work ethic and its results

well, it is 2 in the morning, which means i am not getting to bed at a decent hour.
however, i was studying and talking to one of my besties...alicia, who i adore.
even if i went to bed, the events of today would probably keep me up for hours.
nothing of true excitement happened, but today was the first time that i could see the future i want slipping away, like the work i have accomplished never existed.
i took a final that sucked because right when i started taking the test, my allergies decided to kick in and take over my entire face.
i was that girl in the room sniffling when everyone else was trying to take their test...i hate that girl.
not only did that test completely suck, it was at 8 in the morning. i come home and slept most of the day, and didn't do much...my face hurt, so yeah i was unproductive.
i went to my weekly dinner with my pal hannah baker, and we decided to go to target...i am one more person down to being done with christmas shopping, so that was a very good feeling.
after target is when my day took a complete 180.
my day was just a regular day. i had to go to my friend donnie's house to give a movie back to his roommate alex that i had borrowed but sadly never watched.
we started talking about our finals and i asked him to figure something out for me.
i guesstimated most of my grades and asked him to figure out what my GPA would be at the end of the semester.
side note...i am on academic probation, if i do not get a 2.0 at the end of this semester i am diabolically screwed.
alex doing this math problem opened up a huge can of worms that i try not to talk about.
alex who was sweet enough to do this for me said the number '1.8,' and tears welled up in my eyes...poor alex just sitting there not knowing what to do because this annoying little girl is sitting there with her hands covering her face and tears running down her cheeks.
the can this little math problem opened was the fact that i have a learning disability.
i don't talk about it. i am not ashamed or embarrassed, i just don't want it to look like i am using it as an excuse.
my mom, professors, and advisers always tell me, you aren't using your LD as an excuse, we need to know about it to help you succeed.
well if they need to know about it to help me succeed then why the hell am i on academic probation. oh wait, i know the answer...i have been on the brink of failing out of school since the 8th grade.
this whole LD thing came up today because a friend of mine said to me, that i just need to work harder...granted he did not know about my LD, but still it was a little harsh, but i can't and won't hold it against him.
this friend is one of the hardest working people i know.
i work extremely hard, my teachers in high school and even middle school for that matter, didn't expect me to graduate from high school, if that isn't hard work, i don't know what is.
my LD consists of problems with math, science and comprehension.
this semester i took finance (comprehension, math) economics (comprehension, math) drugs and behavior (comprehension, science) philosophy and human development (both comprehension).
the one thing college students need to succeed in college is great comprehension skills.
i struggle like no body's business when it comes to comprehension.
i will take a test and 9 out of 10 times i will not understand the question the first time i read it, that is why i get twice as much time on tests then the average college student.
my brain can only take in so much at one time...which doesn't sound like an LD, i know, but my brain works at a slow enough rate, that i am considered to have an LD.
here is an example, a student only needs 4 hours to study and they know they will know the material when they are done in those 4 hours.
i on the other hand will take about 8 hours and may or may not know the material full well at the end of those 8 hours.
why this became an issue today?
all this hard work i have accumulated through out the years can be taken away in a matter of weeks, by one or two points, that is my GPA.
in a matter of weeks, i could no longer be a college student. and that is not okay.
so, what did i do?
well, i went to prayer...which is not usually the thing i do first.
i know this is where i am meant to be, i need to stay in school to get my degree to then be able to fulfill my purpose and help middle schoolers with whatever crap is happening in their lives.
i called my friend sam who told me to email the professors whose classes i have bad grades in to see if there was anything i can do to bump my grade up...this was the second time i had done this, this semester.
the friend who said i just need to work harder...maybe he's right, but i know i work hard, it just doesn't show results, because where my friends results are A's, mine are C's and/or D's
maybe i am not pushing myself?
i am so tired of having to work so hard to even get a C in a class, it is so frustrating.
i don't think i will ever catch a break with school, i haven't since the 8th grade, so i should be used to it.
now, that i have talked this out i haven't even considered that i am probably getting ahead of myself, there is a good chance i will have a 2.0 at the end of this semester, or even higher...i mean come on, last year i brought my GPA up from a 1.1 (different story for a different time) to a 2.4.
i have worked extremely hard this semester because of my probation, if it is taken away from me, i really have no idea what will happen, and again, that is not okay.