"what is cutting?"

"you mean, what is self-injury?"

"why are you asking that, that sounds like something crazy."

"do you know anyone who struggles with it?"

"yeah, i do. a few people actually."

"i mean what is self-injury, someone in their right mind wouldn't do something to hurt them self, right?"

"um,  it's just like you said. it is when someone purposely hurts them self."

"sounds like a way for a stupid little kid to get attention because they're spoiled and wants to put drama in their life, they belong in the hospital for being ignorant and psychotic."


"actually attention is the thing that brings the person help. usually self-injurers hurt themselves to feel alive, or to prove they are human, or to numb whatever stress is in their life. those are just a few reasons people self-injure. they aren't crazy, or spoiled, or selfish, or ignorant, and they are not psychotic."

"why do you know about something that i bet isn't even real. it is just kids trying to look tough, when it reality they are just dumb, this is the problem with kids today they don't know how to act their age."

~silence, and awkward stares between the people that actually know what's going on.~

"do you only think kids struggle with self-injury? because they don't. why i know alot, well,  i want to be a therapist who specializes in eating disorder, self-injury and suicide prevention, so yeah, i know quite a bit."

"but it isn't real."

don't think it's real...go here: to write love on her arms.



for you

sometimes when we don't get the thing we truly wanted, or the thing we've been striving for, and working so hard to get, sometimes when we don't get that, that is the biggest lesson of all.
the lesson being...
*you were made for something bigger, something better, then what we set out to be.
we try our hardest to pass the test, or to get the boy, or to prove our self to our parents, friends, anyone we feel inadequate around, and we fail.
failure happens and it isn't because *you aren't good enough, or smart enough.
it is that we set our mind on this one goal and we forget that life is not a one way street.
i forget that all the time.
i know what i want to do, where i want to go and where i want to stay.
i forget that, that might not happen.
today i gave up on god, i don't care anymore.
how can i believe in a god who doesn't heal my best friend.
who doesn't give my other best friend the finish he deserves.
how can i believe in a god who i can't hear, or see, or feel.
i can't. i cannot believe in him, not like i used to.
i see so much hate and cruelty and sadness in this world, and i understand the concept that we were not made for this world but if i can't see love and compassion, and hope here, where god is suppose to take care of us and show us who he is, what's the point?
i still believe in god, i will still go to church, but there is a huge hole that has been reopened and god didn't completely fill it the first time, i sure hope he fills it, even overfills it this time, but it is going to take a awhile.
but this blog isn't about me, it's about *you.
i mentioned failure a few lines back. *you did not fail, *you are not a failure, *you just received another road. it might not be the road of preference, but isn't that the fun part, the part of life that gets to be spontaneous?
a friend was hurt and saddened this week and that put me over edge. it is not his fault, because he deserves more than anyone to get what he wants...but maybe, just maybe, he was meant for something bigger that we can't quite figure out yet, and i am okay with that, because i know him and i know he'll figure it out.
maybe a year from now he will get that thing he wanted, but for the time being...he will just have to learn to be patient and realize he was meant for something better.
not that what he wanted wasn't good enough, that isn't it at all, but there is something we aren't seeing yet with our lives that we aren't meant to see yet...i dunno, maybe it's our age!-can you believe i just said that?
*you are good enough, and *you are smart enough, and *you are worth it.
*you are meant for something greater that we just simply can't see yet.

i dunno, maybe i'm thinking to hard, but i just wanted to let *you know, that this is what i think of this situation.

*you know who you are.

sweet summertime...lame

this is the issue.
i had the thought that staying in manhattan for half the summer...not a terrible idea, people will be here, i'll be busy.
i come to realize...
my friends have been together for years, eons even.
live within three blocks of each other.
and all decided to go home...wonderful.
except maybe one, but he doesn't count because i won't see him ever either.
so, this whole staying in manhattan thing till july...
totally backfired.
happy summer to me, with no friends here...except maybe two.

this is what i'll do; run myself into the ground with business and school work and prepping for chicago, that when i am not doing any of that, i'm sleeping...sound good? good. and break.


i took this girl out last night and we left around 12

i had yet another revelation tonight and it wasn't a good one, but it is one i don't really know how to fix, because i don't think it will ever change.
i think i will be like this the rest of my life, and deep down, for some reason, i'm okay with that.

i am the loneliest when i go home after hanging out with friends.

for instance, i went to get a sno cone with a friend of mine and when walking to my apartment i had this overbearing, mind-boggling feeling of loneliness...i can barely put into words the amount of loneliness i feel when i leave hanging out with people. it's like this heart-wrenching pain that people can never express.

another instance, monday night, leaving a friends house and heading home i felt like i had no friends, that no one likes me and that no one cares, when i just left a friends house, who i know cares about me...that is so crazy, why do i do that?

it is something about me i will never understand.


do you dream, that the world would know your name

why do i keep losing?
i need a win here and there, and i'm not fucking getting them.

i've been beaten down, i've been kicked around

..quote of the day, and it isn't even noon

"i don't think it's true...if it is, she's the dumbest human being on the planet."
-my sister after reading fmylife.com

rebekah is 100% correct.


this is how i think



"are you okay? why won't you turn around?"

"because, i'm tired of being the one who looks at you differently."

"how do you look at me?"

"i see you for who you are, and what you are in a single word is, beauty.
however, with that one word comes an abundance of terms that can also explain who you are, but the word beauty...for you...is where it starts.
there is nothing you can do that can be ugly, even when you mess up.
you learn from your mistakes, you take responsibility for your mistakes, there is beauty in that.
there is beauty in your ambition, your drive, your preciousness, your kindness, your charm, your honesty, your patience, your joy, your strength, your passion, your gentleness, your complexity .
you are beauty."

"why are you tired of seeing that?"

i'm the only one who can see the beauty.
people have trouble believing me, and having this view of you reminds of the one thing i will never have."

"and what's that?"

in your eyes."

-the style of conversation is how my mind works.-


i did my best to notice

"if cats always land on their feet, and buttered toast always lands butter-side down, what happens if you strap a piece of buttered toast to a cat's back and drop it?"
-from a facebook quiz


prostitution reply

i recently wrote a blog about prostitution and the stats i have been learning in my human sexuality class.
my friend christie who is a very faithful follower, as i am to hers, decided to make her comment to my blog an actual post. I thought what she had to say were very good points.
i made a comment that i also made a post.
so, if you're interested, i would read all three posts.
you might learn something!

what you(christie) blogged about, i do have stats on. i just didn't post it. the main reasons clients go to prostitutes is because they either...
1) want something new
2) aren't being satisfied with their current partner
3)feel lonely
4) want unemotional/no strings attached sex
I agree with you, that we should look into the emotional aspect of it, in that women and men in the prostitution business are being used as objects, and not being treated as human beings, but what do we say about the ones who choose to be a prostitute?
i also agree with you that it shouldn't be illegal (sex trafficking: yes, should be), because it is going to happen no matter what, (i know, we could say this about a ton of other things) but this profession is interesting because it allows people to use their rights as well as taking their rights away. it's equivalent to trying to get all the porn off the internet, i agree with you when you say, it is a waste of resources!

read christie's blog!


use somebody

by: kings of leon
-this is a great 100th blog of 2009...enjoy!

i've been roaming around always lookin down at all i see.
painted faces fill the places i can't reach.
you know that i could use somebody
you know that i could use somebody
someone like you
and all you know and how you speak
countless lovers undercover of the street
you know that i could use somebody
you know that i could use somebody
someone like you
off in the night while you live it up i'm off to sleep
waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
i hope it's gonna make you notice
i hope it's gonna make you notice
someone like me
someone like me
someone like me
(go and let it out)
someone like you
someone like you
someone like you
i've been roaming around always lookin down at all i see


want to know what is really frustrating?
being preoccupied.
no! not being distracted by the tv, and no! not purposely distracting yourself so you don't have to study.
i mean 100% without a doubt preoccupied.
to the point you cannot focus on anything else except the person/situation/whatever plaguing your thoughts, and taking over your entire brain!!!!!!!!!!!
i cannot stop thinking about something and it is to the point i am more annoyed about the situation and thinking about it just makes me. oh. what's the word? not angry, not sad. hopeless! that's the word.
and the funny thing is, this 'something' i keep thinking about is so trivial.
yeah, it can be heart breaking, but i shouldn't let this break my heart, ya know?
you don't know because you don't know what i'm talking about, but if you know me well enough, you could make a pretty good guess.
i have done a great job studying this week, so it isn't a huge deal that i am taking a break, but i don't want my break to be me blogging about my preoccupied thoughts, when the thoughts at this point aren't even worth thinking about, because when i want something, and i mean really want something, i never get it...another clue to what i may be thinking about, if you didn't catch that, well, sad.
so, what am i going to do about this little itty bitty minuscule predicament that i am in?
nothing, because i know me, and i know that i will be thinking about this until i know that this 'something' is figured out.
i'm going to be preoccupied for a long time.

and when i see you, i really see you upside down

"do you know how the bible was made?"

"no, not alphabetically."

proof middle schoolers rule!


-this is not towards anyone...i promise, i just think it's funny. this might be one of my new favorite shows..no, it is one of my new favorite shows.


want to know what else i will be studying: prostitution

if someone were to go into prostitution this might be how it goes:
-first drug use=age 15
-first iv drug use=age 19
-first regular iv drug use=age 20
-first prostitution= age 20.5
-first regular prostitution=age 21
why that might be...drugs are expensive, prostitutes make a lot of money, makes sense...i guess

if someone is a prostitute their sexual activity started at a much earlier age
-first consensual sex=prostitute: age 15, not: age 16
-first regular sexual activity= prostitute: age 16, not: age 17
-first penetration= prostitute: age 14, not: age 16
either way, i am not liking these stats

-are upper-middle class, heterosexual, married, highly educated, employed men.
-60% of clients are white
-main age range is 26 to 35 years old
-strictly heterosexual=94%
-working full-time=81%

this is a revolution, quiet for way to long

"if the 'boat' can't float, it won't have motion."
-chick from my human sexuality class

think about it...


this is what i will be studying all week: abuse

*think about this...

abuse is constant through the lifespan
-i mean, yeah, i knew that, and duh, i know it happens, but i have never really given elderly abuse much thought.
it isn't talked about as much as child abuse, dating violence, or spousal abuse.
-drug abuse and depriving the elderly of their rights are the most common.
homicide is one in the five leading causes of death among children
-this ranging from birth to 18 years old.
-every year, more then 1300 kids are killed by their parents
-the woman/mom are more abusive towards their children then the father
-if an infant is between the age of one week to one year, they are more likely to be killed by one of their parents.
-the homicide of a child before the age of five will involve a parent or step parent most likely.
-just reported; 16 out of every 100 children are victims to abuse...only reported!
partner abuse/spousal abuse
-women are more likely to use violence then men...and no, it is not always because of self-defense
-1985 survey: both partners being violent=49%, man only=25%, woman only=28%
-1997 survey: both=51%, man=18%, woman=28%
-approximately 1/4 of victims associate abuse with love...it is sad that i get that
-spousal abuse is not a single event...
~~~~this is what i found really interesting!!!!!!!!!!~~~
-women are abused at least three times a year
three times...um, if abuse is not a single event, then clearly it is more then three times a year!...it just shows that spousal abuse isn't reported, this stat made me really really sad, just knowing it happens more then three times a year,
-20% to 40% of murders are spousal: with this there is a debate on whether it is the husband killing the wife, or wife killing husband.

then there is the whole concept of rape, and there is a stigma that only women get raped and that is not true.
the statistics are actually pretty even among men raping women and women raping men.
before the age of 18:
-1 out of 3 women...by women or men
-1 out of 5 men...by women or men
on a college campus
-1 out of 6 women
-1 out of 7 men

fun stuff i know...not really, actually...not at all.

*friends of mine in 'the family' should recognize a lot of this.


irony at its best...maybe

you could say when it comes to ads in magazines or newspapers (headlines mostly), or even commercials that i am pretty judgmental.
i know, i know, i don't know much about what goes into making these ads, but i can tell a bad one when i see one.
and oh did i see one today...
on the back of one of the magazines in my house there was a cigarette ad and the main word/point the company wants to get across is 'pleasure.'
okay yeah, good tactic i guess, ya know because it is pleasurable putting carbon monoxide into your body and blacking your lungs while at the same time slowly killing the people around you.
but! this one word was not the thing i was judging, it is what the two people in the ad are doing.
there is a couple and the woman is cheering her guy on who is about to blow candles out.
this is how he looks: a combination of excited(because, clearly, it is his birthday) and 'oh man, can i actually get the air i need to blow the candles out!?!'
the reason for the second part of the last sentence is where his hand is.
his hand is cupped on his forehead...the look of hesitance, confusion, i don't know, but you know what i'm talking about.
why i judged this ad so quickly was because of the irony...an add to promote smoking using a man blowing out candles.

i guess what they(the cigarette company) are trying to say is (in a motivational speaker kind of way), 'smokers, you can do what everyone else is doing. don't let your smoking hold you back from fulfilling your dreams... or, blowing out a birthday cake.'