to just be me in a really longtime, i have forgotten who that is.
i am so afraid of how people will react...people being; who know my life story.
i am the person at the hostel that will be there at the end of the day to hear about their adventures. i am the american doing something completely 'unconventional' to what everyone else here is doing and it fascinates them.
when i go 'home', i will no longer be playing this role.
so, when i go 'home', it will be realism all the time, i won't be able to escape to the idealistic world i prefer.
i'm still jaded emily, but i can't keep doing what i'm doing at school.
i don't know what that is necessarily, but i don't like it and i don't really enjoy the people i have surrounded myself with. when i am with them there are doubts and esteem issues and thoughts i shouldn't be having.
i like who i am here and i plan on staying that way when i go back to school, because as far as i'm concerned, that is all kansas is to me...where i go to school. it is not my home.


a familiar state of mind

one of my favorite things to do is make playlists on my itunes and i wanted to make a playlist for my trip but then i thought...! op, light bulb!!
'no, i'll see what i listen to the most and then make my playlist.'
well! this was a fantastic idea, and i am quite proud of myself.
lets start out with how i discovered this playlist.
it branched from my 'ladies' playlist.
you know...regina, ingrid, bonnie, alannis, imogen heap, donna lewis, jewel, eva cassidy!
well, ingrid and bonnie are the stars of this because pretty much the entire album of *bonnie mckee and *ingrid michaelson made the cut.
then i was getting a little tired of hearing girls whine about their lives or 'stick up for our gender through song' antics, so i switched to the my 'boys' playlist.
~i know i am very clever when it comes to naming my itunes.~
anyway. *fall out boy is pretty popular with me these days, as is *the fray and *the airborne toxic event.

others on the list are; lighting crashes by live, songs from pete yorn, o.a.r, aimee mann, and amy studt, but the ones where you can click to hear a song are the ones played most often...really. my itunes says so.

it is rare to find myself in chicago without my headphones in, my ipod in a way is my escape from the unfamiliar. it is my sanity.

*in order of listings, here are the specific songs, if you would like to listen to them
hum hallelujah
she is
sometime around midnight


in the beginning...

now that i have had my first oh so small emotional breakdown i think it is time to update my readers on my whereabouts.
i have been in chicago since saturday and dear lord, a lot can happen in four days, but i think i can get through it in four weeks.
i honestly think my parents are placing bets on how long i will last at my hostel.
i didn't get to my hostel till sunday and my hostel rocks, i have met so many people from all over the world in just two days.
it's insane, and my hostel is probably where i am learning the most about life and how the world works around me.
however, the sad thing is people in hostels only stay for a couple days so it is one of those things where i am staying in one spot while everyone else is moving on with their lives, it's a weird feeling.
i mean that's the point of a hostel, to only stay for a short time.
this is my issue or issues if you will.
i was told before i got here three things.
1) protect your stuff no matter how protective you may seem...this is a lie.
2) don't take a cab...funniest experience of my trip so far.
3) take lots of pictures...i will without a doubt fail at this task.

lets start with 1 shall we.
my hostel rules and the staff goes to major lengths to protect us and our belongings. our doors lock from the outside and yes, i have locks on my bags, but my bags do not need to leave the room. we could pay a buck a bag to keep them in a closet but that is completely unnecessary. everyone else is doing what i'm doing, making sure their stuff stays in their own bags, they aren't going to take my stuff, also the people who stay in the hostel during the week are here for a reason not just to site see and be all touristy.
so, during the weekend it may be different, we'll see how it goes, but for now the last thing i am worrying about is my stuff...it's a nice feeling.
moving on to 2.
monday night i met my friend chris at the train station to go grab something to eat...we went to the original uno's... fyi.
well, we got back to the train station really late, like 11:30 and i did not have a bus to get back to my hostel and i didn't panic at all because it was not a big deal, but i was hesitant to take a cab because people tell me all those psycho stories about single women in a cab late at night...
well, let me tell you, this guy was hilarious!
rule number one: don't piss off an arabian.
there was this cyclist who was not getting out of this guys way and was being a complete asshole to my driver and the driver got really close to the cyclist tire to spook him, i seriously thought he was going to kill him.
then the driver almost got pulled over by a cop...it was not his fault, just trust me on this.
well, cops in chicago are mean and out to screw you over, so i was glad the cops understood the situation. so i got home and that was my first cab ride ever and it was an eventful one fo sho.
while i will fail.
1) i don't want to look touristy, i am here by myself and i need to look like i know what i'm doing. i have taken a few photo's but nothing to great. remember i am still here for three 1/2 weeks, i have time.
2) i don't think about it. i want to live this, not live it through a lens.

the reason for the itty bitty melt down today.
i haven't quite figured out the bus system yet.
and this was my first real hiccup of the trip.

my bus had its last stop about 6 miles away from my hostel and i was really confused because it was only 6:00 so i had to get off and i panicked just a little because i didn't think i had another bus to get on, so i called my supervisor knowing she's in a meeting...that i couldn't sit it on (another blog, for another time) and i felt a little stranded, so when i am explaining this to my mom at a starbucks (home away from home) i see bus 8 (my bus) stop right in front of me, and then i got even more confused because i thought the holstead(street name) bus was done for the night...it wasn't.

so, i let two other holstead 8 buses pass by before i finally got on one and then i made it back to the hostel. it doesn't sound like a melt down issue, but it triggered something, i think it is because i have only been here for four days and i haven't gotten over that period of being away from people. give me till friday, it will come.

all i know is, being on facebook really sucks, i am not enjoying checking it.

still to come!

--my job and what it entails.

--the soundtrack to my life that is keeping me sane while here.

--getting honked at twice! (this will be super short, because it's so silly)


an ah-ha moment

so, i've been looking at grad schools right?
and i have found some pretty awesome ones that i am really pumped to apply to, but all of the applicants are required to do a personal essay and an interview.
now, everyone knows these two things involve one particular question; what are your weaknesses?
okay, so here's the *deali(e)(y)o, i'm not arrogant or anything, but i have a hard time thinking of my weaknesses because i don't think anyone really has weaknesses, it is just who they are, and i can't remember the last time i had to answer that question.
i usually put my introvertness but, i really like my introvertness so i don't use it anymore.
but! i thought of one that had never crossed my mind before until the other day and i am actually really glad i did.
i am way too futuristic.
i kinda suck at living in the moment and taking one day at a time.
i think of things like; oh where will i be five years down the road? how many more semesters do i have to graduate? when do i need to apply for grad school? when do i get to start looking for single apartments? where do i hope to be when i'm 30? etc.
i'm not like the responsible futuristic; 'oh, i want to go on a trip next summer so i should start saving money now.'
i'm more of the, 'i cannot wait to be on my own and have my own place and to have the job i love.'
i am just so excited about my life after college i am forgetting that college is the thing getting me to where i want to be. what's the rush?
i was like this senior year.
i was so pumped for college that i didn't think twice about how important senior year is. it's a huge milestone and i just. blinked and it was gone.
i understand college is just a small blip in the rest of our lives but we should really soak our experiences in and not be afraid to fail and make mistakes and to be embarrassed and to take a leap of faith once in awhile.
also, when we graduate our free time and times of going to friends houses at 1 in the morning are just out the window.
i need to learn to take everyday as it's own.
and be even more free spirited then i already am but with my life now, not my life five years from now.
so, when i get that question in my interviews and have to write that essay my answer will be, 'i am to futuristic.'
-see, i am already thinking into the future.
this is what i need to work on.

* i don't know how to spell that word because, well, it isn't a real word.
i almost wanted to put deal-e-o, but that seemed even sillier then what i actually put.


where did i go wrong, i lost a friend ...

"do you think the main reason people don't mesh with each other is because they don't have unconditional love for one another?"

"wow. heavy.


but i think sometimes unconditional love doesn't mean we mesh?

i dunno.

two people could have unconditional love for each other, [and] both be super awkward and be interested in completely different things?

but maybe the main reason would be a lack of love"

- c

i like what c said about two people not meshing and having unconditional love.

because there is someone i would walk through fire for and we are 100% different, everything about us is opposite.


for example; two friends...

one of them knows they have unconditional love for the other person.

they aren't going anywhere.

but they don't mesh, why is that?

they have finally figured each other out to the best of their ability but maybe they realized they didn't like what they found.

or aren't trying hard enough.

they both have needs the other person can't meet is what it looks like.

but that can't be true.

i think it is because neither of them will allow the other person to be there for them.

not that they don't want to be there.

they're not letting each other in.

maybe c is right.

it isn't about unconditional love at all.

these two just went from loving the friendship to just being frustrated because they haven't found the missing puzzle piece to fully figuring each other out.

...somewhere along in the bitterness, and i would have stayed up with you all night, had i known how to save a life.


heart knows me better then i know i myself

some top quotes for the day!

'it's also in babies, puppies, and pizza."
-wizards of waverly place
-what's the 'it's?' the magical element that makes people fall in love with them.

let me set the scene;
two little kids are getting married and the little boy who is officiating the wedding asks,
'did you get a ring?'
the groom looks in his cracker jacks box and says this,
'no, i got something better. a stick on tattoo of scooby doo.'
-full house

so, i'm at the dr's office for a TB test for my internship and i can hear the lady in the next room playing with her kids and this is what she said,
'if you are willing to tell someone they have lipstick on their teeth you should be willing to tell them about a vaccine that could save their life.'
'why would i do that?'
-this kid had to be around 5 years old i'm guessing
'because they could have cancer and you would want to help them?'
'what's cancer?'
-then my dr. came in.


'it takes courage to live the life you want'

a few days ago i was told i was to idealistic.
telling a 21 year old they are to idealistic is equivalent to telling a man he isn't masculine enough.
21 year olds need to have hopes and dreams and believe they can change the world.
we shouldn't believe we have to do something because we know we will make a good paycheck, or believe we aren't good enough for what we really want to do with our lives.
people should not tell us that in ten years we are going to be doing what everyone else is doing, use your imagination for that one.
no one wants their life to be boring, redundant, and lifeless.
they want their life to have passion, love, excitement and feel they are living for something better.
so, if having those views make me idealistic...then so be it.
i understand the world revolves around money...sad, but true.
i understand we need money to pay bills, get through school, eat, etc. but if we are making money from something we don't enjoy, what's the purpose? the money is worth nothing then.
it is honorable for husbands and wives to take care of their families and help their children in anyway they can, but in most cases can they say they're happy when they work just to pay the energy bill that month?
where did their lives go?
one of my professors told me this summer that in ten years if i am married, have kids, and live in a house with a white picket fence to call him because i have just accomplished the american dream.
i hope i never have to call him, because that is not what i want.
married; maybe, it will probably happen.
kids; depends if i get married...i'm more into foster care.
house with a white picket fence; no thanks.
again, if wanting to have a great career where i help 13 year olds talk through their issues, and i live in a crazy loft in the city and ride the subway to work and i open my place up to foster kids who believe no one else loves them. that's my american dream.
actually, now that i think about it, it is sort of ridiculous that the american dream is one thing right? because to live in america is to be happy and to live a life of purpose.
well, no one has the same purpose and one thing doesn't make everyone happy.
so, shouldn't we redefine the american dream?

i digress...

i was told i was to idealistic, that my dreams will probably shatter.
i was told by my mother...out of all people, 'not everyone can be special,' well...that may be true for her, and that sucks because i know plenty of people who would say my mother is special, but...
i know what i want to do with my life, and where i want to be, and what i want to accomplish, if my parents think that is to idealistic then they aren't very good parents, and they don't see the passion in their daughter.

i don't know, maybe i will have that picket fence in 10 years, if i do, then that means i am happy because i am not going to live a life where i am not.
hardships happen, stress happens, sadness happens, tragedy happens.
but, i will not place myself in a hard, sad, stressful, tragic story.