friend one, friend two

so lately i have been really distracted.
whether it be with roommate tiffs (which are now settled) or thinking about a specific friend...or two, and doubting myself and where i am going to be in the months to come.
i just haven't been able to focus, and i have almost fallen into a state of mind that is all to familiar from years past.
like today...i said maybe 10 sentences the entire day.
i just wasn't in the mood to talk, or see anyone, one friend to be exact.
i do this thing where if i find myself getting to close to someone i start distancing myself, and i have been doing this for like the past week, and it sucks, because what am i afraid of? this person isn't going to hurt me, or leave me, or no longer be my friend, but this friend knows everything about me, and i mean everything.
this particular friend isn't the first this has happened too.
last year i did it to two people who would walk through fire for me...why? i was afraid of them...why? i don't know, maybe because they know me so well, that they can see right through me?
so this friend now...am i afraid of them? i don't think so.
so what could be the problem?

i have this other friend, who i have been distancing myself from for months, but i know why...i am preparing myself for when they are no longer here...this person is sick, and their mind is on a different planet, and deep down, i just really really really miss my friend, i miss their humor, and wittiness, i miss their spunk and love for life, but this disease that has taken over their body has just transformed their brain into a completely different human being.
distancing myself from this person, i am preparing myself for the worst, but that isn't what i should be doing.
does distancing myself mean i am losing hope in the battle of this person and their sickness? yes, it does, and that is the worst thing that i can do as a best friend...i love this person, i adore this person and i am so sad, and at the same time i am so angry at them, does this person realize how they affect the people around them, especially their two best friends...no they don't and that is so aggravating.
i am not being selfish right now, and i am not putting myself before them, but this sickness has been going on for years, and i don't know what to do anymore. this person will always be my best friend, but they don't return my phone calls, or act like they want to talk to me, they have become self-absorbed, their conversations are only on the surface, nothing we say to each other is real.

as for my first friend that i mentioned...i'm not sure where i stand when it comes to me distancing myself from them, but it has been a slow process and i am just now figuring out that, that is what i have been doing for the past few weeks...pushing them away.
through this search i have learned a few things the past few weeks.
-their is a difference between being confrontational and telling someone how you feel.
-God puts people in our lives and not always to be our friend, but to show us a lesson.
-history does repeat itself, because every year around this time, i start feeling this way...lonely, sad, irrelevant to my friends around me, which i know isn't true, i have some of the best friends anyone could ask for, but the feelings are still there.
-sometimes being right about a situation, makes you look like the bad guy
but through these lessons, what have i truely learned? i am still distancing myself from these two people who know me better then anyone else ever.

the first friend at the begining of the post is strong, determined, loving, comforting, encouraging, understanding, shows grace and mercy, and shows their friendship unlike anyone else.
my second friend is beautiful, vibrant, extroverted, and joyful, but is becoming frail, blinded and weak, and is in fact losing the battle.
so, what do i do? a girl who is pushing the two people who love me most. one has done nothing to derserve my coldness, but knows me well enough, that this is what i do.
and the other also does not derserve my coldness either, but is showing their coldness towards me, and is losing faith in themself.