i also don't want to file it into the back of my brain for it to come out later and make an issue, like what happened last semester.
i am not over somethings that happened last year, which, to me is okay because it means i am still figuring out the lesson i am suppose to be learning.
but here are a few texts i sent my closest friend the one night i just couldn't bare coming back to kansas.
'it's not that i want to stay here, it's that i don't want to go back there."
'i don't like it. i'm not myself. i hate how i'm treated and who i've surrounded myself with. i don't fit in, and i just don't like it.
'the people i've been hanging out with for the past year. they aren't really my friends. when i go back i have to start over again and i hate that. the only two people who have kept tabs on me are m.w. and my roommate. i understand life doesn't stop when i'm gone, but no one has asked.'
'i just don't like my life in manhattan.'
'i know i'm the only one who can change that but it doesn't change how other people act. i tried and i failed so i just have to do it again.'
so, i know this is a little scattered and since then i have figured a lot of this stuff out and when i was driving back to manhattan i was overly pumped about being back.
i think it is because the above conversation and doubts i had, don't really matter.
the people from last year will stay if they're meant to, if not, then that really sucks and some pretty great friendships just got shattered.
if i'm meant to be their friend, they will want me around and actually try, not just 'see how it goes.'--lamest tactic ever, by the way.
this could possibly be a very painful process, but right now, i am good and i'm not worrying about it, because i am done worrying about people who i don't need to worry about.
from two blogs ago or so, this still doesn't answer fully what's been going on in my head because i do plan on keeping that one a secret for people to figure out.
okay, my heart cannot reveal anymore.
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