not the coolest commerical ever, but i love it, i think it is great!
12.31.2008
12.22.2008
really...
okay, so remember that post i wrote about the things i have been appreciating lately...one of those things got totally shot down tonight, and i could not be more annoyed.
i did a favor for someone this weekend, and yes i was more then happy to do it, don't get me wrong.
this favor took basically my whole weekend, i didn't sleep, i was in a place i am still not comfortable with, and the person came home and didn't say a word to me.
not a thank you, a hello, a comment, nothing...what the heck, could they have been more rude.
me and this person have a rocky relationship already, but it was getting better, now we are back to square one, and, i'm sorry, does this person realize how rude they are and how self-centered they are?
i am not being mean, i can give plenty of examples of there rudeness and self-centered-ness, but it just really hurt my feelings...which do not get hurt that often, i usually don't take this person seriously (if that is mean, sorry..if you only knew), and this whole thing is just getting ridiculous, and i am over it, and i am no longer going to let their lack of other peoples feelings slide...i'm done.
i did a favor for someone this weekend, and yes i was more then happy to do it, don't get me wrong.
this favor took basically my whole weekend, i didn't sleep, i was in a place i am still not comfortable with, and the person came home and didn't say a word to me.
not a thank you, a hello, a comment, nothing...what the heck, could they have been more rude.
me and this person have a rocky relationship already, but it was getting better, now we are back to square one, and, i'm sorry, does this person realize how rude they are and how self-centered they are?
i am not being mean, i can give plenty of examples of there rudeness and self-centered-ness, but it just really hurt my feelings...which do not get hurt that often, i usually don't take this person seriously (if that is mean, sorry..if you only knew), and this whole thing is just getting ridiculous, and i am over it, and i am no longer going to let their lack of other peoples feelings slide...i'm done.
12.21.2008
thriving ivory
thriving ivory
angels on the moon
Do you dream , that the world will know your name?
So tell me your name.
(Tell me your name.)
Do you care, about all the little things or anything at all?
(Anything at all.)
I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside I wanna feel.
(I wanna feel.)
I wanna sunburn, just to know that I'm alive...
To know I'm alive.
(To know I'm alive.)
Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know.
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go.
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon.
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon.
Do you believe, in the day that you were born?
Tell me do you believe.
(Do you believe.)
Do you know, that every day's the first of the rest of your life.
Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know.
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go.
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon.
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon.
This is to one last day in the shadows.
And to know a brother's love.
This is to New York City angels.
And the rivers of our blood.
This is to all of us, to all of us.
So don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know.
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go.
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon.
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon.
Yeah, you can tell me all your thoughts, about the stars that fill polluted skies.
And show me where you run to, when there's no one left to take your side.
But don't tell me where the road ends, cause I just don't wanna know, No I don't wanna know.
Don't tell me if I'm dying.
Don't tell me if I'm dying.
-a song hasn't made me think this much in awhile, this song is great!
angels on the moon
Do you dream , that the world will know your name?
So tell me your name.
(Tell me your name.)
Do you care, about all the little things or anything at all?
(Anything at all.)
I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside I wanna feel.
(I wanna feel.)
I wanna sunburn, just to know that I'm alive...
To know I'm alive.
(To know I'm alive.)
Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know.
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go.
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon.
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon.
Do you believe, in the day that you were born?
Tell me do you believe.
(Do you believe.)
Do you know, that every day's the first of the rest of your life.
Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know.
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go.
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon.
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon.
This is to one last day in the shadows.
And to know a brother's love.
This is to New York City angels.
And the rivers of our blood.
This is to all of us, to all of us.
So don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know.
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go.
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon.
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon.
Yeah, you can tell me all your thoughts, about the stars that fill polluted skies.
And show me where you run to, when there's no one left to take your side.
But don't tell me where the road ends, cause I just don't wanna know, No I don't wanna know.
Don't tell me if I'm dying.
Don't tell me if I'm dying.
-a song hasn't made me think this much in awhile, this song is great!
prince caspian just got personal
i finally got a real glimpse into parenthood.
yeah, i've babysat and had that fake baby in FAQS class, but i got my first real glimpse to what it is like to be a parent during the holidays.
having to find that one gift for your child, because if you can't find it and it isn't under the tree on christmas the spirit of christmas is for ever lost in that childs eyes.
well, i am not a parent and no i do not have a child, but every christmas my mother buys a family movie for, well, the family, and this year it was, 'cronicles of narnia: prince caspian.'
i decided to open the movie early this year because i really wanted to watch it, but while i was watching it, i had a feeling something was wrong.
i hadn't seen the movie since this summer when i saw it in theaters, so my mind was a little rusty when i started to watch.
i realized the scenes were backwards.
now, i could be wrong, and i am just not remembering correctly, but i am 98% positive, there was something wrong with the disc.
i take the dvd back to target for an exchange and all they have are blue-ray caspians...two to be exact, and i'm like, 'okay, no big deal i wil just go to another one.'
i go to the targt on stateline and they have zero dvds, but they have blue-ray...two to be exact, so the emloyee gave me the number for the ward parkway target, and the lady said they are out of prince caspian dvds, but have a couple of blue-rays.
doesn't 'a couple' mean two?
three targets down, and zero dvds for prince caspian, it has now gotten personal.
i will find you prince caspian, mark my words.
yeah, i've babysat and had that fake baby in FAQS class, but i got my first real glimpse to what it is like to be a parent during the holidays.
having to find that one gift for your child, because if you can't find it and it isn't under the tree on christmas the spirit of christmas is for ever lost in that childs eyes.
well, i am not a parent and no i do not have a child, but every christmas my mother buys a family movie for, well, the family, and this year it was, 'cronicles of narnia: prince caspian.'
i decided to open the movie early this year because i really wanted to watch it, but while i was watching it, i had a feeling something was wrong.
i hadn't seen the movie since this summer when i saw it in theaters, so my mind was a little rusty when i started to watch.
i realized the scenes were backwards.
now, i could be wrong, and i am just not remembering correctly, but i am 98% positive, there was something wrong with the disc.
i take the dvd back to target for an exchange and all they have are blue-ray caspians...two to be exact, and i'm like, 'okay, no big deal i wil just go to another one.'
i go to the targt on stateline and they have zero dvds, but they have blue-ray...two to be exact, so the emloyee gave me the number for the ward parkway target, and the lady said they are out of prince caspian dvds, but have a couple of blue-rays.
doesn't 'a couple' mean two?
three targets down, and zero dvds for prince caspian, it has now gotten personal.
i will find you prince caspian, mark my words.
12.20.2008
revelation #1
so i was watching home alone and a thought occurred...which was interesting, because i have seen this movie a billion and one times, and i just thought of this.
in the scene in the end, when kevin wakes up to go see if his family came back, he walks into the living room asking for his mom.
he looks in the living room and nothing has changed from the night before.
the night before he decorated the living room with the tree, and the stockings, and before he went to bed, he put cookies, and milk out for santa, and carrot sticks, which i'm guessing are for the reindeer,
nothing had changed, everything was still where it was when kevin put it there the night before.
so, my revelation...what if a little kid is watching this movie, believes in santa claus and notices that nothing had changed. what if they ask the questions, why aren't there presents under the tree? or why is the milk still there? didn't santa come to his house?
now, i know most children are not as observant as me, when i watch movies, i almost turn into an editor to find all the problems...it is a little secret of mine, i think it is fun, but anyway...
seriously...i hope children's hopes and dreams aren't shattered to soon about santa because of that one little scene.
how about this...after watching home alone, what miracle on 34th street
in the scene in the end, when kevin wakes up to go see if his family came back, he walks into the living room asking for his mom.
he looks in the living room and nothing has changed from the night before.
the night before he decorated the living room with the tree, and the stockings, and before he went to bed, he put cookies, and milk out for santa, and carrot sticks, which i'm guessing are for the reindeer,
nothing had changed, everything was still where it was when kevin put it there the night before.
so, my revelation...what if a little kid is watching this movie, believes in santa claus and notices that nothing had changed. what if they ask the questions, why aren't there presents under the tree? or why is the milk still there? didn't santa come to his house?
now, i know most children are not as observant as me, when i watch movies, i almost turn into an editor to find all the problems...it is a little secret of mine, i think it is fun, but anyway...
seriously...i hope children's hopes and dreams aren't shattered to soon about santa because of that one little scene.
how about this...after watching home alone, what miracle on 34th street
12.18.2008
irrational fears cont.
yes sam, and yes john, i stole this from you...i have to give credit where credit is due.
1) i cannot sleep on my stomach, if i sleep on my stomach, i am afraid my spine will snap.
no, i don't think my back will hurt, or my spine will fracture, i believe my spine will literally snap in half. where did this fear branch from; health class.
a chiropractor came to class and said that sleeping on our stomachs is bad for our backs, and somewhere in that message the word 'snap,' was forever burned into my brain.
2) i cannot use heating blankets, two of my friends use them, and it doesn't make sense to me. one of my regular fears is fire, or things that are hot; ovens, stoves, candles, etc. i am afraid if i use a heating blanket, i will catch on fire, point blank, that's it.
those i think are my only two irrational fears. these fears are ridiculous, but i can't, i can't do either of these things.
1) i cannot sleep on my stomach, if i sleep on my stomach, i am afraid my spine will snap.
no, i don't think my back will hurt, or my spine will fracture, i believe my spine will literally snap in half. where did this fear branch from; health class.
a chiropractor came to class and said that sleeping on our stomachs is bad for our backs, and somewhere in that message the word 'snap,' was forever burned into my brain.
2) i cannot use heating blankets, two of my friends use them, and it doesn't make sense to me. one of my regular fears is fire, or things that are hot; ovens, stoves, candles, etc. i am afraid if i use a heating blanket, i will catch on fire, point blank, that's it.
those i think are my only two irrational fears. these fears are ridiculous, but i can't, i can't do either of these things.
work ethic and its results
well, it is 2 in the morning, which means i am not getting to bed at a decent hour.
however, i was studying and talking to one of my besties...alicia, who i adore.
even if i went to bed, the events of today would probably keep me up for hours.
nothing of true excitement happened, but today was the first time that i could see the future i want slipping away, like the work i have accomplished never existed.
i took a final that sucked because right when i started taking the test, my allergies decided to kick in and take over my entire face.
i was that girl in the room sniffling when everyone else was trying to take their test...i hate that girl.
not only did that test completely suck, it was at 8 in the morning. i come home and slept most of the day, and didn't do much...my face hurt, so yeah i was unproductive.
i went to my weekly dinner with my pal hannah baker, and we decided to go to target...i am one more person down to being done with christmas shopping, so that was a very good feeling.
after target is when my day took a complete 180.
my day was just a regular day. i had to go to my friend donnie's house to give a movie back to his roommate alex that i had borrowed but sadly never watched.
we started talking about our finals and i asked him to figure something out for me.
i guesstimated most of my grades and asked him to figure out what my GPA would be at the end of the semester.
side note...i am on academic probation, if i do not get a 2.0 at the end of this semester i am diabolically screwed.
alex doing this math problem opened up a huge can of worms that i try not to talk about.
alex who was sweet enough to do this for me said the number '1.8,' and tears welled up in my eyes...poor alex just sitting there not knowing what to do because this annoying little girl is sitting there with her hands covering her face and tears running down her cheeks.
the can this little math problem opened was the fact that i have a learning disability.
i don't talk about it. i am not ashamed or embarrassed, i just don't want it to look like i am using it as an excuse.
my mom, professors, and advisers always tell me, you aren't using your LD as an excuse, we need to know about it to help you succeed.
well if they need to know about it to help me succeed then why the hell am i on academic probation. oh wait, i know the answer...i have been on the brink of failing out of school since the 8th grade.
this whole LD thing came up today because a friend of mine said to me, that i just need to work harder...granted he did not know about my LD, but still it was a little harsh, but i can't and won't hold it against him.
this friend is one of the hardest working people i know.
i work extremely hard, my teachers in high school and even middle school for that matter, didn't expect me to graduate from high school, if that isn't hard work, i don't know what is.
my LD consists of problems with math, science and comprehension.
this semester i took finance (comprehension, math) economics (comprehension, math) drugs and behavior (comprehension, science) philosophy and human development (both comprehension).
the one thing college students need to succeed in college is great comprehension skills.
i struggle like no body's business when it comes to comprehension.
i will take a test and 9 out of 10 times i will not understand the question the first time i read it, that is why i get twice as much time on tests then the average college student.
my brain can only take in so much at one time...which doesn't sound like an LD, i know, but my brain works at a slow enough rate, that i am considered to have an LD.
here is an example, a student only needs 4 hours to study and they know they will know the material when they are done in those 4 hours.
i on the other hand will take about 8 hours and may or may not know the material full well at the end of those 8 hours.
why this became an issue today?
all this hard work i have accumulated through out the years can be taken away in a matter of weeks, by one or two points, that is my GPA.
in a matter of weeks, i could no longer be a college student. and that is not okay.
so, what did i do?
well, i went to prayer...which is not usually the thing i do first.
i know this is where i am meant to be, i need to stay in school to get my degree to then be able to fulfill my purpose and help middle schoolers with whatever crap is happening in their lives.
i called my friend sam who told me to email the professors whose classes i have bad grades in to see if there was anything i can do to bump my grade up...this was the second time i had done this, this semester.
the friend who said i just need to work harder...maybe he's right, but i know i work hard, it just doesn't show results, because where my friends results are A's, mine are C's and/or D's
maybe i am not pushing myself?
i am so tired of having to work so hard to even get a C in a class, it is so frustrating.
i don't think i will ever catch a break with school, i haven't since the 8th grade, so i should be used to it.
now, that i have talked this out i haven't even considered that i am probably getting ahead of myself, there is a good chance i will have a 2.0 at the end of this semester, or even higher...i mean come on, last year i brought my GPA up from a 1.1 (different story for a different time) to a 2.4.
i have worked extremely hard this semester because of my probation, if it is taken away from me, i really have no idea what will happen, and again, that is not okay.
however, i was studying and talking to one of my besties...alicia, who i adore.
even if i went to bed, the events of today would probably keep me up for hours.
nothing of true excitement happened, but today was the first time that i could see the future i want slipping away, like the work i have accomplished never existed.
i took a final that sucked because right when i started taking the test, my allergies decided to kick in and take over my entire face.
i was that girl in the room sniffling when everyone else was trying to take their test...i hate that girl.
not only did that test completely suck, it was at 8 in the morning. i come home and slept most of the day, and didn't do much...my face hurt, so yeah i was unproductive.
i went to my weekly dinner with my pal hannah baker, and we decided to go to target...i am one more person down to being done with christmas shopping, so that was a very good feeling.
after target is when my day took a complete 180.
my day was just a regular day. i had to go to my friend donnie's house to give a movie back to his roommate alex that i had borrowed but sadly never watched.
we started talking about our finals and i asked him to figure something out for me.
i guesstimated most of my grades and asked him to figure out what my GPA would be at the end of the semester.
side note...i am on academic probation, if i do not get a 2.0 at the end of this semester i am diabolically screwed.
alex doing this math problem opened up a huge can of worms that i try not to talk about.
alex who was sweet enough to do this for me said the number '1.8,' and tears welled up in my eyes...poor alex just sitting there not knowing what to do because this annoying little girl is sitting there with her hands covering her face and tears running down her cheeks.
the can this little math problem opened was the fact that i have a learning disability.
i don't talk about it. i am not ashamed or embarrassed, i just don't want it to look like i am using it as an excuse.
my mom, professors, and advisers always tell me, you aren't using your LD as an excuse, we need to know about it to help you succeed.
well if they need to know about it to help me succeed then why the hell am i on academic probation. oh wait, i know the answer...i have been on the brink of failing out of school since the 8th grade.
this whole LD thing came up today because a friend of mine said to me, that i just need to work harder...granted he did not know about my LD, but still it was a little harsh, but i can't and won't hold it against him.
this friend is one of the hardest working people i know.
i work extremely hard, my teachers in high school and even middle school for that matter, didn't expect me to graduate from high school, if that isn't hard work, i don't know what is.
my LD consists of problems with math, science and comprehension.
this semester i took finance (comprehension, math) economics (comprehension, math) drugs and behavior (comprehension, science) philosophy and human development (both comprehension).
the one thing college students need to succeed in college is great comprehension skills.
i struggle like no body's business when it comes to comprehension.
i will take a test and 9 out of 10 times i will not understand the question the first time i read it, that is why i get twice as much time on tests then the average college student.
my brain can only take in so much at one time...which doesn't sound like an LD, i know, but my brain works at a slow enough rate, that i am considered to have an LD.
here is an example, a student only needs 4 hours to study and they know they will know the material when they are done in those 4 hours.
i on the other hand will take about 8 hours and may or may not know the material full well at the end of those 8 hours.
why this became an issue today?
all this hard work i have accumulated through out the years can be taken away in a matter of weeks, by one or two points, that is my GPA.
in a matter of weeks, i could no longer be a college student. and that is not okay.
so, what did i do?
well, i went to prayer...which is not usually the thing i do first.
i know this is where i am meant to be, i need to stay in school to get my degree to then be able to fulfill my purpose and help middle schoolers with whatever crap is happening in their lives.
i called my friend sam who told me to email the professors whose classes i have bad grades in to see if there was anything i can do to bump my grade up...this was the second time i had done this, this semester.
the friend who said i just need to work harder...maybe he's right, but i know i work hard, it just doesn't show results, because where my friends results are A's, mine are C's and/or D's
maybe i am not pushing myself?
i am so tired of having to work so hard to even get a C in a class, it is so frustrating.
i don't think i will ever catch a break with school, i haven't since the 8th grade, so i should be used to it.
now, that i have talked this out i haven't even considered that i am probably getting ahead of myself, there is a good chance i will have a 2.0 at the end of this semester, or even higher...i mean come on, last year i brought my GPA up from a 1.1 (different story for a different time) to a 2.4.
i have worked extremely hard this semester because of my probation, if it is taken away from me, i really have no idea what will happen, and again, that is not okay.
12.17.2008
insomnia blows
so lately i have been a blogging machine.
maybe it will be one of those things where i blog all the time because it is something new, and after awhile i just won't think about it.
or...it is because the whole concept of blogging is just really interesting.
through my 20 blogs thus far, i have been able to see how clumsy i really am, reconnect with an old friend, and learn even more about the friends around me.
i do not know the point to this particular post, but it is 1 in the morning and i have to get up at 7 for a final and i am starting to get really frustrated with this lack of sleep...this is where the blogging comes in.
i have been an insomniac for years, i can go to my room at 10 and not fall asleep till 2 or 3...so infuriating.
i have so many thoughts running through my head, i rewind on my whole day, day before that and sometimes the day before that.
i think of situations that happened and then i think of every way that situation could have ended up if i did something different and then i get mad at myself for not doing that different thing...does that make sense?
so i have realized, if i blog, maybe i will be able to go to sleep faster., by getting my thoughts out...but that means i cannot blog at 1 in the morning...it defeats the purpose.
i am not saying i am going to unravel my day every night, that is silly and i am not that important that people would not want to know about my day...i am not that interesting.
the point of this blog is for me to be silly, but more importantly to talk out my clumsiness (hence the title), and not being able to sleep in a way is clumsy because the reason i can't sleep is because i fret about what has already happened and cannot be changed.
so lets give this a try and then maybe after years of not sleeping, i can finally fall a sleep at a decent hour.
maybe it will be one of those things where i blog all the time because it is something new, and after awhile i just won't think about it.
or...it is because the whole concept of blogging is just really interesting.
through my 20 blogs thus far, i have been able to see how clumsy i really am, reconnect with an old friend, and learn even more about the friends around me.
i do not know the point to this particular post, but it is 1 in the morning and i have to get up at 7 for a final and i am starting to get really frustrated with this lack of sleep...this is where the blogging comes in.
i have been an insomniac for years, i can go to my room at 10 and not fall asleep till 2 or 3...so infuriating.
i have so many thoughts running through my head, i rewind on my whole day, day before that and sometimes the day before that.
i think of situations that happened and then i think of every way that situation could have ended up if i did something different and then i get mad at myself for not doing that different thing...does that make sense?
so i have realized, if i blog, maybe i will be able to go to sleep faster., by getting my thoughts out...but that means i cannot blog at 1 in the morning...it defeats the purpose.
i am not saying i am going to unravel my day every night, that is silly and i am not that important that people would not want to know about my day...i am not that interesting.
the point of this blog is for me to be silly, but more importantly to talk out my clumsiness (hence the title), and not being able to sleep in a way is clumsy because the reason i can't sleep is because i fret about what has already happened and cannot be changed.
so lets give this a try and then maybe after years of not sleeping, i can finally fall a sleep at a decent hour.
12.16.2008
f for lack of effort
the 30 day trial i was going to try and do, did not happen.
first of all, i don't think i can do that to my body.
secondly, i don't have time to make mashed potatoes every three days or how ever often i needed to make them to keep up for 30 days.
thirdly, i wanted to try this during the holidays and finals, i was just setting myself up for failure.
so, as of right now, i have an f in this project.
i will do it, but i do not think mashed potatoes should be my food of choice.
but again, i will keep you posted on the progressions of this expierement, that has yet to be started.
-peace-
first of all, i don't think i can do that to my body.
secondly, i don't have time to make mashed potatoes every three days or how ever often i needed to make them to keep up for 30 days.
thirdly, i wanted to try this during the holidays and finals, i was just setting myself up for failure.
so, as of right now, i have an f in this project.
i will do it, but i do not think mashed potatoes should be my food of choice.
but again, i will keep you posted on the progressions of this expierement, that has yet to be started.
-peace-
12.15.2008
sidekicks rock
i have really started to appreciate sidekicks in movies...they are just amazing, they bring fun and laughter, they bring deep emotion and anger, they are the emotion of a film!
here are my top five fav. sidekicks
tinkerbell...she makes people fly, she takes care of peter, she is the ultimate sidekick, she is dear and true to her 'master' and she would even drink the dreadful medicine so peter won't die, all you have to do to bring her back is clap and chant, "i do believe in fairies, i do, i do!"
here are my top five fav. sidekicks
tinkerbell...she makes people fly, she takes care of peter, she is the ultimate sidekick, she is dear and true to her 'master' and she would even drink the dreadful medicine so peter won't die, all you have to do to bring her back is clap and chant, "i do believe in fairies, i do, i do!"
cogsworth and lumerie from beauty and the beast...enough said they are a package deal and bring true love to the beast, how amazing is that. 
mark from empire records...mark is the all time sidekick, not only does he save the store, he thinks he gets eaten by a big monster because he is completely stoned, and he makes out with paintings on walls.
ron weasley....could not be a more perfect fit for the duo of harry and ron, you might be thinking, why didn't i choose harmonie, she is a good sidekick, but she will never beat ron. yes he has his quirks, but who doesn't love a red headed wizard who helps save the day. 
cameron from ferris beullers day off...the movie is about him and giving him the best day ever, that is what makes him a great sidekick...the movie may be named after ferris, but it is really about camerondisney brings the best sidekicks, but their are so many sidekicks in the world of cinema, that they sometimes get overlooked.
so three cheers to all you sidekicks out there!
talk about uncanny
this is my relationship with prayer...
even the 'losing her' reference has to do with my life...go to blog, 'friend one, friend two'
the fray, you found me
I found God on the corner of First in Amistad
where the west was all but one.
All alone, smoking his last cigarette,
I said "where you been?"
He said, "ask anything."
Where were you when everything was falling apart?
All my days, spent by the telephone. that never rang.
All i needed was a call that never came.
The corner of First and Amistad...
Lost and insecure, You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded.
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you? just a little late...
You found me, you found me
In the end, everyone ends up alone.
Losing her, the only one who's ever known who i am, who im not, and who i wanna be.
no way to know how long she will be next to me...
Lost and insecure, You found me, you found me.
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded.
why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, You found me, you found me.
Early morning, city breaks. I've been calling for years and years and years and years.
and you never left me no messages; never sent me no letters; you've got some kind of nerve taking all of our world.
Lost and insecure, You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, Where were you? Where were you?
Lost and insecure, You found me, you found me.
lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded.
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
Why'd you have to wait, To find me? To find me?
even the 'losing her' reference has to do with my life...go to blog, 'friend one, friend two'
the fray, you found me
I found God on the corner of First in Amistad
where the west was all but one.
All alone, smoking his last cigarette,
I said "where you been?"
He said, "ask anything."
Where were you when everything was falling apart?
All my days, spent by the telephone. that never rang.
All i needed was a call that never came.
The corner of First and Amistad...
Lost and insecure, You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded.
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you? just a little late...
You found me, you found me
In the end, everyone ends up alone.
Losing her, the only one who's ever known who i am, who im not, and who i wanna be.
no way to know how long she will be next to me...
Lost and insecure, You found me, you found me.
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded.
why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, You found me, you found me.
Early morning, city breaks. I've been calling for years and years and years and years.
and you never left me no messages; never sent me no letters; you've got some kind of nerve taking all of our world.
Lost and insecure, You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, Where were you? Where were you?
Lost and insecure, You found me, you found me.
lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded.
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
Why'd you have to wait, To find me? To find me?
the ups and downs of 2008
it is the night before finals, and i should be studying, but i'm not, instead i am going to reminise about the past year of 2008
i was officially on academic probabtion...awesome(written with sarcasm).
i saw my sister 4 times has much as i usually do, considering she lives in nashville.
i am no longer a teenager, considering i turned 20.
i moved from a house to an apartment.
i broke my finger, first bone i have ever broken and steve was the one who did it.
i got over my addiction to cutting.
my relationship with God hasn't gotten better...not that it isn't bad, it just hasn't progressed.
i made lifelong friends, and got closer to the amazing friends i already had.
sam
alicia
megan
donnie
hannah blick
hannah baker
-just to name a few
i lost probably the most important document on my computer...i am still not over it.
my senior pastor at covenant chapel left, and that was heartbreaking, but i know it was for the best.
found a church in manhattan that i love, the well.
became more comfortable in my own skin.
was with my grandmother when she found out she was getting a transplant...kind of a weird feeling.
didn't get to see some amazing movies.
before the devil knows you're dead
the savages
no country for old men
how to lose friends and alienate people
there will be blood
-just to name a few
am still in the process of learning how to manage money.
was in my first wedding as a bridesmaid.
was judged in a way no one should ever be judged.
went to three amazing concerts in one summer...will probably never happen again.
OAR
the Kooks, Rogue Wave, Death Cab for Cutie
Sigur ros
my dog died.
started this blog.
got my second tatoo.
1 john 4:18-19
-LOVE-
got to do what i love and lead amazing middle schoolers over the summer and whenever i go home.
became way more outgoing.
gave a boy my number.
i still struggle with not feeling important around my friends, or feeling like a burden.
i think those are just the biggies, some more than others, but if i think of anymore i will add them. However, even though all this stuff happened, i haven't changed that much, yeah i became more confident, but the same things happen around the same time of year, life is just one thing after another and then repeat...life is like a shampoo bottle.
what will 2009 bring?
i was officially on academic probabtion...awesome(written with sarcasm).
i saw my sister 4 times has much as i usually do, considering she lives in nashville.
i am no longer a teenager, considering i turned 20.
i moved from a house to an apartment.
i broke my finger, first bone i have ever broken and steve was the one who did it.
i got over my addiction to cutting.
my relationship with God hasn't gotten better...not that it isn't bad, it just hasn't progressed.
i made lifelong friends, and got closer to the amazing friends i already had.
sam
alicia
megan
donnie
hannah blick
hannah baker
-just to name a few
i lost probably the most important document on my computer...i am still not over it.
my senior pastor at covenant chapel left, and that was heartbreaking, but i know it was for the best.
found a church in manhattan that i love, the well.
became more comfortable in my own skin.
was with my grandmother when she found out she was getting a transplant...kind of a weird feeling.
didn't get to see some amazing movies.
before the devil knows you're dead
the savages
no country for old men
how to lose friends and alienate people
there will be blood
-just to name a few
am still in the process of learning how to manage money.
was in my first wedding as a bridesmaid.
was judged in a way no one should ever be judged.
went to three amazing concerts in one summer...will probably never happen again.
OAR
the Kooks, Rogue Wave, Death Cab for Cutie
Sigur ros
my dog died.
started this blog.
got my second tatoo.
1 john 4:18-19
-LOVE-
got to do what i love and lead amazing middle schoolers over the summer and whenever i go home.
became way more outgoing.
gave a boy my number.
i still struggle with not feeling important around my friends, or feeling like a burden.
i think those are just the biggies, some more than others, but if i think of anymore i will add them. However, even though all this stuff happened, i haven't changed that much, yeah i became more confident, but the same things happen around the same time of year, life is just one thing after another and then repeat...life is like a shampoo bottle.
what will 2009 bring?
12.14.2008
rise
azure ray
rise
today i'll crawl out of bed
i can't stand your shadow is to heavy to lift
maybe we'll go for a ride
you said you'd take me nowhere
i said that suits me just fine
i know you've always been near
whispering secrets i know i'm not supposed to hear
hold your heart with two hands
give it to me only to disappear
and look how low i've sunk don't ask me to rise i'll lose you when i'm high
hey, look how low i've sunk don't ask me to rise i'll only lose you when i'm high...all alone in the dark love survives only when we are apart your voice still stands in my ears soft explosions blossom with the beat of my heart and look how low i've sunk don't ask me to rise i'll lose you when i'm high
hey, look how low i've sunk don't ask me to rise i'll only lose you when i'm high.....high.....
hey look how low i've sunk don't ask me to rise i lost you when i was high...
and look
-these lyrics are just awesome!
rise
today i'll crawl out of bed
i can't stand your shadow is to heavy to lift
maybe we'll go for a ride
you said you'd take me nowhere
i said that suits me just fine
i know you've always been near
whispering secrets i know i'm not supposed to hear
hold your heart with two hands
give it to me only to disappear
and look how low i've sunk don't ask me to rise i'll lose you when i'm high
hey, look how low i've sunk don't ask me to rise i'll only lose you when i'm high...all alone in the dark love survives only when we are apart your voice still stands in my ears soft explosions blossom with the beat of my heart and look how low i've sunk don't ask me to rise i'll lose you when i'm high
hey, look how low i've sunk don't ask me to rise i'll only lose you when i'm high.....high.....
hey look how low i've sunk don't ask me to rise i lost you when i was high...
and look
-these lyrics are just awesome!
friend zone
wanna know what i think is like the most bogus thing ever.
the friend zone
i mean, really, it is the dumbest thing ever.
some people say they would never date someone because they are to far into the friend zone.
what does that even mean, if we said that about all our friends, then we wouldn't date anyone. i would rather date a good friend of mine, then date someone i wasn't super close with.
ugh, i hate the friend zone, i personally don't think it exisits, if you want to date someone, and are afraid something will happen that you would no longer be friends, then you weren't that good of friends in the first place and why are you even thinking of what could happen if you haven't even started dating yet...jeez
friend zone is idiotic and holds people back from letting people know how they feel.
that's all
the friend zone
i mean, really, it is the dumbest thing ever.
some people say they would never date someone because they are to far into the friend zone.
what does that even mean, if we said that about all our friends, then we wouldn't date anyone. i would rather date a good friend of mine, then date someone i wasn't super close with.
ugh, i hate the friend zone, i personally don't think it exisits, if you want to date someone, and are afraid something will happen that you would no longer be friends, then you weren't that good of friends in the first place and why are you even thinking of what could happen if you haven't even started dating yet...jeez
friend zone is idiotic and holds people back from letting people know how they feel.
that's all
11.25.2008
a 30 day trial
so, i was asked the question...if i could eat my favorite food for 30 days straight, would i get sick of it? well first i have to determine my favorite food...
i love
mashed potatoes,
chocolate covered strawberries,
chicken nuggets,
steak,
spaghetti with meat sauce,
shrimp
well, since the first one to pop up was mashed potatoes, i guess i will go with that...oh man 30 days in a row of eating mashed potatoes..not that they are delicious, i don't think my body could take it, but thanksgiving is in two days, so what a great time to start this little experiment.
that is a lot of potatoes.
will i get sick of them, probably...but i will give this a shot starting on thanksgiving.
i'll keep you posted.
i love
mashed potatoes,
chocolate covered strawberries,
chicken nuggets,
steak,
spaghetti with meat sauce,
shrimp
well, since the first one to pop up was mashed potatoes, i guess i will go with that...oh man 30 days in a row of eating mashed potatoes..not that they are delicious, i don't think my body could take it, but thanksgiving is in two days, so what a great time to start this little experiment.
that is a lot of potatoes.
will i get sick of them, probably...but i will give this a shot starting on thanksgiving.
i'll keep you posted.
11.23.2008
kudos to one tree hill
i have been a committed one tree hill watcher since the second season, going on its seventh season, no episode will beat third season, episode 16...
http://www.thewb.com/video/12bcdefeb0/one-tree-hill/with-tired-eyes-tired-minds-tired-souls-we-slept
...aka, the school shooting. yes, i realize that it is just a drama that tries to bring in viewers, but this episode is real, riveting, and heartfelt. the writers also do a good job of bringing the viewers back to reality and letting us remember it is just a tv show, but the dialogue between the students and the shooter in the tutoring center is almost dead on to what goes through the minds of high schoolers.
the episode starts off with jimmy edwards talking about students at his school in a time capsule. he then sees fellow students messing with his locker, when he pulls out his gun and makes a single shot in brooke and peytons direction. the students go from having no worries to complete panic in 1.3 seconds. the school is then put on lock down.
a majority of the episode goes from the tutoring center where jimmy holds 7 hostages, the library were peyton and lucas are, the gym where the students can get picked up by their parents and outside the school where the police are.
out of these four locations, only one location is the breather for the episode reminding us that it is only a night drama on the cw, but the other three help us realize how much hate walks around the halls of our high schools and universities.
Jimmy Edwards: You really think I am the only one. Then ask yourself this. Have you ever treated someone like crap in this school or left anyone out? Have you ever broken up with someone in the time it takes to pass a note and disappear? Or talk trash behind their back? Or maybe you just ignored it all? You know why you worry about the big game or the prom or the bake sale for the pep club. You ask yourself that and then you tell me if there is anyone else out there.
the boy who played jimmy edwards deserves a freaking award, because throughout the entire episode, he isn't mean or cruel, he is sad and angry and more then he hates the other students, he hates himself. his facial expression throughout the episode is fright and sadness.
i wonder with all the school shootings that have happened in our life time, did anyone ever look at the faces of the shooters? i truely believe they aren't bad people, they just don't know what to do...now, it doesn't give them a right to do what they did, but think about what they are feeling.
Keith Scott: I'm not gonna leave you here son. I'm not gonna do that and i'll tell you why. Cause I've been there. I've bought the gun, and i planned on using it ok. I've been there. And I wanna tell you something, It gets better.
Jimmy Edwards: Not this, it can't.
Keith Scott: It does Jimmy. That pain in your stomach, that pain in your heart, it goes away. That voice in your head thats saying there's no way out, it's wrong Jimmy. Would you please, please just believe me. It gets better.
Jimmy Edwards: It won't! Not after this! I cant take this back! I can't erase this!
[starting to cry]
Jimmy Edwards: She's gonna die.
Keith Scott: You don't know that.
Jimmy Edwards: I just... I wanted... I wanted them to leave me alone. I just... I wanted them to like me.
Keith Scott: I understand son. It's what we all want. Thats all any of us want.
Jimmy Edwards: I'm not here... I'm not here.
Keith Scott: Jimmy please... it's gonna be ok son... it's gonna be ok.
Jimmy Edwards: [pounding on his chest] But it hurts! It hurts! It always hurts!
Keith Scott: I know... please... please...
Jimmy Edwards: I'm sorry...
[Points the gun to his chest and shoots himself]
Keith Scott: NOOOOO!
i think that scene explains itself, all anyone wants is to be liked and loved and wanted.
watching this episode was almost convicting for me, because it makes me realize my words and actions have an effect on people. i need to realize there are so many emotions running through peoples hearts that i need to treat them with respect and not judge them.
Abby Brown: What's wrong with you? He's just a kid. We're all just kids and we just have this life and the things you say and do, we feel that. How can you have so much hate in your heart? How can you act like it doesn't matter? It does matter. What happened to us? We're just kids. We can't be like this. It's not possible.
i think about high school and for me high school sucked, i hated going, i didn't care about my class and i put on the persona of, i wanted people to leave me alone, but deep down i wanted acceptance, but not till i got to college did i realize, what happens in high school is extremely important. the experiences we have, the crap all of us have to go through, it sticks with us, but there is a quote in the episode that made me realize it is only a blip of the rest of our lives.
Rachel Gattina: 700 days. High School, out of 20 or 30 thousand, can't you see past that. It's only 700 days
Jimmy follows with this,
Jimmy Edwards: How many of those days do I get back? Do I get back the days I got spit on, or the day I learned to look at the floor when I walk the halls, or how about the day, my dad came to pick me up and saw me getting my ass kicked in the quad and realized his son is a loser. You never look in your fathers eyes when he realizes that. Do I get that day back?...
This is the most any of us have talked in 4 years, if i didn't have this gun, it never would have happened.
which brings me to the quote that mouth said,
Marvin "Mouth" McFadden: It's not suppose to be this way. The artists, and the scientists, and the poets - none of them fit in at 17. We're suppose to get passed it. Adults - they see kids killing kids, and they know it's a tragedy because they used to be those kids - the bullies, and the beaten, and the loners. We're supposed to get passed it. You're supposed to live long enough to take it back. Just take it back.
adults wonder about our generation, the apathy for politics, the bullying, the lack of awareness when it comes to other people. we are selfish and stubborn. when we video tape 7 girls beating the crap out of another girl, or record the shots made at V-Tech, we have cheerleaders in texas who think they rule the school because they think they are better then everyone else. no wonder adults think poorly on our generation. but do you think also, our generation had to grow-up to fast, do you think the our parents generation and their parents generation put to much pressure on us because people expect more out of us? i have no idea.
Peyton Sawyer: We had a snow day. Sixth grade, do you remember? It was like this whole other world just came in overnight and took ours away. Brooke, she came over and we made a snowfort... with a tunnel. And we stayed in there all day. It seemed so safe, like everything was okay. Like everything our world was about to become, maybe we could just stop it and stay little kids for one more day. But then it got cold, kinda like now. They're gonna come now. All of them. The reporters and the psychologists and the analysts. And the so-called experts. And they're gonna try and make sense of this. But they're not gonna be able to. And even if we do make it out of here, we're always gonna carry it with us. Its never gonna be the same.
The media has an effect, our parents have an effect, we are a generation of technology and do our parents realize the effects the media has on us? does the media realize the effects of what they put in their newspapers, their magazines, and their news coverages?
Reporter: Does that warm your heart? You think America would tune in for that every night?
Brooke: Have you seen the ratings for 7th Heaven
Reporter: we're a society obsessed with tragedy Brooke, so, if esaminging tragedy makes me part of the problem, then so be it, but let me ask you something, how much time have you spent with Jimmy Edwards in the last 4 years? So, maybe I'm not the only one who should be ashamed.
don't get me wrong, there is some truth to this conversation, but for brooke, who is only 17 can adults really expect her to realizewhat her actions do? i mean, i guess they can, but they should never tell our generation that we should be ashamed of something that we really don't know anything about. i don't think high school students or even college students wake up in the morning and say, 'well, there is going to be a school shooting today, i should be ashamed of myself.' and that is what adults do to our generation, they expect us to have the same mind set as them, so for the question, did our generation have to grow up faster then others? yes, we did.
Lucas ends with a few lines in the episode that make you sit there at the end of the episode and already we have to soak in what just happened in those last 43 minutes, but then lucas says this,
Lucas Scott: Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred, how did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us that we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war, hoping for their safe return, but knowing that some would be lost along the way. When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows. Swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?
this episode is ridiculous in that it is really real, we grow up in a society that we only think about ourselves and we never truly realize our words have consequences, it never really sinks in until someone brings a gun into a school and that gun is the proof of our actions.
Jimmy Edwards: What are you doing? you said you didn't have a phone, who'd you call? They better not come in here...I should have known it was all about the gun. So, what, do I have to pull the trigger again for you to take me seriously?
so, kudos to one tree hill, for opening the eyes of their viewers to the things that have happened in our generation. and teaching us the only way to fix the hate in our generation is to be kind.
http://www.thewb.com/video/12bcdefeb0/one-tree-hill/with-tired-eyes-tired-minds-tired-souls-we-slept
...aka, the school shooting. yes, i realize that it is just a drama that tries to bring in viewers, but this episode is real, riveting, and heartfelt. the writers also do a good job of bringing the viewers back to reality and letting us remember it is just a tv show, but the dialogue between the students and the shooter in the tutoring center is almost dead on to what goes through the minds of high schoolers.
the episode starts off with jimmy edwards talking about students at his school in a time capsule. he then sees fellow students messing with his locker, when he pulls out his gun and makes a single shot in brooke and peytons direction. the students go from having no worries to complete panic in 1.3 seconds. the school is then put on lock down.
a majority of the episode goes from the tutoring center where jimmy holds 7 hostages, the library were peyton and lucas are, the gym where the students can get picked up by their parents and outside the school where the police are.
out of these four locations, only one location is the breather for the episode reminding us that it is only a night drama on the cw, but the other three help us realize how much hate walks around the halls of our high schools and universities.
Jimmy Edwards: You really think I am the only one. Then ask yourself this. Have you ever treated someone like crap in this school or left anyone out? Have you ever broken up with someone in the time it takes to pass a note and disappear? Or talk trash behind their back? Or maybe you just ignored it all? You know why you worry about the big game or the prom or the bake sale for the pep club. You ask yourself that and then you tell me if there is anyone else out there.
the boy who played jimmy edwards deserves a freaking award, because throughout the entire episode, he isn't mean or cruel, he is sad and angry and more then he hates the other students, he hates himself. his facial expression throughout the episode is fright and sadness.
i wonder with all the school shootings that have happened in our life time, did anyone ever look at the faces of the shooters? i truely believe they aren't bad people, they just don't know what to do...now, it doesn't give them a right to do what they did, but think about what they are feeling.
Keith Scott: I'm not gonna leave you here son. I'm not gonna do that and i'll tell you why. Cause I've been there. I've bought the gun, and i planned on using it ok. I've been there. And I wanna tell you something, It gets better.
Jimmy Edwards: Not this, it can't.
Keith Scott: It does Jimmy. That pain in your stomach, that pain in your heart, it goes away. That voice in your head thats saying there's no way out, it's wrong Jimmy. Would you please, please just believe me. It gets better.
Jimmy Edwards: It won't! Not after this! I cant take this back! I can't erase this!
[starting to cry]
Jimmy Edwards: She's gonna die.
Keith Scott: You don't know that.
Jimmy Edwards: I just... I wanted... I wanted them to leave me alone. I just... I wanted them to like me.
Keith Scott: I understand son. It's what we all want. Thats all any of us want.
Jimmy Edwards: I'm not here... I'm not here.
Keith Scott: Jimmy please... it's gonna be ok son... it's gonna be ok.
Jimmy Edwards: [pounding on his chest] But it hurts! It hurts! It always hurts!
Keith Scott: I know... please... please...
Jimmy Edwards: I'm sorry...
[Points the gun to his chest and shoots himself]
Keith Scott: NOOOOO!
i think that scene explains itself, all anyone wants is to be liked and loved and wanted.
watching this episode was almost convicting for me, because it makes me realize my words and actions have an effect on people. i need to realize there are so many emotions running through peoples hearts that i need to treat them with respect and not judge them.
Abby Brown: What's wrong with you? He's just a kid. We're all just kids and we just have this life and the things you say and do, we feel that. How can you have so much hate in your heart? How can you act like it doesn't matter? It does matter. What happened to us? We're just kids. We can't be like this. It's not possible.
i think about high school and for me high school sucked, i hated going, i didn't care about my class and i put on the persona of, i wanted people to leave me alone, but deep down i wanted acceptance, but not till i got to college did i realize, what happens in high school is extremely important. the experiences we have, the crap all of us have to go through, it sticks with us, but there is a quote in the episode that made me realize it is only a blip of the rest of our lives.
Rachel Gattina: 700 days. High School, out of 20 or 30 thousand, can't you see past that. It's only 700 days
Jimmy follows with this,
Jimmy Edwards: How many of those days do I get back? Do I get back the days I got spit on, or the day I learned to look at the floor when I walk the halls, or how about the day, my dad came to pick me up and saw me getting my ass kicked in the quad and realized his son is a loser. You never look in your fathers eyes when he realizes that. Do I get that day back?...
This is the most any of us have talked in 4 years, if i didn't have this gun, it never would have happened.
which brings me to the quote that mouth said,
Marvin "Mouth" McFadden: It's not suppose to be this way. The artists, and the scientists, and the poets - none of them fit in at 17. We're suppose to get passed it. Adults - they see kids killing kids, and they know it's a tragedy because they used to be those kids - the bullies, and the beaten, and the loners. We're supposed to get passed it. You're supposed to live long enough to take it back. Just take it back.
adults wonder about our generation, the apathy for politics, the bullying, the lack of awareness when it comes to other people. we are selfish and stubborn. when we video tape 7 girls beating the crap out of another girl, or record the shots made at V-Tech, we have cheerleaders in texas who think they rule the school because they think they are better then everyone else. no wonder adults think poorly on our generation. but do you think also, our generation had to grow-up to fast, do you think the our parents generation and their parents generation put to much pressure on us because people expect more out of us? i have no idea.
Peyton Sawyer: We had a snow day. Sixth grade, do you remember? It was like this whole other world just came in overnight and took ours away. Brooke, she came over and we made a snowfort... with a tunnel. And we stayed in there all day. It seemed so safe, like everything was okay. Like everything our world was about to become, maybe we could just stop it and stay little kids for one more day. But then it got cold, kinda like now. They're gonna come now. All of them. The reporters and the psychologists and the analysts. And the so-called experts. And they're gonna try and make sense of this. But they're not gonna be able to. And even if we do make it out of here, we're always gonna carry it with us. Its never gonna be the same.
The media has an effect, our parents have an effect, we are a generation of technology and do our parents realize the effects the media has on us? does the media realize the effects of what they put in their newspapers, their magazines, and their news coverages?
Reporter: Does that warm your heart? You think America would tune in for that every night?
Brooke: Have you seen the ratings for 7th Heaven
Reporter: we're a society obsessed with tragedy Brooke, so, if esaminging tragedy makes me part of the problem, then so be it, but let me ask you something, how much time have you spent with Jimmy Edwards in the last 4 years? So, maybe I'm not the only one who should be ashamed.
don't get me wrong, there is some truth to this conversation, but for brooke, who is only 17 can adults really expect her to realizewhat her actions do? i mean, i guess they can, but they should never tell our generation that we should be ashamed of something that we really don't know anything about. i don't think high school students or even college students wake up in the morning and say, 'well, there is going to be a school shooting today, i should be ashamed of myself.' and that is what adults do to our generation, they expect us to have the same mind set as them, so for the question, did our generation have to grow up faster then others? yes, we did.
Lucas ends with a few lines in the episode that make you sit there at the end of the episode and already we have to soak in what just happened in those last 43 minutes, but then lucas says this,
Lucas Scott: Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred, how did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us that we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war, hoping for their safe return, but knowing that some would be lost along the way. When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows. Swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?
this episode is ridiculous in that it is really real, we grow up in a society that we only think about ourselves and we never truly realize our words have consequences, it never really sinks in until someone brings a gun into a school and that gun is the proof of our actions.
Jimmy Edwards: What are you doing? you said you didn't have a phone, who'd you call? They better not come in here...I should have known it was all about the gun. So, what, do I have to pull the trigger again for you to take me seriously?
so, kudos to one tree hill, for opening the eyes of their viewers to the things that have happened in our generation. and teaching us the only way to fix the hate in our generation is to be kind.
ron prince
okay, this is what i think about ron prince... i feel bad for him.
yeah, he hasn't done a great job with the program synder left behind, but that is just it, anyone who follows bill snyder has a pretty important role to fill. prince had to live up to the expectations people had for snyder and that isn't fair, also, three years is not enough time to build a program. syder won what, 1 game in his first season, and of course progressed through the rest of his time here, but that is just it, so many people compared prince to snyder, we were almost setting him up for failure. so, ron prince isn't a bad coach, there was just a lot riding on him, and he had major shoes to fill, and people were only comparing him to years past. i am not saying he is a fantastic coach, but maybe without all the ridicule and comparisons to snyder, we could have seen what he was really made of. that's all i wanted to say about that.
yeah, he hasn't done a great job with the program synder left behind, but that is just it, anyone who follows bill snyder has a pretty important role to fill. prince had to live up to the expectations people had for snyder and that isn't fair, also, three years is not enough time to build a program. syder won what, 1 game in his first season, and of course progressed through the rest of his time here, but that is just it, so many people compared prince to snyder, we were almost setting him up for failure. so, ron prince isn't a bad coach, there was just a lot riding on him, and he had major shoes to fill, and people were only comparing him to years past. i am not saying he is a fantastic coach, but maybe without all the ridicule and comparisons to snyder, we could have seen what he was really made of. that's all i wanted to say about that.
11.20.2008
K-State marching band
1) if they do the phase out, the SGA aren't helping the band find other ways of funding the program..which is the most inconsiderate thing ever.
2) k-state will lose students, because students who are in band in high school and want to do music in college can't come to k-state..i'm not saying the band will not exist, alumni won't allow that, but it would be much harder to gain scholarships for students to come to k-state, and if students can't get scholarships they will choose somewhere else.
3) the SGA chose the band, because it doesn't 'affect' every student, well i pay fees to the football team and the yearbook and i don't go to every game or get a year book at the end of the year, why do i have to pay fees for those, why did SGA pinpoint the band? when it could have been any organization. also, if the SGA wanted to help students with what they pay for, why don't they choose something that does affect every student and think about lowering tuition fees?
4) phasing out the band also shows what the United States education system is doing to the performance art programs and slowly eliminating them; music programs, drama programs and art programs
5)this is also a pride issue...walking on campus and seeing the words, 'no wabash,' if that happens that would be so sad, and make sporting events not has fun and something would just be lost in the atmosphere if the field or court.
6) as students, our fees to the band individually is what, not even 4 dollars, yeah in the grand scheme of things i guess 4 dollars can add up but the average student is in college for 5 years so that is 10 semesters, so that is what, 40 dollars...ok, we can pay larger fees to the football team, but we can't pay throughout our college career 40 dollars that have a major contribution to athletic events among other events the band performs at (parades, community events, concerts, etc.)
7) if the SGA passes that the phase out happens and the athletic department takes over the funding to the band, does the AD really have an obligation to the band...not really, they should, but the AD is trying to build a better football program and find another coach, is the AD really going to make the band a priority, they should, but will they?
this is why i think the SGA phasing out the funds for the band is a bad idea, i truly think the SGA is only thinking about the money and not thinking about every angle and that is the issue. are they really thinking about the future of the KSUMB and KSU as a whole with this 3 year phase out? no.
if i have missed anything or am misinformed let me know, but these are just my opinions.
11.19.2008
change
so today, has been a crappy day for an already not so great week...and it is only wednesday.
my poor roommate got her car vandalized last night, along with like 9 other cars (mine and my roommate lauren's car was spared...?) so that sucked, and the day has just been a drag, class is never fun and it just seemed that today was when everything else this week just became ridiculously overbearing, on top of that i was basically called a failure by my mother.
so, why my post is called change...there has been a lot of change this week, or i have realized a lot of change is going to happen.
yes, i am not a fan of change, but i have gotten so much better, that most change doesn't even bother me anymore, but there are some things that if they change, it is just sad...like thanksgiving and christmas.
a few months ago my mom told me (way before she told bekah or jonathan) that this year for christmas we might pick names...money issues, jonathans married, and appearently it would just make life easier---i disagree.
and because of that disagreement my mother calls me a spoiled brat, bully, childish, and she used the words, "i did not raise you like this, and if i did i did something wrong."
my mom just can't get over the fact that her daughter is an honest, blunt person, who is open to differences, and sticks up for what she believes in. yes, i have my moments of rudness and disrespect, but who doesn't, and who did i learn it from...actually, not my parents, i wish my parents were more honest about how they felt about things, i also wish they were more open about things that are different then what they believe.
so my sister calls me saying she talked to our brother and the first words she says to me are, 'just think about it,' and she goes on saying that her and jonathan would rather pick names this year, because they think it would be easier, among other reasons.
i didn't have to think about it, i think it is a silly idea, and here is why...
-no matter what, feelings are always somehow hurt
-someone got a better gift then someone else
-two people are married, and someone else gets the husband or wife and either 1) gets a gift just for the specific spouse they got(which is how it should be) and the other spouse takes it personally that it isn't for both of them, or 2) the person gets a gift that could be for the couple and not just the individual.
-no matter what, i have been to alot of these gift swaps and there is always someone upset at the end...it never fails. there is always this unspoken compitition of who can give the best gift.
so those are only some of the reasons i do not like gift exchanges. i prefer giving gifts to everyone in the family because i don't get to do it that often, and i am not sounding spoiled when i say, who doesn't like recieveing gifts, but that is only a small part. i enjoy shopping for everyone individually and thinking of something that each person wants or needs.
so i am on the phone with my mom and she is already acussing me of ruining everyones christmas with my attitude of not liking the idea of swapping names.
1st of all, i do not have the power to have that big of an affect, and it is insulting that my mother still views me as the baby who is the most spoiled, which shows she doesn't know me at all.
there are only so many christmas's left in our family that can be like when we were younger. when jonathan and heather start having kids and me and bekah get married, then yes christmas will change then when it was the 5 of us and i get that (mom doesn't get that i get that)
last christmas sucked considering there was a death in the family, and we had to move our traditional christmas eve dinner to christmas day. yeah, i wasn't thrilled, but i knew the circumstances and had to play along.
there is nothing stopping us this year from having a christmas that we are all used to. i know that the votes for swapping names is 2 to 1, i get it, so yeah, i will have to get over it, but my mom doesn't understand that i get the issue, i want her to get the issue.
this happens all the time and me and my mom are never going to agree, so when i argue with my mom i take everything with a grain of salt and don't take it personally, but tonight was way out of line.
no one shoud ever call their child, no matter what age that they are basically a failure and spoiled, when they know that i'm not. i was raised to be independent and can anyone blame me for wanting a christmas that i am used to, and knowing that christmas will soon never be the same...i really do understand, i don't think i can stress that enough. my mom knows that i am a go-with-the-flow type of person, so for her to say those things were out of line and she knows if i stick up for something or am very adement about something, there is truth to what i am saying. she in't even remembering that i was totally up for going to nashville for thanksgiving to be with bekah...if this would have been a few yesrs ago, yeah right i would have fought it right to the airport.
it is so hard to be mature and growup when everyone else still looks at you as the child, and the little sister.
when i was younger i was a brat and disrespectful and just mean, if my parents still think that of me, then what's the point, if my own mother can't see how much i have grown, that's the biggest insult of all.
it isn't even about the holidays anymore.
my poor roommate got her car vandalized last night, along with like 9 other cars (mine and my roommate lauren's car was spared...?) so that sucked, and the day has just been a drag, class is never fun and it just seemed that today was when everything else this week just became ridiculously overbearing, on top of that i was basically called a failure by my mother.
so, why my post is called change...there has been a lot of change this week, or i have realized a lot of change is going to happen.
yes, i am not a fan of change, but i have gotten so much better, that most change doesn't even bother me anymore, but there are some things that if they change, it is just sad...like thanksgiving and christmas.
a few months ago my mom told me (way before she told bekah or jonathan) that this year for christmas we might pick names...money issues, jonathans married, and appearently it would just make life easier---i disagree.
and because of that disagreement my mother calls me a spoiled brat, bully, childish, and she used the words, "i did not raise you like this, and if i did i did something wrong."
my mom just can't get over the fact that her daughter is an honest, blunt person, who is open to differences, and sticks up for what she believes in. yes, i have my moments of rudness and disrespect, but who doesn't, and who did i learn it from...actually, not my parents, i wish my parents were more honest about how they felt about things, i also wish they were more open about things that are different then what they believe.
so my sister calls me saying she talked to our brother and the first words she says to me are, 'just think about it,' and she goes on saying that her and jonathan would rather pick names this year, because they think it would be easier, among other reasons.
i didn't have to think about it, i think it is a silly idea, and here is why...
-no matter what, feelings are always somehow hurt
-someone got a better gift then someone else
-two people are married, and someone else gets the husband or wife and either 1) gets a gift just for the specific spouse they got(which is how it should be) and the other spouse takes it personally that it isn't for both of them, or 2) the person gets a gift that could be for the couple and not just the individual.
-no matter what, i have been to alot of these gift swaps and there is always someone upset at the end...it never fails. there is always this unspoken compitition of who can give the best gift.
so those are only some of the reasons i do not like gift exchanges. i prefer giving gifts to everyone in the family because i don't get to do it that often, and i am not sounding spoiled when i say, who doesn't like recieveing gifts, but that is only a small part. i enjoy shopping for everyone individually and thinking of something that each person wants or needs.
so i am on the phone with my mom and she is already acussing me of ruining everyones christmas with my attitude of not liking the idea of swapping names.
1st of all, i do not have the power to have that big of an affect, and it is insulting that my mother still views me as the baby who is the most spoiled, which shows she doesn't know me at all.
there are only so many christmas's left in our family that can be like when we were younger. when jonathan and heather start having kids and me and bekah get married, then yes christmas will change then when it was the 5 of us and i get that (mom doesn't get that i get that)
last christmas sucked considering there was a death in the family, and we had to move our traditional christmas eve dinner to christmas day. yeah, i wasn't thrilled, but i knew the circumstances and had to play along.
there is nothing stopping us this year from having a christmas that we are all used to. i know that the votes for swapping names is 2 to 1, i get it, so yeah, i will have to get over it, but my mom doesn't understand that i get the issue, i want her to get the issue.
this happens all the time and me and my mom are never going to agree, so when i argue with my mom i take everything with a grain of salt and don't take it personally, but tonight was way out of line.
no one shoud ever call their child, no matter what age that they are basically a failure and spoiled, when they know that i'm not. i was raised to be independent and can anyone blame me for wanting a christmas that i am used to, and knowing that christmas will soon never be the same...i really do understand, i don't think i can stress that enough. my mom knows that i am a go-with-the-flow type of person, so for her to say those things were out of line and she knows if i stick up for something or am very adement about something, there is truth to what i am saying. she in't even remembering that i was totally up for going to nashville for thanksgiving to be with bekah...if this would have been a few yesrs ago, yeah right i would have fought it right to the airport.
it is so hard to be mature and growup when everyone else still looks at you as the child, and the little sister.
when i was younger i was a brat and disrespectful and just mean, if my parents still think that of me, then what's the point, if my own mother can't see how much i have grown, that's the biggest insult of all.
it isn't even about the holidays anymore.
11.13.2008
friend one, friend two
so lately i have been really distracted.
whether it be with roommate tiffs (which are now settled) or thinking about a specific friend...or two, and doubting myself and where i am going to be in the months to come.
i just haven't been able to focus, and i have almost fallen into a state of mind that is all to familiar from years past.
like today...i said maybe 10 sentences the entire day.
i just wasn't in the mood to talk, or see anyone, one friend to be exact.
i do this thing where if i find myself getting to close to someone i start distancing myself, and i have been doing this for like the past week, and it sucks, because what am i afraid of? this person isn't going to hurt me, or leave me, or no longer be my friend, but this friend knows everything about me, and i mean everything.
this particular friend isn't the first this has happened too.
last year i did it to two people who would walk through fire for me...why? i was afraid of them...why? i don't know, maybe because they know me so well, that they can see right through me?
so this friend now...am i afraid of them? i don't think so.
so what could be the problem?
i have this other friend, who i have been distancing myself from for months, but i know why...i am preparing myself for when they are no longer here...this person is sick, and their mind is on a different planet, and deep down, i just really really really miss my friend, i miss their humor, and wittiness, i miss their spunk and love for life, but this disease that has taken over their body has just transformed their brain into a completely different human being.
distancing myself from this person, i am preparing myself for the worst, but that isn't what i should be doing.
does distancing myself mean i am losing hope in the battle of this person and their sickness? yes, it does, and that is the worst thing that i can do as a best friend...i love this person, i adore this person and i am so sad, and at the same time i am so angry at them, does this person realize how they affect the people around them, especially their two best friends...no they don't and that is so aggravating.
i am not being selfish right now, and i am not putting myself before them, but this sickness has been going on for years, and i don't know what to do anymore. this person will always be my best friend, but they don't return my phone calls, or act like they want to talk to me, they have become self-absorbed, their conversations are only on the surface, nothing we say to each other is real.
as for my first friend that i mentioned...i'm not sure where i stand when it comes to me distancing myself from them, but it has been a slow process and i am just now figuring out that, that is what i have been doing for the past few weeks...pushing them away.
through this search i have learned a few things the past few weeks.
-their is a difference between being confrontational and telling someone how you feel.
-God puts people in our lives and not always to be our friend, but to show us a lesson.
-history does repeat itself, because every year around this time, i start feeling this way...lonely, sad, irrelevant to my friends around me, which i know isn't true, i have some of the best friends anyone could ask for, but the feelings are still there.
-sometimes being right about a situation, makes you look like the bad guy
but through these lessons, what have i truely learned? i am still distancing myself from these two people who know me better then anyone else ever.
the first friend at the begining of the post is strong, determined, loving, comforting, encouraging, understanding, shows grace and mercy, and shows their friendship unlike anyone else.
my second friend is beautiful, vibrant, extroverted, and joyful, but is becoming frail, blinded and weak, and is in fact losing the battle.
so, what do i do? a girl who is pushing the two people who love me most. one has done nothing to derserve my coldness, but knows me well enough, that this is what i do.
and the other also does not derserve my coldness either, but is showing their coldness towards me, and is losing faith in themself.
whether it be with roommate tiffs (which are now settled) or thinking about a specific friend...or two, and doubting myself and where i am going to be in the months to come.
i just haven't been able to focus, and i have almost fallen into a state of mind that is all to familiar from years past.
like today...i said maybe 10 sentences the entire day.
i just wasn't in the mood to talk, or see anyone, one friend to be exact.
i do this thing where if i find myself getting to close to someone i start distancing myself, and i have been doing this for like the past week, and it sucks, because what am i afraid of? this person isn't going to hurt me, or leave me, or no longer be my friend, but this friend knows everything about me, and i mean everything.
this particular friend isn't the first this has happened too.
last year i did it to two people who would walk through fire for me...why? i was afraid of them...why? i don't know, maybe because they know me so well, that they can see right through me?
so this friend now...am i afraid of them? i don't think so.
so what could be the problem?
i have this other friend, who i have been distancing myself from for months, but i know why...i am preparing myself for when they are no longer here...this person is sick, and their mind is on a different planet, and deep down, i just really really really miss my friend, i miss their humor, and wittiness, i miss their spunk and love for life, but this disease that has taken over their body has just transformed their brain into a completely different human being.
distancing myself from this person, i am preparing myself for the worst, but that isn't what i should be doing.
does distancing myself mean i am losing hope in the battle of this person and their sickness? yes, it does, and that is the worst thing that i can do as a best friend...i love this person, i adore this person and i am so sad, and at the same time i am so angry at them, does this person realize how they affect the people around them, especially their two best friends...no they don't and that is so aggravating.
i am not being selfish right now, and i am not putting myself before them, but this sickness has been going on for years, and i don't know what to do anymore. this person will always be my best friend, but they don't return my phone calls, or act like they want to talk to me, they have become self-absorbed, their conversations are only on the surface, nothing we say to each other is real.
as for my first friend that i mentioned...i'm not sure where i stand when it comes to me distancing myself from them, but it has been a slow process and i am just now figuring out that, that is what i have been doing for the past few weeks...pushing them away.
through this search i have learned a few things the past few weeks.
-their is a difference between being confrontational and telling someone how you feel.
-God puts people in our lives and not always to be our friend, but to show us a lesson.
-history does repeat itself, because every year around this time, i start feeling this way...lonely, sad, irrelevant to my friends around me, which i know isn't true, i have some of the best friends anyone could ask for, but the feelings are still there.
-sometimes being right about a situation, makes you look like the bad guy
but through these lessons, what have i truely learned? i am still distancing myself from these two people who know me better then anyone else ever.
the first friend at the begining of the post is strong, determined, loving, comforting, encouraging, understanding, shows grace and mercy, and shows their friendship unlike anyone else.
my second friend is beautiful, vibrant, extroverted, and joyful, but is becoming frail, blinded and weak, and is in fact losing the battle.
so, what do i do? a girl who is pushing the two people who love me most. one has done nothing to derserve my coldness, but knows me well enough, that this is what i do.
and the other also does not derserve my coldness either, but is showing their coldness towards me, and is losing faith in themself.
10.22.2008
appreciation for the ones i love
you want to know what i have started to really appreciate...when people say the following or do the following...
...'how was your day?' (and really mean it)
i have already made a post about this sentence, but someone could either have a really good day or a really crappy day, and i love this question because if someone is having an awesome day, we have given them a chance to talk and given them attention and almost boast about the wonderful day they had. we can also give them a chance to vent, which is definitely needed every once in awhile. i love coming home and asking this question and then receiving it back, it just helps me and my roommates just go through our day and almost detox.
...taking risks.
okay, i am not much of a risk taker, but i'm getting better and what is the point to life if we don't take risks; skydiving, giving a boy your number, sticking up for what we believe in, etc.
seeing someone taking a risk is inspiring, seeing that they have confidence and great self-esteem, will help others build the same confidence and self-esteem to start taking risks.
of course taking risks do come with, well, some risks...like skydiving, could potentially be life threatening. giving a boy your number could not end with the results one would like, and sticking up for something we believe in could have a loss in friends, an arrest, etc. but when taking a risk we cannot think of the bad things that could possibly happen we have to think of the positive and if that doesn't happen, let it go and realize taking a risk can be exhilarating and exciting and is more knowing the confidence it took to take the risk in the first place.
... telling someone thank you and there being no sarcastic comment or funny anecdote to lighten the mood.
it is so nice to tell a friend thank you and have them say, 1)thank you for saying thank you and 2)saying your welcome (which i don't hear that often) our generation i feel just doesn't really say it.
recently i went to a friend who probably did the best thing a friend could do, and it was nice knowing that i was honoring him and acknowledging something he did.
...When someone does something with no reason at all just to be nice.
i know people do nice things for people all the time, it isn't out of the ordinary, but why i have been noticing this is because i have the best roommates in the world.
i love simple gestures; doing the dishes, bring a friend a coffee, paying for something for a friend, giving a ride, loaning a book, a pen, anything. it just makes someone's day, knowing that we are loved.
i have been noticing these things not just because i see my friends doing this with the people around them, but i have been really trying to do these things, not out of routine, but because i want my friends to feel loved and just try to make their lives easier and more fun, which brings me to a thing that kind of irritates me...
...doing a nice thing for someone and them not really appreciating it
for example, it was recently my friends birthday and my present isn't complex, but it involves a little gift everyday for the age he is, and it was only the second day when my friend says, 'you don't really have to do this, you can stop anytime.' it kinda made me sad, 1) i am not giving him his gift because i have to, i am doing it because i want to and he's my friend, and 2)i know secretly he appreciates the gesture, but could he show it just a little bit.
this makes me sound like i am a saint, or i am doing nice things for my own well being, and yeah, i have to agree with the FRIENDS episode where Phoebe and Joey argue if there are such things as selfless deeds, because there is a little beit of selfish ambition in everything, but i am just trying to not do things not because it is what is suppose to be done, but because i want to show appreciation to my friends and make them feel good about themselves.
...'how was your day?' (and really mean it)
i have already made a post about this sentence, but someone could either have a really good day or a really crappy day, and i love this question because if someone is having an awesome day, we have given them a chance to talk and given them attention and almost boast about the wonderful day they had. we can also give them a chance to vent, which is definitely needed every once in awhile. i love coming home and asking this question and then receiving it back, it just helps me and my roommates just go through our day and almost detox.
...taking risks.
okay, i am not much of a risk taker, but i'm getting better and what is the point to life if we don't take risks; skydiving, giving a boy your number, sticking up for what we believe in, etc.
seeing someone taking a risk is inspiring, seeing that they have confidence and great self-esteem, will help others build the same confidence and self-esteem to start taking risks.
of course taking risks do come with, well, some risks...like skydiving, could potentially be life threatening. giving a boy your number could not end with the results one would like, and sticking up for something we believe in could have a loss in friends, an arrest, etc. but when taking a risk we cannot think of the bad things that could possibly happen we have to think of the positive and if that doesn't happen, let it go and realize taking a risk can be exhilarating and exciting and is more knowing the confidence it took to take the risk in the first place.
... telling someone thank you and there being no sarcastic comment or funny anecdote to lighten the mood.
it is so nice to tell a friend thank you and have them say, 1)thank you for saying thank you and 2)saying your welcome (which i don't hear that often) our generation i feel just doesn't really say it.
recently i went to a friend who probably did the best thing a friend could do, and it was nice knowing that i was honoring him and acknowledging something he did.
...When someone does something with no reason at all just to be nice.
i know people do nice things for people all the time, it isn't out of the ordinary, but why i have been noticing this is because i have the best roommates in the world.
i love simple gestures; doing the dishes, bring a friend a coffee, paying for something for a friend, giving a ride, loaning a book, a pen, anything. it just makes someone's day, knowing that we are loved.
i have been noticing these things not just because i see my friends doing this with the people around them, but i have been really trying to do these things, not out of routine, but because i want my friends to feel loved and just try to make their lives easier and more fun, which brings me to a thing that kind of irritates me...
...doing a nice thing for someone and them not really appreciating it
for example, it was recently my friends birthday and my present isn't complex, but it involves a little gift everyday for the age he is, and it was only the second day when my friend says, 'you don't really have to do this, you can stop anytime.' it kinda made me sad, 1) i am not giving him his gift because i have to, i am doing it because i want to and he's my friend, and 2)i know secretly he appreciates the gesture, but could he show it just a little bit.
this makes me sound like i am a saint, or i am doing nice things for my own well being, and yeah, i have to agree with the FRIENDS episode where Phoebe and Joey argue if there are such things as selfless deeds, because there is a little beit of selfish ambition in everything, but i am just trying to not do things not because it is what is suppose to be done, but because i want to show appreciation to my friends and make them feel good about themselves.
10.12.2008
phelps makes my heart hurt
so last week i went to a protest that involved fred phelps going against the community of manhattan...mainly k-state students.
the play that provoked this protest was, 'the laramie project,' the story of a teenage boy who was murdered in 1998 because he was gay, ironically the phelps protested the boys funeral, and now they were protesting the play.
i went to east stadium hoping to get a ticket at the door, i should have known it was going to sell out, but i thought i would give it a shot. i wasn't able to snag a ticket, so i went to go check out the protest happening on the corner of anderson and denison.
there were like 40+ manhattan residents and like 15 people on the phelps side. i thought that was hilarious, and fred phelps wasn't even there, he sends his wife to do the dirty work.
i thought this was funny because there is so much talk about phelpes and his protests...which i disagree with whole-heartdly, but this protest is really important to the phelps and there were only 15 people...could fred be losing steam?
i spent about 45 minutes at the protest running into some classmates and really watching what was happening, the posters cheryl phelps was holding were astonishing, and confusing, she was singing songs that i did not know, she was screaming at the top of her lungs, and no one was listening to her, just making fun of her as they drove by.
at this point tears were coming to my eyes when i read the poster 'God is your enemy,' i just don't understand, her husband is a minister, he knows the bible...at least i think he does, how can they hold posters that say, 'God is your enemy,' or 'God hates fags,' because God does not preach hate, or posters like, 'God hates america,' i just i don't understand. my heart just started hurting for her
i had to keep telling myself, if i don't want them to judge me, i cannot judge them. I do not believe that God is working in them, God would not have humans telling other humans that he hates us. some would say, 'they do that because they think they are doing Gods work.' telling us God hates us is not doing Gods work, it's doing the oppisite.
i also had to keep reminding myself, i do not know fred phelps heart, his wifes heart, and all the other protesters hearts, i do not know were they stand with their christianity, if they are chrisians. i just have too remember that God is love and he would never want me to think that he hates me.
i wish the phelps would go away. i would also like someone to finally stand up to them, people have tried and some have succeeded, but the love of Christ has still not gotten through to them, which makes me ask...how can they think they are Christians?
i am angry because they make me look bad, they make my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ look bad, and that's not okay with me.
i am also a little angry that the phelps are all talk, they say they are going to protest anything they disagree with, which again i am not okay with, but phelps; if you are going to say you are going to be somewhere, don't send your posse to do your work for you and don't half-ass it, go big or go home, and because you haven't been doing that, i think you are finally realizing what you are doing is wrong.
the play that provoked this protest was, 'the laramie project,' the story of a teenage boy who was murdered in 1998 because he was gay, ironically the phelps protested the boys funeral, and now they were protesting the play.
i went to east stadium hoping to get a ticket at the door, i should have known it was going to sell out, but i thought i would give it a shot. i wasn't able to snag a ticket, so i went to go check out the protest happening on the corner of anderson and denison.
there were like 40+ manhattan residents and like 15 people on the phelps side. i thought that was hilarious, and fred phelps wasn't even there, he sends his wife to do the dirty work.
i thought this was funny because there is so much talk about phelpes and his protests...which i disagree with whole-heartdly, but this protest is really important to the phelps and there were only 15 people...could fred be losing steam?
i spent about 45 minutes at the protest running into some classmates and really watching what was happening, the posters cheryl phelps was holding were astonishing, and confusing, she was singing songs that i did not know, she was screaming at the top of her lungs, and no one was listening to her, just making fun of her as they drove by.
at this point tears were coming to my eyes when i read the poster 'God is your enemy,' i just don't understand, her husband is a minister, he knows the bible...at least i think he does, how can they hold posters that say, 'God is your enemy,' or 'God hates fags,' because God does not preach hate, or posters like, 'God hates america,' i just i don't understand. my heart just started hurting for her
i had to keep telling myself, if i don't want them to judge me, i cannot judge them. I do not believe that God is working in them, God would not have humans telling other humans that he hates us. some would say, 'they do that because they think they are doing Gods work.' telling us God hates us is not doing Gods work, it's doing the oppisite.
i also had to keep reminding myself, i do not know fred phelps heart, his wifes heart, and all the other protesters hearts, i do not know were they stand with their christianity, if they are chrisians. i just have too remember that God is love and he would never want me to think that he hates me.
i wish the phelps would go away. i would also like someone to finally stand up to them, people have tried and some have succeeded, but the love of Christ has still not gotten through to them, which makes me ask...how can they think they are Christians?
i am angry because they make me look bad, they make my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ look bad, and that's not okay with me.
i am also a little angry that the phelps are all talk, they say they are going to protest anything they disagree with, which again i am not okay with, but phelps; if you are going to say you are going to be somewhere, don't send your posse to do your work for you and don't half-ass it, go big or go home, and because you haven't been doing that, i think you are finally realizing what you are doing is wrong.
9.26.2008
flames
as i stood to the side, i could see everything.
cooper searching for wood with his cell phone for light, making sure the flames wouldn't burn out.
students in clumps praying for each other for whatever sin was plaguing them.
three Godly men connecting arm to shoulder to worship Jesus.
a couple going into the darkness to pray for one another.
a man sobbing in the arms of a friend for comfort.
students sitting in silence while the stars sparkle, listening to water hitting the rocks, the fire crackling, and the whispers of prayers.
sitting in our thoughts, music was playing, thoughts were stirring in our heads and Jesus was stirring in our hearts.
while i was looking all around me, and observing people's actions i couldn't help but love the lights in the distance and the sounds of the cars from the highway.
out of all Gods creation, and out of all the man-made objects, a group of college students can go to a bonfire, forget everything that is going on around them, look up into the stars and slow down.
given the chance to write anything we have been struggling with on a piece of plywood and throwing it into the fire, we were also able to say what we wrote out loud and share it with the people around us.
how often is it that college students can have an experience that forces them to slow down and just feel the presence of God?
with all the seriousness and silence, God gave us chances to laugh and smile and be filled with joy.
clapping in unison to worship, people missing their steps in the rocks and sand, Jesus showed the group his humor and proved when it comes to worshiping him, it does not need to always be an emotional high, but something we crave for everyday.
as i was standing to the side, i figured out my purpose of the night was to watch peoples actions, it showed me there are so many stories, so many pasts and futures to come, so many differences with one connection...Jesus..i already knew that, but it never really came alive in my eyes until tonight.
with what i wrote on my piece of wood, was love, i need to love God full-heartedly, and i haven't.
this girl named nicole came up to me and said, 'can we pray?' and the words she said could not have been more perfect, she verbalized what i had wrote.
God is amazing, and loving and wants me, he never needs me, and that is way cool.
cooper searching for wood with his cell phone for light, making sure the flames wouldn't burn out.
students in clumps praying for each other for whatever sin was plaguing them.
three Godly men connecting arm to shoulder to worship Jesus.
a couple going into the darkness to pray for one another.
a man sobbing in the arms of a friend for comfort.
students sitting in silence while the stars sparkle, listening to water hitting the rocks, the fire crackling, and the whispers of prayers.
sitting in our thoughts, music was playing, thoughts were stirring in our heads and Jesus was stirring in our hearts.
while i was looking all around me, and observing people's actions i couldn't help but love the lights in the distance and the sounds of the cars from the highway.
out of all Gods creation, and out of all the man-made objects, a group of college students can go to a bonfire, forget everything that is going on around them, look up into the stars and slow down.
given the chance to write anything we have been struggling with on a piece of plywood and throwing it into the fire, we were also able to say what we wrote out loud and share it with the people around us.
how often is it that college students can have an experience that forces them to slow down and just feel the presence of God?
with all the seriousness and silence, God gave us chances to laugh and smile and be filled with joy.
clapping in unison to worship, people missing their steps in the rocks and sand, Jesus showed the group his humor and proved when it comes to worshiping him, it does not need to always be an emotional high, but something we crave for everyday.
as i was standing to the side, i figured out my purpose of the night was to watch peoples actions, it showed me there are so many stories, so many pasts and futures to come, so many differences with one connection...Jesus..i already knew that, but it never really came alive in my eyes until tonight.
with what i wrote on my piece of wood, was love, i need to love God full-heartedly, and i haven't.
this girl named nicole came up to me and said, 'can we pray?' and the words she said could not have been more perfect, she verbalized what i had wrote.
God is amazing, and loving and wants me, he never needs me, and that is way cool.
9.23.2008
1 year sober
it has been one year this october since the act of self-injury consumed my life.
going a year without an addiction i have had for 8 years is really crazy to think about. and it is still an addiction somewhat, because it is still in my thoughts.
a year ago saturday i probably did the worst i had ever done.
i had so much crap happening in my life that i didn't know how to handle it, and i stumbled just for a moment.
i was trying to figure out where i fit in at my new school, i had to make new friends, my three best friends had stuff going on and it was impossible to talk to them because we had four completely different lives, my best friend in the world was in the hospital, while my other two best friends where rocking at life at their schools, and i thought i was being left behind.
the next morning i quit cold turkey, not realizing the night before changed the remainder of my year.
going through training to be a leader in a ministry that is true and dear to my heart and practically saved my life in high school. i was told i was no longer fit to be a leader. judged for who i used to be and not taken for who i am, i realized the head leaders of this organization knew nothing about the addiction of self-injury, they kept comparing the recovery process to the recovery of AA...in AA there are meetings, there is no such thing as a weekly meeting for self-injurers.
these two did not take me for who i am and what i had accomplished, going 6 months sober, i decided they didn't deserve me.
having come to grips with losing an experience that would have helped me fulfill my purpose in glorifying God, i went the rest of the semester learning how to see every side of every situation, and never judging anyone by there past, but getting to know them for who they were at the time i met them, and taking them for who they are at that moment.
i succeeded in school, but lost an amazing opportunity to serve at a church that would have stretched me to my farthest limit, because of words that were said between my references and the lack of trust these leaders had in me.
i was able to lead at my home church where i got to hangout with the coolest of cool 6th graders and spend time with the people who love me and who i rarely get to see.
now that it is almost october this last year has been a roller coaster of events, from losing opportunities but gaining friendships for a lifetime, proof that i am a great leader, and that God put me in manhattan to learn these specific lessons.
what happened with the ministry that didn't take me was wrong and should never have happened in the way it did, and yeah, it still makes me angry that i have to miss out on getting to show middle schoolers the Lord, but that experience also showed me the only way to gain ones trust is to love them no matter what their past holds, what experiences they have been through, and how they became the person they are today.
i have gone one year without cutting, the longest without stumbling and i have four main people to thank...Jesus, of course, nick greusel and katie pooler for being there that night...you two have no idea, and sam creager, for being the best friend he can be and always being a phone call away.
i never thought i would get over this crazy thing called cutting but i have something so much more fulfilling and satisfying that i had a year ago, but couldn't quite grasp and that is God's love.
there is no fear in love; but perfect love cast's out fear, because fear involves torment. but he who fears has not been made perfect in love, we love because God first loved us.- I john 4:18-19
going a year without an addiction i have had for 8 years is really crazy to think about. and it is still an addiction somewhat, because it is still in my thoughts.
a year ago saturday i probably did the worst i had ever done.
i had so much crap happening in my life that i didn't know how to handle it, and i stumbled just for a moment.
i was trying to figure out where i fit in at my new school, i had to make new friends, my three best friends had stuff going on and it was impossible to talk to them because we had four completely different lives, my best friend in the world was in the hospital, while my other two best friends where rocking at life at their schools, and i thought i was being left behind.
the next morning i quit cold turkey, not realizing the night before changed the remainder of my year.
going through training to be a leader in a ministry that is true and dear to my heart and practically saved my life in high school. i was told i was no longer fit to be a leader. judged for who i used to be and not taken for who i am, i realized the head leaders of this organization knew nothing about the addiction of self-injury, they kept comparing the recovery process to the recovery of AA...in AA there are meetings, there is no such thing as a weekly meeting for self-injurers.
these two did not take me for who i am and what i had accomplished, going 6 months sober, i decided they didn't deserve me.
having come to grips with losing an experience that would have helped me fulfill my purpose in glorifying God, i went the rest of the semester learning how to see every side of every situation, and never judging anyone by there past, but getting to know them for who they were at the time i met them, and taking them for who they are at that moment.
i succeeded in school, but lost an amazing opportunity to serve at a church that would have stretched me to my farthest limit, because of words that were said between my references and the lack of trust these leaders had in me.
i was able to lead at my home church where i got to hangout with the coolest of cool 6th graders and spend time with the people who love me and who i rarely get to see.
now that it is almost october this last year has been a roller coaster of events, from losing opportunities but gaining friendships for a lifetime, proof that i am a great leader, and that God put me in manhattan to learn these specific lessons.
what happened with the ministry that didn't take me was wrong and should never have happened in the way it did, and yeah, it still makes me angry that i have to miss out on getting to show middle schoolers the Lord, but that experience also showed me the only way to gain ones trust is to love them no matter what their past holds, what experiences they have been through, and how they became the person they are today.
i have gone one year without cutting, the longest without stumbling and i have four main people to thank...Jesus, of course, nick greusel and katie pooler for being there that night...you two have no idea, and sam creager, for being the best friend he can be and always being a phone call away.
i never thought i would get over this crazy thing called cutting but i have something so much more fulfilling and satisfying that i had a year ago, but couldn't quite grasp and that is God's love.
there is no fear in love; but perfect love cast's out fear, because fear involves torment. but he who fears has not been made perfect in love, we love because God first loved us.- I john 4:18-19
9.21.2008
roger creager...i apologize
tonight could not have been a more frustrating night.
about a week ago, i get a call from my friend liz who lives in nashville and is a publicist.
she tells me that one of her artists is playing aggiefest at longhorn saloon, 10pm, saturday night...will you cover him?
i say, 'that would be fine, i live with the edge editor anyway, i will pitch the idea, but it shouldn't be a problem.'
i get the okay from my roommate and the process begins.
it is not a foreign process considering i covered the entire festival last year.
i get an interview with roger creager during the week on the phone just to get a little information on how he found out about the festival, what his new cd is like, so on and so forth.
the week before aggiefest was great. besides the phone interview, i had shielded myself from all that is roger creager. i wanted to have no biases, no anything when i covered him saturday night.
it is now saturday, knowing i have to be at longhorns by 9:45 to make sure i can get a brief interview after the show.
i show up, get id'd, get the permanent mark on my hand showing the world that i am not 21 and am then told to come back at 1:30.
now, that is not that big of deal, i don't care at all to come back at 1:30... it is actually better for roger, because so many people with be at the bar at 1:30.
i have time to kill so i go over to a friends house forcing myself to stay awake when it hits 1:00 and have to start heading to aggieville.
as of right now, this whole later time thing is not a big deal.
one of the security guys says, 'follow me darl'n lets go find roger?' i'm thinking he has 10 minutes he should be on stage or in the back, how hard will it be to find him?
nope, i follow the security guy to the the street where rogers tour bus is.
starting to get confused, i think oh, maybe he is just taking a breather.
remember when i said i shielded myself of all that is roger creager so i could get a really great first impression.
the security guy says troy (rogers manager) will be on the bus and you can talk to him.
i get on the tour bus and i say, 'hello, emily sterk, k-state collegian," and he responds, 'hey, we talked on the phone."
i talked to both troy and roger on the phone.
so, my first question was, 'what are your predictions for tonights show?'
he looked at me like i was the biggest idiot ever and said, 'what?'
i respond with 'roger right, not troy? you go on at 1:30 right?'
he comes back with, 'we already performed.'
and i was like, 'what, what time? the manager said to come back at 1:30 to meet roger.'
he said he went on at 11:30.
then i asked, 'when did you get done?'
'about 15 minutes ago.'
i realize the manager told me to come back at 1:30 to interview roger, not see his show.
so looking like someone who has no idea what they were doing, i explained why i was here at 1:30 and not 11:30...i was never told to come at 11:30
then the interview went on a little smoother and i told him, that i will listen to his myspace page and review his cd on there.
he should not be jeopardized by the lack of communication between me and longhorns.
throughout the whole interview, still feeling like the biggest most irresponsible loser, i realize this is not my fault. i was told all week from 3 reliable sources roger creager would go on at 10, then the security guy tells me to come at 1:30...i can see why people would think i could get 11:30 and 1:30 mixed up, but i didn't.
when i got there the security guy wasn't surprised that i was 'late', knew exactly where to take me and knew exactly why i was there, so yeah he said 1:30.
the interview was over, and i apologized multiple times to roger about the miss communication, and said that i will definitely listen to his cd and definitely make it to his next show!
i have listened to his cd and it is the bomb...not being a country fan, and not being very cultured in country music, i did not want to stop listening.
so, roger creager...i am so so so sorry about the ridiculous, silly errors that happened tonight, but you are getting a great review out of me.
about a week ago, i get a call from my friend liz who lives in nashville and is a publicist.
she tells me that one of her artists is playing aggiefest at longhorn saloon, 10pm, saturday night...will you cover him?
i say, 'that would be fine, i live with the edge editor anyway, i will pitch the idea, but it shouldn't be a problem.'
i get the okay from my roommate and the process begins.
it is not a foreign process considering i covered the entire festival last year.
i get an interview with roger creager during the week on the phone just to get a little information on how he found out about the festival, what his new cd is like, so on and so forth.
the week before aggiefest was great. besides the phone interview, i had shielded myself from all that is roger creager. i wanted to have no biases, no anything when i covered him saturday night.
it is now saturday, knowing i have to be at longhorns by 9:45 to make sure i can get a brief interview after the show.
i show up, get id'd, get the permanent mark on my hand showing the world that i am not 21 and am then told to come back at 1:30.
now, that is not that big of deal, i don't care at all to come back at 1:30... it is actually better for roger, because so many people with be at the bar at 1:30.
i have time to kill so i go over to a friends house forcing myself to stay awake when it hits 1:00 and have to start heading to aggieville.
as of right now, this whole later time thing is not a big deal.
one of the security guys says, 'follow me darl'n lets go find roger?' i'm thinking he has 10 minutes he should be on stage or in the back, how hard will it be to find him?
nope, i follow the security guy to the the street where rogers tour bus is.
starting to get confused, i think oh, maybe he is just taking a breather.
remember when i said i shielded myself of all that is roger creager so i could get a really great first impression.
the security guy says troy (rogers manager) will be on the bus and you can talk to him.
i get on the tour bus and i say, 'hello, emily sterk, k-state collegian," and he responds, 'hey, we talked on the phone."
i talked to both troy and roger on the phone.
so, my first question was, 'what are your predictions for tonights show?'
he looked at me like i was the biggest idiot ever and said, 'what?'
i respond with 'roger right, not troy? you go on at 1:30 right?'
he comes back with, 'we already performed.'
and i was like, 'what, what time? the manager said to come back at 1:30 to meet roger.'
he said he went on at 11:30.
then i asked, 'when did you get done?'
'about 15 minutes ago.'
i realize the manager told me to come back at 1:30 to interview roger, not see his show.
so looking like someone who has no idea what they were doing, i explained why i was here at 1:30 and not 11:30...i was never told to come at 11:30
then the interview went on a little smoother and i told him, that i will listen to his myspace page and review his cd on there.
he should not be jeopardized by the lack of communication between me and longhorns.
throughout the whole interview, still feeling like the biggest most irresponsible loser, i realize this is not my fault. i was told all week from 3 reliable sources roger creager would go on at 10, then the security guy tells me to come at 1:30...i can see why people would think i could get 11:30 and 1:30 mixed up, but i didn't.
when i got there the security guy wasn't surprised that i was 'late', knew exactly where to take me and knew exactly why i was there, so yeah he said 1:30.
the interview was over, and i apologized multiple times to roger about the miss communication, and said that i will definitely listen to his cd and definitely make it to his next show!
i have listened to his cd and it is the bomb...not being a country fan, and not being very cultured in country music, i did not want to stop listening.
so, roger creager...i am so so so sorry about the ridiculous, silly errors that happened tonight, but you are getting a great review out of me.
9.20.2008
the title
why did i call my blog clumsy faith?
when i was asked the question, if you could write a book about yourself, what would you name it?
i responded with, clumsy faith.
but why did i come up with that answer?
i have been a Christian for about 8 years, and i have been nothing but clumsy with my relationship with Christ. i make silly decisions, don't apologize, judge, stereotype, get mad at God first, before anything else, and i don't put full trust in him.
i am clumsy, and yes we are human, we make mistakes, but through all this clumsiness, i have never lost faith in Jesus, another phrase for clumsy faith, could also be blind faith.
i like to doubt, and think the worst in situations, i don't want to get my hopes up in the case i might get disappointed.
but out of all the words in the English language why did i choose the word clumsy?
it goes back to the song, clumsy by our lady peace.
there could not be a more perfect song to define me.
Throw away the radio
Suitcase...Keeps you awake
Hide the telephone, the telephone
Telephone in case...You realize that
Sometimes your just not OK
You level out, level out, level out
It's not alright now...You need to understand
There's nothing strange out this
You need to know your friends...You need to know that
I'll be waving my hand
Watching you drown, watching you scream, quiet or loud
And maybe you should sleep
And maybe you just need...A friend
As clumsy as you've been there's no one laughing
You will be safe in here, you will be safe in here
Throw away this very old...shoe lace
Tripped you again
Try to shrug it off, shrug it off, shrug it off
Sow the skin now
You need to understand...there's nothing fake about this
You need to let me in...watching you and
I'll be waving my hand
Watching you drown, watching you scream, no one's around
And maybe you should sleep
And maybe you just need...A friend
As clumsy has you've been, there's no one laughing
You will be safe in here, you will be safe in...
I'll be wavin my hand...Watching you drown...
Watching you scream...Quiet or loud...
And maybe you should sleep
And maybe you just need...A friend
As clumsy as you've been, there's no one laughing
You will be safe in here, you will be safe in here...Yeah
You will be safe in here...in here...Yeah
in here...Yeah...in here...Yeah...in here...Yeah
in here...Yeah....in here...Yeah
so why did i choose the word clumsy?
because every time i have been clumsy, no one has laughed and God hasn't laughed.
i need to keep my faith in him and trust that i will always be safe in his presence.
when i was asked the question, if you could write a book about yourself, what would you name it?
i responded with, clumsy faith.
but why did i come up with that answer?
i have been a Christian for about 8 years, and i have been nothing but clumsy with my relationship with Christ. i make silly decisions, don't apologize, judge, stereotype, get mad at God first, before anything else, and i don't put full trust in him.
i am clumsy, and yes we are human, we make mistakes, but through all this clumsiness, i have never lost faith in Jesus, another phrase for clumsy faith, could also be blind faith.
i like to doubt, and think the worst in situations, i don't want to get my hopes up in the case i might get disappointed.
but out of all the words in the English language why did i choose the word clumsy?
it goes back to the song, clumsy by our lady peace.
there could not be a more perfect song to define me.
Throw away the radio
Suitcase...Keeps you awake
Hide the telephone, the telephone
Telephone in case...You realize that
Sometimes your just not OK
You level out, level out, level out
It's not alright now...You need to understand
There's nothing strange out this
You need to know your friends...You need to know that
I'll be waving my hand
Watching you drown, watching you scream, quiet or loud
And maybe you should sleep
And maybe you just need...A friend
As clumsy as you've been there's no one laughing
You will be safe in here, you will be safe in here
Throw away this very old...shoe lace
Tripped you again
Try to shrug it off, shrug it off, shrug it off
Sow the skin now
You need to understand...there's nothing fake about this
You need to let me in...watching you and
I'll be waving my hand
Watching you drown, watching you scream, no one's around
And maybe you should sleep
And maybe you just need...A friend
As clumsy has you've been, there's no one laughing
You will be safe in here, you will be safe in...
I'll be wavin my hand...Watching you drown...
Watching you scream...Quiet or loud...
And maybe you should sleep
And maybe you just need...A friend
As clumsy as you've been, there's no one laughing
You will be safe in here, you will be safe in here...Yeah
You will be safe in here...in here...Yeah
in here...Yeah...in here...Yeah...in here...Yeah
in here...Yeah....in here...Yeah
so why did i choose the word clumsy?
because every time i have been clumsy, no one has laughed and God hasn't laughed.
i need to keep my faith in him and trust that i will always be safe in his presence.
9.19.2008
convienence.
lately, i have been noticing a pattern, not just with me, but with everyone.
we all ask how people are doing out of obligation, like it doesn't really matter what their answer is, we just know we have to ask the question, "how are you doing?"
not only have i noticed the tone in peoples voices and my own asking that question, i have also noticed the way the recipients answer the question; good, okay, fine, alright, etc.
we give the most convenient answer, because we know, that the person asking is asking because this phrase is always a conversation starter, but i digress.
i went out for ice cream with two of my friends, and the first words they spoke to each other where, "how was your day?" which is a great question, but it was how the question was asked, it was asked in a, 'robotic, lets just get this question out of the way,' sort of tone.
yes, some people when asking the question genuinely want to know the answer, and also depending on the person, if asked will give a real heartfelt response.
now why, can't that happen all the time...it isn't convenient.
so, when i ask the question, 'how are you doing?' i am really wanting to know the answer, because i care and i really enjoy hearing about my friends lives.
i just don't understand how a simple, loving gesture turned into a hassle, a one-word answer just to get the question over with.
we all ask how people are doing out of obligation, like it doesn't really matter what their answer is, we just know we have to ask the question, "how are you doing?"
not only have i noticed the tone in peoples voices and my own asking that question, i have also noticed the way the recipients answer the question; good, okay, fine, alright, etc.
we give the most convenient answer, because we know, that the person asking is asking because this phrase is always a conversation starter, but i digress.
i went out for ice cream with two of my friends, and the first words they spoke to each other where, "how was your day?" which is a great question, but it was how the question was asked, it was asked in a, 'robotic, lets just get this question out of the way,' sort of tone.
yes, some people when asking the question genuinely want to know the answer, and also depending on the person, if asked will give a real heartfelt response.
now why, can't that happen all the time...it isn't convenient.
so, when i ask the question, 'how are you doing?' i am really wanting to know the answer, because i care and i really enjoy hearing about my friends lives.
i just don't understand how a simple, loving gesture turned into a hassle, a one-word answer just to get the question over with.
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