own the night

i want to break every rule with you.
i want to make every secret with you.
i want to experience every memory with you.
i want to find every adventure with you.
put simply...i want to live and love life with you and only you.

you and me

survival sex...ever heard of it?

so i have a project this semester for my juvenile delinquency class.

the ratio of glbt (gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgender) homeless youth to their heterosexual counterparts and the risks associated with being a homeless sexual minority.

there are two findings i have come across...

1) being a homeless sexual minority is risker...for their health, safety and well-being...duh, that's a no brainer.

2) the term 'survival sex.' no! it is not prostitution.

survival sex: exchange sex for money, food, drugs, shelter, clothing and more.
-typically not by choice-

prostitution: sex for money or drugs
-more often by choice-

now yes, these are generic definitions but you get the idea. i know some women go into prostitution for survival, but! that is not the main reason unlike survival sex.
also, survival sex is the term coined for homeless youth.

from a study of 670 homeless youth, 150 considered themselves apart of the GLB community (they did not ask about transgendered youth) of that 150 nearly half were asked to participate in survival sex compared to only 25% on the non-glb homeless youth.

wow

'take a chance, and never look back..

i graduate in may
-no, i am not scared

i did not get into the peace corps

which is totally okay because, i learned what not to do on an application.
-i'm totally down with the peace core being the guinea pig in this situation

will this semester totally kick my ass?
-yes

yet...
i feel like i am on top of the world, with still so much to learn.

god is good.

i love my life.

this is my dad

this is why i love this movie...the first 1:17 of this clip represents my dad so well.

but. shhhh...don't tell him. ;)

--this clip also represents why i love tinker bell so much...but of course, i love my dad more.

* i got one hand in my pocket and the other one's giv'n a peace sign

i apologize for not being around...

this peace corps thing is becoming very real-me
that's a good thing!-sam
it is! it is a good thing but i am... eez scary though, i used to hate that feeling of being content now that i am, i like it. it's something i'm not used to.-me

so i am in the process of possibly joining the peace corps and there has been one thing i have forgotten;
doing this makes the most sense for who i am, what i want to do in life, what i am called to do and it is the road that will help me get to where i want to be. it is the answer for starting the rest of my life.
however, can i do this? can i be isolated for two years, be away from my family? be away from my friends who i cherish? or be away from that person who loves me and who i want to be with?
then i think of all the things i won't have...possibly not being able to worship the lord like i want, wear the cloths i want, or have christmas dinner...will i be able to have skittles ever? or watch an american movie?!
i want to do this, i do! i can see myself doing this and thriving at it, it is just, there are so many variables that intertwine with this decision.
so, this is what i am going to do...go through the application process like i have been and remember that this is still a year away and not forget about the life i am living now...because right now, right this moment, i would not want to pass it up for anything.

*the pocket holds everything else in my life that i am not sure if i am ready to leave.

evolution..in the ittiest bit of a nutshell

i went to this museum last summer and it was all about evolution...

here was the sequence of what i saw!

the sun + oxygen = earth!

--this was the start--

in the creation of earth and all living there were five major extinctions…then a sixth.

round one: this is where water came into play and was found.

round two:

Continents drifted together, forests and desserts were formed

the egg!

reptiles

during this extinction plant fossils have been determined to help know which season it is.

round three:

Mmesozoic era—183 million year span

periods--triassic, jurassic, cretaceous

coming alive: mammels, flowers, dinosaurs (started as tetrapods)

one out of five dinosaurs survived

round four:

continents shifted again!

50% of marine animals were extinct

95% of land plants were extinct…mainly in the northern regions

round five:

there is now over 50% of life on earth…humans!

no more dinosaurs

period: cenozoic

now!!!

three ways to be born:

plantals

marsupials

monotrenes

mammels:

rodents, hoofed mammels, carnivorans, primates

tropical plants/life:

birds

fish

Sea and water life

lucy:

3.2 million years ago

from eastern africa

one of the first hominids

-they had larger brains, flatter faces, smaller teeth, bigger trunk and smaller limbs

homosapians

-evolved around 195,000 million years ago

--according to the field museum of chicago dna supports evolution--

ice age:

1.8 million years ago today

life looked like it does today

this is when the land between north america and south america merged

types of animals: horses, dogs, bears, elephants, panthers, deer, mice, bison, gofers, beavers, etc.

tar traps began—oil was starting to kill animals.

round six:

today

began around 10,000 years ago

humans are the cause of this mass extinction—not climate change, and no, not merging continents…but, human activity

within the past year 30,000 species have gone extinct

in about one day on average 85 species go extinct

--i think this exhibit was telling us that we all fail.--

i try

you may not be her 1st,her last,or her only. she loved before, she may love again. but if she loves you now, what else matters? she's not perfect- you aren't either, and the 2 of you may never be perfect together, but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can.

or

i may not be their 1st, their last, or only. they may have loved before, they may love again, but if they love me now, what else matters?they aren't perfect-neither am i, and the 2 of us may never be perfect together, but if we can make each other laugh, cause the other to think twice and both admit to being human and to making mistakes, i hope they hold on to me...because i will hold on to them and give me the most they can...because i will give them the most i can.

wish right now

1...it's hard for me to use the word, but it happened. i fell for you.
2...that doesn't happen in my life by the way.
3...i don't allow it to
4...you proved why

self-explanitory...

"why am i afraid to dance, i who love music and rhythm and song and laughter? why am i afraid to live, i who love life and the beauty of the flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? why am i afraid to love, i who love love?"

...no need for a title

didn't know this still happens...

i'm 22.
losing three close friends within the past five months due to stupid drama should not happen.
i'm not 14 anymore.

the past six days...all of my favorite things

this past week, i have had soooooooo many facebook statuses that i think deserve a spot in this blog.
the past six days have been in one word: nonrefundable. every minute has been insanely amazing.

starting with the first status of the week...

may 23:

one rule: work related only. no talking...no laughing, no 'i wins', no nothing! epic win today at the deli.

may 24:

these are my thoughts: "ksgdhepqotnuq304t9u3orgkj3tou nretiu30"...yeah, i don't know either.

-this night was a little tough to get through, but so incredible at the same time.


may 25:

...'yeah, be jealous, i have facebook on ma phone.'-donnie keeney

and

tonight was very much needed.

may 26:

...obviously sleeping is overrated. let me just stare at a blank black ceiling.

and

'you're looking like a tool not a bawler, you're acting like a chick, why bother? i can find someone way hotter...cause i'm done with the ways thats you've messed up'

-one part of my week that wasn't great, but hey, ke$ha knows what i'm talking about

babysitting! so longs! the park! dara's! 'tigers hate pepper, they love cinnamon!' tuttle! sonic! and all with my favorite birthday boy...happy birthday donnie keeney

may 27: his actual birthday

'lots of love too.' 'more lies.'

-yeah arrested development!

may 28:

...the last 10 minutes of my life was quite a dilemma, to get food or not to get food? then! ice cream was found in the freezer, crisis now over.

-the week started to catch up with me, haha...this was just funny.

may 29:

i have been waiting for two years to watch green street hooligans! i finally have it and still can't finish it....baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

and

wow...i am a failure

-not as dramatic as it sounds

may 30:

'it makes me happy to know none of us have a how-to guide, we're all just kinda winging it'-ps

and

loving them when they don't deserve it...not hard to do, it's loving them when they do.

-this is related to the ke$ha lyric status

but! to end this amazing roller coaster of facebook statuses i have this...

the konza!!! right now...amazing! i love rain, and donnie, and peter, and not the guy in the dark robe chasing us. aaaaand(uh) rocking out to queen! great night.

these just hit the highlights, there were so many other great parts to the week.
------------------------------------------------

'don't stop me now i'm having such a good time, i'm having a ball...'

contrary to popular belief

naturally depressed?...i think so

well, shoot.

it just won't go away

ignoring it
fighting it
moving on from it

it just keeps coming back

i think this means i am cared about...

i am a 'reserved exception.'
what does this even mean?
i honestly do not understand.

sucker

'kindness is loving people more than they deserve.'

when someone realizes this... do they stop trying, or do they keep going?..when the person obviously does not deserve anything else from you?

we have a pretty good thing going

so, you know the phrase, 'words cannot express...?'
welp, i have finally gained something...or i guess someone that i can say this sentence about.
i have been asked why we're friends, what i like about them, or what makes us click and i for the life of me cannot give a concrete answer.
yes! i can ramble on and on about this person trying to collect my thoughts, but really! i have nothing to say that can even give our friendship justice.
i honestly don't know how i feel about this because usually people can talk about their friends and have so many amazing things to say, which i can, but it would just come out a jumbled mess,but i also think that is what our friendship can be sometimes; a jumbled mess.
but! it is also.........ahhh! see, i can't even think of anything that can describe this.
it's kinda refreshing that i have no words.
all i know is, this friendship makes me so happy and i'm really nervous for our next chapter.

walking in the rain with you while missing the smell of your t-shirt

oh yeah, he has a very very very bad temper.
he can start hitting things or people.
he gets violent.
...
it happens quite a bit (not hitting people to make that clear)
when he's mad, he shuts the world out.
and if someone try's to get in, he rips them apart.
also, he never takes responsibility for anything he does.
and i know, he would love that i am telling you this, but this is proving how well i know him.
...
yeah, he just, i dunno, doesn't know how to receive love
however, his love language is physical touch.
...
just wrap your arm around his and he'll calm down.

let it go, smile,

sometimes the person we want to be worth it too. doesn't even care.

you're with me!

there are too many prayers that get unanswered.
every day we ignore how completely broken this world is.
and we tell ourselves that we are going to be okay, but it’s not okay.
and once you know that, there’s no going back.
there is no magic in the world

though i disagree with this statement, i used to believe in it wholeheartedly.
i miss this mindset sometimes.

but...

those where old days, and

that's what old days are; they’re old. days.

they’re gone.

late night convo epiphanies.

'man, i forgot how well i knew you in high school.'-me

'yep... almost too well.'-t

'everyone needs that person though, who knows them too well'-me

'a lot has changed since then.'-t

'she has brown hair and brown eyes'...'is it you?'

'needs less bangs'-tommy

'what? you don't like them?'-me

'yes. i guess it is just not the emily i'm used to.'-tommy


i haven't talked to him in 6 years.
i had the biiiiiiiiiigest crush on him freshman year...instead, he dated my best friend...who also had brown hair and brown eyes

'you have to go for what you want in life...'

life isn't simple, it's complicated.
we're all just thrown in here together, in a world full of chaos and confusion, a world full of questions and no answers... and whether you succeed or you fail, the most important thing is to have
tried, and apparently no one will guide you in the right direction, in
the end you have to learn for yourself.
you have to grow up yourself."

the writer...

you wait for a silence
i wait for a word
lying next to your frame
girl unobserved
you change your position
you're changing me
casting these shadows
where they shouldn't be

we're interrupted
by the heat of the sun
trying to prevent
what's already begun
you're just a body
i can smell your skin
and when i feel it
you're wearing thin

but i've got a plan
why don't you be the artist
and make me out of clay?
why don't you be the writer
decide the words i say?
cause i'd rather pretend
i'll still be there at the end
only it's too hard to ask
Won't you try to help me?

sat on your sofa
it's all broken springs
this isn't the place for
those violin strings
i try out a smile
and i aim it at you
you must have missed it
you always do

but i've got a plan
why don't you be the artist
and make me out of clay?
why don't you be the writer
decide the words i say?
cause i'd rather pretend
i'll still be there at the end
only it's too hard to ask
won't you try to help me?

you wait, i wait
casting shadows
interrupted (x4)


why don't you be the artist
and make me out of clay?
why don't you be the writer
decide the words i say?
cause i'd rather pretend
i'll still be there at the end
only it's too hard to ask
won't you try to help me?
won't you try to help me?
won't you try to help me?

why don't you be the writer...

---------------------------------------------

"if you know me well, you know that i am a determined free spirit who chooses to be happy, i love a 'nothing else like it,' album, and i can't stand when people don't listen."-d

"if you know me well, you know that i am kind and an outgoing introvert, i love, and i can't stand people not taking me for who i am."-sk

"if you know me well, that means you've gotten through, i love my lord, and i can't stand people who don't trust."-sc


"if you know me well, you know that i am hooked on her, i love the act of sex, and i can't stand loneliness,clingyness, and lack of complete appreciation for the beauty around us."-g


"if you know me well, you know i truly lack hope; though i hide it well, i love to question everything and challenge authority, i can't stand when people choose to see only one side of me."-e
----------------------------------------------------------
...i'll still be there at the end

people always leave.. but sometimes.. they come back

so, this thing keeps happening to me.
i got close to someone
and of course...
they are leaving.
may 27th.


hopes were up, not anymore.

absolutely

'this is the story of a girl
who cried a river and drowned the whole world
and while she looked so sad in photographs
i absolutely love her
when she smiles

this is the story of a girl
whose pretty face she hid from the world
and while she looks so sad in photographs
i absolutely love her'

i need to get these letters or i'm getting deported by may 5th

have you ever been in one of those situations when after it happened all you can do is stare off into space and say, did that really just happen?'
well, within the minutes of my statistics class starting i had this moment of complete disbelief when a girl at my table told us she couldn't be in class today because she might get deported!

yes, you read that correctly...deported.

and of course my idiotic response is, 'are you canadian?' because she didn't look hispanic and for no crazy reason did i think, people can come here from other countries...but this thought is not the point to my story.

She starts off telling us she was a felon but that the charges got ex-sponged (??) and then goes on to pretty much tell her life story. (yeah, she just kinda squeezed that part in...no biggie)

and yes, you read that correctly...felon.
do we know why? no
are we curious?
hell yeah

well, her life story... she moved here from ukraine when she was three with her mom (she is ukrainian, not canadian...just to make that clear).
she does, 'not speak, read, or write ukrainian,' but has to go prove her marriage of three years is legitimate and that she is not a mail-order bride.

yes, you read that correctly...mail order bride

five or so years ago, her cousin wanted to get out of ukraine, to her cousin there was only one option...to sell herself over the internet.
four kids later and living in canada the government has found her, as well as the girl in my class...who again, let me reiterate has lived in the united states with her green card since she was three!!

she had to skip class today...with a note from her lawyer to go get letters from specific people to prove she is in love with her husband. they have been together for seven years, but got married when she was 18.

one letter she needs is from the videographer who taped her wedding...what the hell?!?

their marriage is legit people!
is the government stupid? lets go over this again shall we...
lived here since she was three...legally!
she has been in the same relationship for seven years...that is no fluke.
and this situation has nothing to do with her!

it's her cousin that, again...sold herself to get to the united states, and doesn't even live here anymore. she's in freaking canada.

she tells us this story and sadly we started laughing, because we were in complete shock and the way she was telling the story...complete annoyance by the way...it just came across funny.
when our teacher finally showed up to class she explains the story to her (in less detail) but we hear her yell;

'i am not a mail-order bride'

and then our teacher whispers something to her...which we plan on asking about next week.
--our teacher is interesting, don't worry about it.--

then it actually hit us what was actually happening.

it really isn't that funny. this chick might get deported for something she has nothing to do with to a country she really knows nothing about!

that's f**king crazy!

until next week, the four girls at my table are just going to wonder, and ask the questions; 'what did our teacher really say to her?'

not; 'is she getting deported?'


what i am interested to see are the ads on my page later...you know with the words like, 'mail-order bride,' 'deported,' 'government,' etc.
hopefully i don't get traced...shoot.

your voice is (was) small and (then) fading (faded)

'they (i) painted up your secrets with the lies they (i) told to you and the least they (i) ever gave you (--nothing--) was the most you ever knew (--doubt--).

i wonder where these (your) dreams go (went), when the world gets (got) in your way.

what's the point in all this (our) screaming? No one's (one) listening (listened) anyway.

and you know i (you) see (saw) right through you (me) 'cause the world gets (got) in your (our) way.
what's the point in all this (your) screaming?
you're (i) not (didn't) listening (listen) anyway.'

the apology that doesn't even matter anymore.

a word to the stupid

the month of april...
remember this;
i am at my angriest.
do. not. mess with me.

the cherry on top

okay, so seriously, my life can be summed up in three words;

ice cream sundae

you have the bowl right? the foundation, that's jesus because well, he loves me and freaking died for me on a cross...yay us.

next you have the ice cream! all good and dandy, my favorite flavor (mint chocolaty chippity) and this is just scoops and scoops of just good living! life is just awesome with having a plan for school, knowing what i want to do, enjoying everyday events...etc.

then you have the (this is a combo) the whip cream and the chocolate syrup...these are not very sturdy ya know? still fun, life is still rocking, but i may or may not slide off the path just a little bit,

but then!

bam!!

the sprinkles, the sprinkles make up for the whip cream and syrup. good things are coming my way, little things here and there that just make life worth while...enjoy the small things pretty much sums up the sprinkles!

then to top off the most glorious sundae known to man...

the cherry

the cherry is the ingredient that brings everything together.

the cherry is the ultimate great thing in life at this moment.

but here's the thing about the cherry...it never stays.

the cherry falls like 8 our of 10 times (made up stat, but you know what i mean)

and because of this silly little stemmed mood killer in disguise of a brightly florescent life couldn't be better fruit it touches everything else; the sprinkles, the cream/syrup, the ice cream, then lands in the bowl (analyze that sucker all you want).

i don't even like cherries.

'into your eyes, hopeless and taken, we stole our new lives

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so, lately, i have had some realizations.

this semester has been a transition semester for sure.

so many things have changed, with two categories; good, and i don't know if it is good or not.

some that are in the good category;

my morals are set straight(er)...give me a break, i'm human.

last semester they were not.

-i know my plan for my life, and no matter what, i need to stick to that plan and just accommodate if need be.

this is the one thing i have, and the one thing i have complete faith in.

-cutting is over...just over and it's amazing.

i finished my therapy after 13 months, that is a goal i finally achieved--going for one year.

-my job is fun and i really enjoy being there, i don't think many college students can say that.

-i love my life

now here is the, 'i don't know if it is good or not,' category

-i have been m.i.a from so many people lately, people who love me and i don't know if it because i have moved on from them just because of life and being seniors in college, or i am just not comfortable around them anymore.

i think it's a combo.

-i'm starting to think there is seriously something wrong with me.

i'm starting to take chances in one area of my life and i keep failing and getting my hopes up.

i told myself i wouldn't allow that to happen, but i thought, 'hey. maybe i can get what i want once in awhile.'--this has yet to happen.

-it is okay for me not to be fine, i don't always have to be the person who is 'fine' all the time.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

through blood and pain In defense of our dreams.'

not easily broken

'when god made adam he instructed him to do three things;

work

cultivate

protect

down through history men have only been measured by how hard they work, and cultivate, but also how well they have protected their wives and children.

in the old days men saw their women as conquerors. heroes. but somewhere along the way women started becoming their own hero.

maybe it was because their men forgot how to be heroic.

or because women didn’t want to be protected anymore.

Or maybe, women had to be their own heroes because of their own pain they had to endure in their life.

but whatever the cause, the world took away a mans reasons for being a man.

told him he wasn’t important anymore.

and because of that it turned the whole world upside down.'

on the outs but always loved

so this weekend i went to a family wedding right?
our family get-togethers are in the same place...literally, the past 21 years of my life, i have gone to the same location for all my mom's side of the family reunions.
now, where is this humble abode...?
the melrose hall
now, does anyone know where melrose is?

it isn't even on the map

it is in, 'zero reception, no man's land,' iowa (iowa's little ireland to be exact) and this itty bitty microscopic town is where my family is from.
...if you think about it, it's brilliant...nothing can distract me from family time.
i love my family, i could not have asked for a better heritage.
i have the craziest, most interesting, loving family ever, but, like every family we have our quirks.
but this is not what this blog is about.
this post is about where i am in the family tree.
i am, what i think in the worst position.

--this all starts with my great grandmother, so that is what i will be referencing to--

which means, i am a great grandchild, also known as a second cousin (excuse me, first cousin twice removed..according to great uncle john)
i am the daughter of the oldest grandchild and the grandchild of the oldest child, so that at least gives me something, but being a great grandchild totally blows.
i am also reminded of it every time my family gets together.
this is how i'm reminded...

1) i'm called bekah (my sister's name)
2) the sentence, 'you are of a different generation,' is said.
3) i'm referred to as, 'kay ann's' daughter.
4) or my name is just forgotten all together.

i have a big family...there are 10 kids (20 year age gap), the grand kids have a 35 year age gap, and the great grand kids are still coming...but being a great grand kid...it's hard.

i already feel so disconnected from my extended family by living so far away and having very little in common with them...being a great grandchild doesn't make it any easier.

oh, and don't even remind me that my last name is not cronin.