my lost months...

when i thought i wanted to be a journalist.

silly me.
don't go against jesus...

it gets you an f in french.

fake empire

falling for someone, and i mean, really falling, not just a crush...

cannot happen right now.

i've worked to hard to start something and then have something happen and i have to choose...

career or boy.

both are too important.

'turn the light out say goodnight.
no thinking for a little while.
lets not try to figure out everything at once
it’s hard to keep track of you falling through the sky'

for the love of god! seriously?

i just got a revelation through a text message and it is **not even anything new!

'that's a good question, i don't think you two *can't not be friends, but you two definitely push each others buttons.'

followed with this;

'you two baffle me'
(uh, we baffle lots of people, this isn't new either.)

what the hell...it totally makes sense!! this is our purpose! to challenge the other person...but still love each other at the end of the day!

i wish i used caps sometimes in this blog! because i am so revved up right now...i wanna scream and burst out into laughter at the same time.
***i get so frustrated, but i can't help but get pleasure out of conflict, but i hate it, but....uuuuuuuuugggggggghhhh (with clinched fists)...see what this is doing to me? i'm arguing with myself on my own blog!

*well aware of the double negative. but i received these messages, did not send these messages.
**hear me saying this at an increased volume!
***again, here me saying this, but speaking at a normal speed then accelerating.

woah! it's actually happening

want to know the five scariest places in the world?!?

wisconsin
missouri
kansas
texas
illinois


why?

graduate school.
(i really need to add a 'dun dun dunnnnn' ya know? with the music and everything)

yes, five states, six schools!
it is that time when i need to fill out those applications (with an app. fee of course! so far i'm racking up $256), write those personal essays, find those three people who love me most in this world to write me recommendations, and take that silly standardized test also known as the gre. oh! and make those campus visits. phew.

know what's the best part? i'm pumped.

will you tell me again the story about how i'm not alone

it's been a long time coming, but i can finally hear him.
it's hard though.
i'm in that limbo stage where letting go is inevitable, but i'm not really moving forward because i'm still here, i am still in the exact place i've always been...but this time with a smile.
what i've learned from this rough patch with god that i have had for the past threeish years is letting go is okay.
not just with broken relationships but with relationships that have lasted.
this is a breaking point for me...
i never wanted to admit this friendship has been long distance for the past 16 years.
transferring schools finally opened my eyes.
i fought, denied, and rebelled the fact that he doesn't know how to love me, and i've been lying to myself thinking we were closer then we actually are.
however it's my fault too, i helped create the off beat rhythm of this friendship.
but this isn't about my relationship with him, this is just the part of my life that made me realize god is working in my heart... he has been working on my heart for so long i think he needed to finally bring a jack hammer to it.
this is key! i am finally at peace with the crazy, messed up road my life with jesus has gone.
this is the time in my life where i am confident, hopeful, resilient, happy, and above all else firm in my *faith.
wait!
back up,
i've always been firm in my faith. it was building and learning what i truly believe in.
my *beliefs are what i can say i have become firm in.
i need to go back to the basics. i need to remember why i became a christian in the first place and i don't think it is because i forgot.
i think it is because i was fighting, i didn't want to remember.
so much of my christian life has been filled with pain, hurt and sadness.
this has been god pushing me to realize, it doesn't matter.
it happened. i don't regret it. why would i regret something that got me to where i am now?
what matters is the commandment that gets way underestimated and way under appreciated;

'jesus replied: 'love the lord your god with all your heart and with all your mind and with all your soul. this is the first and greatest commandment.'-matt 22:37-38

i've been listening for years, but it finally resonated.
i've always loved jesus, and our relationship is deep and firm, i just haven't been showing it.
i haven't been finding my identity in him.
i need to learn how to love him first and foremost. duh!

so, i've learned to let go, move on, and the life i have now is not the life i will have a year, or 10 years from now. i'm meant for something different.
it doesn't mean my life now and the relationships i have now aren't important, they are.
just don't regret them later on and letting go doesn't mean i don't care. they all carry a purpose.
the two i just walked away from are probably the two most important ones i've had here on earth, but they don't even compare to the romance i have with jesus.

thanks for setting my heart back on fire, and having me realize i haven't been that far gone.

huh?! today is valentines day...you would jesus, you would.

*faith: is believing in what we can't see.
*belief: is standing strong in that faith.

goal by the age of 23

*england
ireland
*the netherlands
*germany
france
italy
greece
-all within 30 days

i need at least $3000. bare minimum.
this gets me to each country and a place to crash.

the mission: get the money by december 2010.

*got friends i can stay with, but i do have a back up plan.

my new addition

so, i am the proud owner of pretty much the most bad ass fish ever.
my friend becca is the godmother and our number one babysitter and hannah and i will take very good care of him.
he transitioned very well from the walmart fish tank to his lovely techno colored fish bowl, taking all the proper precautions one should take when transferring their fishy friend from one climate to another, i see this being a great start to a wonderful friendship.
he pretty much rocks my face off, and his name is this, after much deliberation...

zakkery jaz bink.

you should come meet him sometime.

photo's soon to come.