the cherry on top

okay, so seriously, my life can be summed up in three words;

ice cream sundae

you have the bowl right? the foundation, that's jesus because well, he loves me and freaking died for me on a cross...yay us.

next you have the ice cream! all good and dandy, my favorite flavor (mint chocolaty chippity) and this is just scoops and scoops of just good living! life is just awesome with having a plan for school, knowing what i want to do, enjoying everyday events...etc.

then you have the (this is a combo) the whip cream and the chocolate syrup...these are not very sturdy ya know? still fun, life is still rocking, but i may or may not slide off the path just a little bit,

but then!

bam!!

the sprinkles, the sprinkles make up for the whip cream and syrup. good things are coming my way, little things here and there that just make life worth while...enjoy the small things pretty much sums up the sprinkles!

then to top off the most glorious sundae known to man...

the cherry

the cherry is the ingredient that brings everything together.

the cherry is the ultimate great thing in life at this moment.

but here's the thing about the cherry...it never stays.

the cherry falls like 8 our of 10 times (made up stat, but you know what i mean)

and because of this silly little stemmed mood killer in disguise of a brightly florescent life couldn't be better fruit it touches everything else; the sprinkles, the cream/syrup, the ice cream, then lands in the bowl (analyze that sucker all you want).

i don't even like cherries.

'into your eyes, hopeless and taken, we stole our new lives

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so, lately, i have had some realizations.

this semester has been a transition semester for sure.

so many things have changed, with two categories; good, and i don't know if it is good or not.

some that are in the good category;

my morals are set straight(er)...give me a break, i'm human.

last semester they were not.

-i know my plan for my life, and no matter what, i need to stick to that plan and just accommodate if need be.

this is the one thing i have, and the one thing i have complete faith in.

-cutting is over...just over and it's amazing.

i finished my therapy after 13 months, that is a goal i finally achieved--going for one year.

-my job is fun and i really enjoy being there, i don't think many college students can say that.

-i love my life

now here is the, 'i don't know if it is good or not,' category

-i have been m.i.a from so many people lately, people who love me and i don't know if it because i have moved on from them just because of life and being seniors in college, or i am just not comfortable around them anymore.

i think it's a combo.

-i'm starting to think there is seriously something wrong with me.

i'm starting to take chances in one area of my life and i keep failing and getting my hopes up.

i told myself i wouldn't allow that to happen, but i thought, 'hey. maybe i can get what i want once in awhile.'--this has yet to happen.

-it is okay for me not to be fine, i don't always have to be the person who is 'fine' all the time.

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through blood and pain In defense of our dreams.'

not easily broken

'when god made adam he instructed him to do three things;

work

cultivate

protect

down through history men have only been measured by how hard they work, and cultivate, but also how well they have protected their wives and children.

in the old days men saw their women as conquerors. heroes. but somewhere along the way women started becoming their own hero.

maybe it was because their men forgot how to be heroic.

or because women didn’t want to be protected anymore.

Or maybe, women had to be their own heroes because of their own pain they had to endure in their life.

but whatever the cause, the world took away a mans reasons for being a man.

told him he wasn’t important anymore.

and because of that it turned the whole world upside down.'

on the outs but always loved

so this weekend i went to a family wedding right?
our family get-togethers are in the same place...literally, the past 21 years of my life, i have gone to the same location for all my mom's side of the family reunions.
now, where is this humble abode...?
the melrose hall
now, does anyone know where melrose is?

it isn't even on the map

it is in, 'zero reception, no man's land,' iowa (iowa's little ireland to be exact) and this itty bitty microscopic town is where my family is from.
...if you think about it, it's brilliant...nothing can distract me from family time.
i love my family, i could not have asked for a better heritage.
i have the craziest, most interesting, loving family ever, but, like every family we have our quirks.
but this is not what this blog is about.
this post is about where i am in the family tree.
i am, what i think in the worst position.

--this all starts with my great grandmother, so that is what i will be referencing to--

which means, i am a great grandchild, also known as a second cousin (excuse me, first cousin twice removed..according to great uncle john)
i am the daughter of the oldest grandchild and the grandchild of the oldest child, so that at least gives me something, but being a great grandchild totally blows.
i am also reminded of it every time my family gets together.
this is how i'm reminded...

1) i'm called bekah (my sister's name)
2) the sentence, 'you are of a different generation,' is said.
3) i'm referred to as, 'kay ann's' daughter.
4) or my name is just forgotten all together.

i have a big family...there are 10 kids (20 year age gap), the grand kids have a 35 year age gap, and the great grand kids are still coming...but being a great grand kid...it's hard.

i already feel so disconnected from my extended family by living so far away and having very little in common with them...being a great grandchild doesn't make it any easier.

oh, and don't even remind me that my last name is not cronin.

i'll take it as a compliment

i have been called feisty four times this week.

two times by co-workers.

two times by friends.

something new

though this blog is true and dear to my heart, and will still be used ever so often, i have started a new blog that is quite different from this one.

here is the link.

http://hey-its-unfinished.blogspot.com

you're just another guy. okay you're kinda sexy. but you're really nothing special

if you supposedly love someone knowing they love you back why wouldn't you be with them?
it doesn't make sense.
and another thing, if someone has waited three years and still hasn't chosen whether or not they want to be with you, come decision time do you think they are really going to choose you?
i mean really?
they want to experience specific things unattached, which is fine and totally legit, but if that means pulling you along and only wanting to keep you for two reasons;
1) wanting to have sex with you.
2) doesn't want anyone else to have you.
then the whole situation is complete crap.
patience is good, i understand that, but...
oh! here's another thing...
if you are so in love with this person why would you want to have sex with other people?
because they are having sex with other people too?
are you trying to even the score?
again, do i need to repeat myself? that is complete crap.

this isn't patience, that is just an excuse, this is false hope in thinking you two are actually going to end up together.
sorry to be the bearer of bad news here, but extremely doubtful.

stop being second to their single hood.

the resistance

two years ago i told myself the next time muse tours the states i will see them.

as of friday...

mission accomplished.

go me!

i like when we surely like one another

i am me.

i am nothing extravagant or special compared to anything or anyone else.

i am an addict gone sober whether it be self-injury, suicide or soda pop.

i am a rebel with a cause… that cause being fighting sex-trafficking, eating disorders, aids, the plague that is ‘cutting,’ or to simply prove myself.

i am a listener.

a shy, introverted, idealistic dreamer.

i am a question asker…it is only the best advice I was ever given; never be afraid to ask questions.

i do not regret.

i am not viscous, or loud,

i am not weak or disloyal.

i am kind, i am honest, i am patient, and i am stubborn.

just. because...

"take a look at yourself in the mirror. who do you see looking back?

or is there someone else you were meant to be? the person you should have been but fell short of?

is someone telling you you can't or you won't? because you can.

believe that love is out there.

believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do.

sometimes happiness doesn't come from fame or money or power. sometimes happiness comes from good friends and family and from the quiet nobility of leading a good life.

believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do.

so take a look at yourself in that mirror and tell yourself to be happy. because you deserve to be."