part 3: knowing yourself

example three (last one i promise):
friend m and friend n have always had good boundaries with their friendship, and not only that, have been friends for most of their life. friend m understands friend n and vice versa, they understand why each other is the way they are, and are just in tune with how the other person works...this is why their boundaries are so good, they know what to talk about with each other, and how to respect the other person. but the boundary line was starting to get fuzzy because friend n was realizing how friend m works forced friend n to put their needs on the back burner. friend n realized this is not friend m's fault because friend n is the reason the friendship isn't really where they want it to be. friend m did nothing wrong, not verbalizing their life or going to friend n is not a personal vendetta towards friend n, they just don't like the attention.

basically, friend n wasn't trusting the friendship in knowing, just because friend m doesn't share all the time it isn't because they don't care. friend n didn't realize it is perfectly acceptable to ask for clarity in the friendship (redefining the boundaries). friend n also did not have faith in them self or believe they are actually important to friend m, and that is not friend m's problem.

lesson learned: knowing what our own needs are, are just as, if not more important then knowing the needs of the other person.

this is what i have learned within the past year of my life...phew.

april 14, 1912

not saying that anyone had it better then anyone else on the titanic...but know who i wouldn't want to be....going off the characters in the film.

i would not want to be one of the members of the quartet that has to play cheery uplifting music to try and distract the passengers while the boat is sinking and women and children are being separated from their husbands and fathers.

umm.

like i said, not that, that is any better. but, oh my gosh. i have seen this movie a billion and two times and i'm blown away every time.

my heart rate is rising people and my eyes aren't blinking and this freaking happened 97 years ago. wow.

'and in between pray hard'

what's that quote?

'do something everyday that scares you?'

well, can it be the same thing...it doesn't say, 'do something different everyday that scares you.'

hmmm...this is what scares me.

prayer. not just prayer, but shutting up for at least ten minutes to listen.

i mean, i can give god ten minutes of my time to listen to what he's saying right? right.

sad i know, but this will be hard.

it's so ridiculous i can't even think of a title

whenever someone tells me,

'you get everything you want.'

i want to laugh at them and then cut them out of my life, because they know absolutely nothing about me to the point they can't even relearn who i am.

it's almost comical.

i'm glad i'm refraining from bursting out into laughter.

my day

this is what i want to say:" this is not their fault, they think i know these things because of who they think i am to you. but you wouldn't know that because you don't know anything about my life right now and i don't know anything about yours. i've been kidding myself thinking we have been close friends for so long. four times, this has happened four times, what is it about me that i can't know? and the excuse, 'i forgot,' doesn't mean anything."

instead, this is what i'm thinking:

pieces by ellery: click here then go to number 6) pieces and hear a little bit of the amazing-ness!

figured it out, i should have figured it out by now

it’s nothing but a wish; we all dream of something greater

ever a doubt, if there was ever any doubt

you find out what you are, yeah, you find out sooner or later

kept my mouth shut, i should have kept my mouth shut baby
it’s nothing but trouble oh it’s had me here before
no matter what, no matter what i hear me saying
it’s never what i could have said on the other side of your door

chorus:
pieces, i’m in pieces
i’m in pieces, i’m invisible

let it all go, i should have let it all go
me and all my taking myself so seriously
enough to know, you’ve been around enough to know
i’d make a mess of plenty more if it was up to me

chorus

or am i, am i blind?
we both lied, we both mind
i won’t cry this time
i always say, i always say i’m fine
just fine, just fine

chorus

this proves this blog

individualism torn down by a conservative

"from this chart in one of our power points it just proved to me i would much rather live in europe."

'the tax is higher over there.'

"oh my gosh, we've been over this, their wages are higher so they are able to pay higher taxes. we can't do that here because our wages aren't as good...for most not all, and with really bad benefits."

'you go to a school where they teach you all this liberal sided crap.'

"it's a chart based off research of wages and work-benefits all over the world, how is that liberal?my school isn't trying to, in your words 'corrupt me,' and here's a question for you, if you are so against what they 'teach' us in these schools, why is it so important to you that we get an education? and don't forget you went to a state university also...

-pause-

or is it because i'm not like my siblings and went into a field that isn't math or business?

this is when it hit me!!!!!!

i'm in a field where they don't teach us equations and how to balance a checkbook, and you just can't handle that."

-and scene-

what i want to do is just not good enough for this person, i am barely skimming the surface of a legitimate major in their eye's.

i had an epiphany today about a relationship between me and a family member, and they have taken some digs at my major and basically called what i want to do a joke, and it is all because they are a conservative and because i went outside the box with i want to do, they just don't understand me and we have nothing in common. they are such a liar and live their life acting like they think what i'm doing is noble and kind and they cover it up with hugs and money. i would take respect over a check any day.

what a hypocrite.

interesting that most conservatives are more about individualism/capitalism...well here it is first hand (the individualism part), and this person can't even take it.

vul-ner-able. vul-ner-a-bility.

susceptible to physical or emotional injury. - freedicitionary

capable of being physically or emotionally wounded. -merriam-webster

i looked at about 10 definitions, and these two pretty much sum up all 10.

nothing good can come from being vulnerable...whether it's with a close friend or a complete stranger.

i'm done because there is absolutely no point...i learned this lesson a little too late.

be like this...please

go here

your voice was soft
it always is
thats why i thought
i'd get through this

your fingertips
light on my face
felt like a kiss
that's my mistake

i was staying up all night
had every detail memorized
i felt my edges start to slip
i said i wouldn't be like this
said i wouldn't be like this

i told you once
the braver half
who i'd become if
you ever left

the less there is
of me to show
the more i wish
you didn't know

you moved too close
for me to think
straight, and so
i let me sink

it's not your fault
i wanted to
i built the walls
i can't get through

and i apologize for
the way my eyes wont leave the floor
(repeat)

yes, i am defending taylor

last night i ranted to my friend coop about what happened to taylor swift.

here's the thing. i cannot stand her, i hate her music, her voice, her whole persona makes me want to gag.

but!!!!

what kanye did to her was absolutely, with out a doubt uncalled for.

yes, she was the least talented out of all the nominee's, but her video was cute, that's the whole point.

he ripped this girl apart, remember she's 19 years old.

that's why i feel bad for her. it's not even about her talent or who's better or worse.

a 19 year old just won her first vma (an award show that is 'technically' not even for her)...i use the word technically loosely, and this tool comes on stage and tells her she basically isn't worthy to win the award because she was up against beyonce.

he was right, but it was what he did, and how he did it.

well, beyonce won video of the year and showed major class bringing taylor back up to give her, her moment back. maybe kanye can learn something from her and that is how someone should use their fame; humbly.

all in all, kanye is a jack ass who needs to be punched in the face.

-favorite parts of the show!

1) i want to marry russell brand

2) pink had the best performance of the night...freaking amazing.

a constant plague

it's never going to change.

it's not going to go away.

that feeling of inadequacy.

feeling like a burden.

and the reason this is happening now, is i can't give people what they need, or even feel like a true friend if they don't let me in, which means they don't trust me, which in turn makes me feel unimportant in their eyes.

the hard part is believing if it is really happening, or if it is just me thinking i'm not worth it.

some friendships are because they won't let me in, others it's all me and my thoughts, but the friendships where i know i am not trusted are the ones i don't want to let go.

it is a cycle where no one wins.

i hate it. and it isn't getting better.

what i see, that they don't

riddle me this please?

have you ever seen in tv shows or movies when a character is just blatantly staring at another character...i don't mean, staring because they hate them, or have a crush on them, i mean sitting there, staring at them, reading them.

creepy right? not really.

here's the riddle...have you ever done this?

well, i will be the first to admit i have.

when i do find myself doing this ever so, not so polite 'trying to figure them out' tactic , they are the ones i think are just down right amazing. they have their shit together and are just incredible human beings.

second part of the riddle...these people i believe to be truly remarkable, don't see it in themselves. that's why i'm trying to figure them out.

i see it, i. just. see it. and whatever that 'it' is, is why i'm their friend.

but they don't see it in themselves.

and it is so sad...i don't use this word for it's true meaning often.

they have so much potential and so much going for them they are afraid to jump, afraid to take that leap.

but maybe, just maybe i'm trying to talk about something i know nothing about...yes, there are many things that i have not taken the leap because i didn't have the 'means' to do so (i will hit this later) but the leap i'm taking is; i don't have a backup plan. it's, become a therapist or...(cricket, cricket).

sometimes i defend people and the reason they don't take chances by blaming their parents influence, or their work load, when really they are their own worst enemy and harshest critic,

or! they believe they have to live up to some other persons expectations.

i understand the concept of respect and i understand the concept of being realistic, but what happened to the concept of sticking up for ourselves? what happened to the thought of anything is possible?

this is where it gets fuzzy.

remember the 'means' comment,

well, yeah, i can't do certain things because i don't have the money right now, or here's a good one, i'm a girl. i'll give an example...i stayed in a hostel for four weeks, by myself. um, no one thought i could do it because i'm a girl and it isn't safe. well i did.

those 'means' are the biggest load of crap ever. if someone wants to do something, do it.

who, really, is going to stop us?

these friends of mine are fantastic and are going to seriously change the world, but they are stuck and it is because they either have to follow what their parents tell them, finish school, or have to work so they can pay the bills. (yes, i get that these need to be taken care of)

but. what if we said this, who fucking cares?

i'm being totally serious.

i'm not saying completely defy our parents, or skip class when we know we have a test the next day.

i'm saying live life. stop being so serious all the time. and another thing, um people tell me because i'm 21 and a little girl that i don't 'get' things because i haven't experienced them(however just because i don't experience something, doesn't mean i don't understand)

this is what i'm saying, i want to experience things, but i'm holding myself back because i blame others for blaming my age.

catch 22 right?

here is my final part to this riddle.

what if! we stood up to our parents because they just don't get us?

what if! we went on that road trip?

what if! we took that unpaid internship two summers in a row?

what if! we put our heart on the line and chose the boy over the job?

sounds nice.

but, to counteract this argument...life isn't a 'what if'' situation is it?

life is a 'what is,' not a life of 'what should be.'

so, i stare at my friends and that spark, that flame, that was once there, is gone.

i just want to shake them and tell them to stop doing what everyone else tells them to do or expects them to do.

we, me included, are holding ourselves back because of what the rules of 'growing up' tells us to do. or, our parents.

what am i gonna do about it? instead of just ranting and putting my thoughts out there.

i'm going to do what i'm 'suppose' to do, but i'm gong to make my decisions based on what i want and i will consider what the people around me are telling me, i will.

but i have never been a people-pleaser and i don't plan on starting now.

people-pleasers need to figure out who they are, stick up for themselves, and just live their life.

did you figure out the riddle?

what i won't be.

why are adults so dumb?

what happens to us when we become adults?

where does the adventure go and the passion and the excitment?

and most of all, the understanding that some things can't be explained, so why question them? but, at the same time, never questioning anything that really matters.

it makes me want to scream.

they just conform....god, adults suck.

'we don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers...

we won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life'-twloha

lately i have been making some very adult, very tough, potentially heartbreaking decisions that i should never have to make and to some people i may or may not be making the 'correct' choices.

the thing about that is...the people questioning me, really no nothing about the situation i'm going through.

they only know what i tell them, but the aren't in my brain, and they don't understand my heart.

they take the view of trying to make me think differently because a new perspective can help.

not with this one.

i know i am not perfect.

i know i have messed up in a few cases, but looking at the big picture i have handled this ridiculously well.

i just need a little credit.

i need my friends to trust me and believe me that i am making the right choices, and that what this whole blog is surrounding i have been around since i was 14...i'm 21 now. that is a longtime.

yes i could be numb, i could be unemotionally detached, but ya know what? that allows me to think logically and rationally about the events happening in my life.

i have been praised by the adults in my life and how i have handled the most stressful situation in my life at this point.

what i need is encouragement from my friends and i'm not getting it.

i appreciate their input, i really do, but they need to understand i know the situation better, i have lived with it for an extremely long time.

just fucking trust me.

i don't want to start resenting people or withhold my anger, and i'm not even angry, i'm disappointed that the people i talk to most about my struggles just question everything i do.

i should and am confident in my decisions and how i am balancing my life and not getting to wrapped up in things i can't control.

i know how to show love to the person who needs it the most from their best friend because i know them, whether they see the love or not or no longer know me at all.