i had a self discovery yesterday...ready?
i cut when i am to scared to say how i really feel.
which is crazy because i am a very blunt, stubborn girl.
so, i'm going to be honest, here we go.
i got completely manipulated by the person closest to me...and you know what, i know i have been manipulated before, but this one isn't even on the radar, i don't even know how to handle this situation. this person who i will always love has dropped off the deep end and is not stable right now, but even the most unstable person knows how to treat their friends.
i am furious and there could be billion and three hundred reasons why...one; i am tired of a one-way friendship, for me and my health i cannot handle it anymore, two; they totally and 100% lied to me and i know it happens with this person and i can usually fluff it off, but not this time.
when it comes to this friendship, i have put walls and barriers up to distance myself and to protect myself from getting truly hurt, so how in the world is this still a friendship?...because i have way to much history with this person and i know deep down i can't get through life without them.
here's some more honesty...i relapsed about a week and a half ago and it is being taken care of, so readers...relax. there is no deep emotional thing triggering it, i just want to, i need to want to stop and right now, i don't, but really the right people know and i am getting help.
it is crazy because the two things i am struggling with and that are really affecting me right now are not the triggers, the two biggest things that might be cutting quality...if that exists, i will not give the satisfaction in making me cut, i will either not give these two people that control over me, or make them feel bad or feel responsible for my relapse, because that is not fair to them,one person in particular.
at the same time it isn't that crazy because that is what i have done my entire life as a cutter, i viewed myself as not important, people..being my friends...have to much other crap in their lives, they don't need to hear about mine. in no way is my cutting their fault, this is all me and how i viewed myself...unimportant, not worthy and a burden.
the things i needed to be honest about are these two things...a specific friendship and why i really cut...it only took nine years to finally come clear.
the pals.
3 comments:
Em -
I am glad that you are telling people and that you are getting help. Please know that I am praying for you and am here if you need me. Ok? I love you, girl.
I am praying for yah dude, something my friends told me yesterday, you are worth as much as the one who made you.
Way to go on writing this and getting it out there, that takes courage.
I hope it helps you feel less triggered to cut, too. I know writing tends to help me. Around thanksgiving I set a goal to try and write/draw/doodle at least one page in my journal a day... even if it's just rambling about nothing or drawing pictures it helps me keep stuff from building up.
On relapsing... I don't know you well enough to know if you do this or not, but I know I used to (and sometimes still do) completely panic anytime I slipped up at all, and it always made the relapse a lot worse than it would have been if I'd stayed calmer about it.
All I am really trying to say here is... look up "accidents can happen" by Sixx AM if you haven't heard it...
(youtube) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nan4Kdtz-9w
(lyrics) http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sixxam/accidentscanhappen.html
No idea if you will find it helpful or not, I just figured I'd share because a) it's a great song anyhow and b) it's helped me get past relapses before.
Wow, this comment is long... sorry!
I Hope things start going better for you, you deserve it.
I'm on facebook constantly (bad habit)... always feel free to IM me if you ever want to talk about anything at all :)
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